Frenemies

Phaedra and Kandi meet up at the house that the Kandi Factory built, where butterflies fly and bulldogs eat salt and vinegar flavored Pringles.  Phaedra gives Kandi the low down on the Athens trip and Chuck, a.k.a. “the big homey”, and without any provocation whatsoever, Kandi laughs and says “guuuuurl, you mean the little homey?”  Phaedra delivers her classic line of the episode, “I don’t like bite size brownies and I don’t like cocktail sausages, chile puh-leaze.”  Phaedra then explains Chuck’s “team concept” and Kandi recognizes that Chuck must be bringing up their names in order to make himself relevant, because they are two hot, poppin’ chicks and the window on his football fame is closed.  Phaedra recognizes his insecurities, that he is a pig, and she calls him a “light skinned Frankenstein”.  Chuck holds nary a candle to her foyne hubby, Apollo.  Even if he does wear a Charlie Brown backpack.

Phaedra-WeeniesCynthia is wearing her Diana Ross serious conversation wig, and she has a bright idea to host a trunk show so that Malorie can pedal her beaded wares and work up some skrilla and buy a one way ticket home.  Cynthia recounts her argument with Peter and she second guesses herself because she thinks she went too far and crossed the line.  I have to take back the props I gave Cynthia last week for having a backbone.  If anyone crossed a line, it was when Peter suggested he rent a jack shack across town to get away from her!  Peter walks in on the convo and Mal confronts him about starting in on her right out of the gate.  Peter throws Cynthia under the bus for not having a private conversation with him first, and Cynthia dives in front of said bus taking responsibility for her party foul.  However, Cynthia allegedly didn’t know Mal was coming either, or did she???  Dun, Dun, Dun!  Peter tells Mal he has no issue with her staying, but he and Cynthia are going through some issues.  Mal ties a brick to the accelerator of said bus by asking if “it’s a sex thing”.  Totally.  Awkward.  Cynthia promises Peter she will soon turn back into a seething cauldron of passion, which made him once question if he was merely a man whore to Cynthia.  I think she should stick to her guns and kick him in the balls, she just had surgery in her hoo ha region.  But hey, that’s just me…

Cynthia-Diana Wig

Kenya is on her way to the airport to pick up her dad.  She has successfully matched her dress to her lipstick, but life has failed her in the parent department.  Her dad, Ronald, starts criticizing as soon as his ass hits the passenger seat.  “You got your mama’s feet, they look like they got ash foot.”  They get into a hot debate about what constitutes an actual foot corn.  At this point, he shows potential to bring a bit of lighthearted humor to this hot mess express.  I may even be able to tolerate him sounding like Kermit stuck in a wood chipper, but as soon as he says he hates hardwood floors and criticizes the contents of her refrigerator, I feel that he must be banned from the show, and quickly.  Who goes around hating hardwood floors and refrigerated food?  A pure psychopath, that’s who!  Kenya sits him down on her ugly ass furniture to have a serious conversation about working issues out with her mother and Ronald shoots down the idea immediately, once again leaving Kenya emotionally stalled out like Bentley on blocks.

Porsha sits down with her attorney after the mediation meeting with Kordell.  Porsha and Kordell cannot reach an agreement and since they have no prenup, they may need to go to trial.  Porsha’s lawyer thinks she looks too fabulous to win anything significant in the case, but “fabulousness aside”, Porsha can’t put a dollar value on her heart.  Her lawyer mops the sweat from his brow, revealing that he hopes the settlement will cover his legal fees and then maybe there will be enough left over to provide Porsha a meager future in a van down by the river.

At the actual Kandi Factory, Kandi and Todd talk about the progress of her musical, but he discourages her from using her existing team on the play because they have never done a project of this nature.  Experienced people should be handling the play, oh and by the way he’s off to New York to interview for a job on an international traveling show and if he gets it, he will be gone for several months.  Kandi gets upset, but I am not completely sure why, this is after all what Todd does for a living.  And what better way to show everyone he is not an opportunist, by continuing to work in his own independent career?  I’m sure the underlying Mama Joyce tension is not helping and we will just write this one off to bad timing.

