Swerve and Hustle, but Don’t Get it Twisted!

We kick off this week with Cynthia and Peter celebrating three long years of marriage at Bar One.  Nothing says “I love and cherish you” like celebrating your anniversary with your geriatric hubby in the failing bar where he squandered your short-lived modeling fortune.  Enter new wannabe friends on the scene, Christopher and Natalie Williams.  They discuss secrets of a happy and lasting marriage and it turns out that Cynthia is going to have to go 50 shades with grandpa.  Christopher speaks about his acting chops and how he has worked with Nene and Kenya, but Cynthia leads him to the Kandi pool of scumfuckery and forces him to drink the fresh brewed Todd bashing potion.  Natalie is more than happy to walk into that rat trap and she offers up the fact that Todd used to date a friend of hers and broke her heart.  Cynthia is all over this like a hobo on a rag soaked in mineral spirits.  “He was a cheater?” Cynthia exclaims.  Natalie, the willing, woeful goat responds, “he has a street hustle and don’t ever get that twisted, he knows how to better himself.”  Cynthia throws out that nasty word again, “you mean he’s an opportunist?”

Peter has bigger plans and he takes Cynthia, Christopher, and Natalie across the street to the Cynthia Bailey Modeling Warehouse of Horrors.  He has set up a surprise dinner for two and Christopher serenades Cynthia with a song that he wrote for Peter (about how he was broke before he met Cynthia.  Really, that is no joke).  Cynthia is holding back the tears for fear of ruining the contouring makeup on her nose.  Once they get past that awkward feeling you get when someone stands there and sings to you, the love-birds clink their champagne glasses to hopes of “better days”.  Good luck wit’ ‘dat!

Serenade

Victor and Don Juan meet with Kandi to discuss the play, Kandi informed the men that Todd quit because he felt it was too unorganized and he needed to go back to his “comfortable job”.  Don Juan ain’t happy because Todd had a lot of knowledge and experience with big productions and he is worried about Kandi spending $500,000 on this production, and that his paycheck might bounce.  Kandi has an extensive rolodex and money to burn, what could go wrong?  Don Juan equated it to something like throwing things in a rabid chicken coop.  This is about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room.  I am so bored by them, I can only focus on the gigantic tub of Double Bubble on top of the refrigerator.

Later, Kandi and Todd scout out the Rialto as a venue at $10,000 per day, but Todd gets a call from his new job and he keeps slinking away, because he’s so slick.  He ends up telling Kandi that he’s not feelin’ the new job and he wants to rejoin her team.  Todd explains that she has no script, no set, and no location and it’s trippin’ him out.  Sounds like Todd is more of a control freak, but now that he is back on Kandi’s payroll, I am sure every goat in town will be shouting “OPPORTUNIST” from the rooftops.

Nene drops by Porsha’s new home so she can check it out before eviction day befalls her.  They share some boxed wine in large tumbler glasses and Nene advises her that she is a hot diggity dog gone mess and she needs to hit the dollar store for some proper glassware.  Nene dishes on her visit to Kenya’s house and they laugh about Kenya’s imaginary oil tycoon boyfriend.

Kenya has her aunt Lisa, uncle Mark, aunt Lori, and her cousin Che over for dinner.  They sit down at the Lucite dining room table and as Kenya passes out two paper towels to each guest to use as a napkin, she announces that she is going to have a child.  They discuss pros and cons and Kenya’s aunt Lori wants more specifics, such as who will be the baby daddy.  Kenya has plans to go to a sperm bank and request the Michael Jordan special.  Aunt Lisa emphasizes the fact that Kenya needs time, patience, and proper paper products in order to care for a child, but Kenya feels a child will fill the emotional void caused by her own deadbeat mother.  That’s.  Awesome.  Perpetuate the dysfunctional cycle!

Cynthia, Malorie, Kenya, Nene, and Marlo “check my charges” Hampton (yes, she has made her reprise and she is as loud as ever) are off on a party bus to a vineyard.  Some friend of Nene’s is also tagging along, but she doesn’t say much because she is more interested in getting her drink on.  Meanwhile, Phaedra, Kandi, and Porsha toddle along on their own separate party bus because the trip interferes with Phaedra’s breast pumping schedule.  Really, it’s a production move so we can see the shady activity in the dueling buses of revulsion.

Party Bus

Back in the shady bus, the girls discuss Christopher and Natalie.  Kenya puts it out there that when she worked with Christopher, he said that Natalie is his “common law wife”.  “Groupie for life, but not his wife”, as she puts it.  Cynthia pins more Todd bashing on Natalie, who isn’t even on the shady bus of hell fire to defend herself!  WEAK MOVE CYNTHIA.  Natalie never called Todd a cheater and an opportunist, CYNTHIA PUT THOSE WORDS IN HER MOUTH.  Nene does a bad impression of Kandi and says “don’t talk about my man, my child, or my mama!”  Glass houses, Nene, glass houses.

Once at the vineyard, Natalie shows up by herself (shady production move) and the subject of conversation turns to marriage.  Kandi explains that she and Todd will likely go to the courthouse in order to avoid Mama Joyce objecting from the steeple of a church.  Malorie finally speaks and says that she and her hubby eloped in Vegas and they are happy as ever.  Natalie says she eloped as well and Kenya says she heard a “different version of that story”.  Kenya tells Natalie that Christopher calls her his “common law wife or girlfriend”.  Natalie argues that point, Kenya insists that it’s true and then says she wants to stay out of it.  Another weak ass move from a housewife who isn’t even a wife, stir the shit pot and flee the scene.

The group sits down for lunch and the focus turns back to Kandi.  Natalie pipes up about Todd.  Cynthia tells us there are three things she knows about Kandi, “you don’t come for her mom, you don’t come for her food, and you definitely don’t come for her man!”

Cynthia-3Things

Kenya says “oh you gonna go there?!”  Annnnd….it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!  Phaedra whips out her breast pump and tells Kenya to shut the hell up.  Kenya throws out the opportunist card and Natalie denies ever saying the word and calls Kenya “lying pageant girl.”  While Natalie tries to clarify her comments about Todd, Kenya makes a shoveling motion with her arms because Natalie can’t dig her way out of this one.  Natalie says Todd had “a way of swerving” and he is “always on the come up in a better situation.” 

Swerve

Nene gives Natalie the buzzer noise “don’t water it down!”  Even li’l Porsha gets involved, pointing out that Natalie is pulling the same shit on Kandi that Kenya just pulled on her.  Get your head in the game, Natalie!  Have you not learned that these ladies are akin to rabid howler monkeys and they will eat your face off?

Kandi throws a dig at Cynthia saying she knows things about Peter’s past, but would never bring it up.  Ummm…you just did.  As Cynthia throws her some serious blue steel side eye, Kandi tells the group this simple truth:  “Bottom line, for you to say that Todd wants to date up, you just letting me know that you think I’m a hot bitch. And I am!  And it’s all good, and the buck stops here!  It don’t get no hotter, you’re right. Give it up for Todd – he came up!”  WORD!

BadBitch

Next week, it’s a wardrobe malfunction extravaganza as the Housewives brawl in their satin nighties.

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