Cynthia and Nene arrive at Kenya’s house for a visit and Kenya is dressed in coveralls, pretending that the decked out gals are going to help her paint.  The ladies are more concerned about how Kenya can afford the Bentley in the driveway.  Cynthia speculates that she is selling a lotta booty videos.  Kenya insists it’s her mystery African man who takes care of her.  Dad Ronald is introduced and he starts the convo out on the sexist foot, he doesn’t believe that women should tell men what to do, it’s his way or no way.  Nene is appalled, but he leers at her like a creeper and tells her he would treat her like a queen, and then he exits stage left.  Any professional creeper knows, you gotta leave ‘em wanting more.  Kenya tries to jab Nene back by asking her why she won’t do Kandi’s play, after all the “New Normal” was cancelled.  Cynthia calls the play the “chitlin circuit”, whatever the hell that means, and Nene says she has no time for it, after all she just left a Ryan Murphy production.  Bitch puh-leaze, you gonna run into the same people on the way down as you did on your way up.

Phaedra and Kandi were traveling in the opposite direction to check out Porsha’s new digs, which are right in Nene’s back yard.  When Phaedra and Kandi get the particulars of the 8,000 square foot McMansion, Phaedra tells Porsha “you done lost your cotton pickin’ mind!”  Porsha claims it’s “motivation”, which is what she heard at the learning Annex the day Peter Thomas spoke.  Porsha tells her pals that the whole teenage texting thingie with Kordell didn’t really pan out.  They eventually talked, but all he gave her was an ultimatum to come home or deal with his attorney, therefore there is no way they can…ahem… “reconciliate” as Porsha put it.  Porsha wants to live in the overpriced Barbie dream bubble.  She likes living alone in the quiet, she is enjoying the silence of no furniture, no cable T.V., and no Kordell using Kandi’s sex toys.  Thank you Phaedra for the demonstration.

At Industry Studios, Cynthia and Malorie are setting up for the trunk show.  She has a few folding tables in a ginourmous space, a few cartons of box wine, some cocktail weenies, and brownie bites!  Cynthia Bailey knows how to throw an event as she orders her stylist to shuffle around the tables so that the jewelry can be featured on its own lonely card table.  Porsha and Kandi show up on time and Porsha tells Cynthia she moved into Nene’s neighborhood, but wanted to surprise her with the news.  Cynthia warns her that people don’t like surprises and Nene is not gonna be happy.

Malorie tells Phaedra that she is staying at Cynthia’s and Phaedra is taken aback.  Kenya senses controversy and inserts herself in the conversation, ready for her weekly meow down.  She has no qualms giving her two cents and tells Mal she is crack-headed crazy for popping in on Cynthia like that.  Mal goes on defense right away and gives Kenya the patented Jerry Springer “bitch, you don’t know me” speech and it starts gettin’ krunk.  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it, takes Mal to the side, and tells her to stop pissing off the customers.

Kandi tells Phaedra and Kenya to keep the lid on the fact that Porsha moved because Porsha wants to “surprise” Nene.  Kenya laughs when she hears the details of Porsha’s McMansion, Porsha must want to head to bankruptcy court also because “the bank won’t accept checks written in crayon.”  READ!

Nene arrives with her sidekick, Mynique, who looked like a tweaked out crack head.  She should be nervous now, these women will skin her alive.  Nene hones in on Phaedra’s snakeskin galoshes and can’t believe she is not in heels.  Of course, Phaedra must deflect the negative attention and can’t possibly keep a lid on a GD thing and she tells Nene she was in her neighborhood visiting someone and Kenya twirls in to say “oh you mean Porsha” and then she twirls away.  Nene starts her rant again, “Porsha is a bad friend!”  Kandi makes a beeline over to Porsha to warn her that the beans were spilled and “it wasn’t me!”  Porsha storms over to Nene right away, grabs her arm, and claims she wanted to surprise her.  Nene ain’t havin’ it and goes off on her, Phaedra slinks away from the shit storm she caused (hence the galoshes), and Kenya is reveling in it in her red curtain dress.  Porsha walks out in disgust, Cynthia follows, and Porsha breaks down.  Nene sees Porsha crying and comes over to basically say “sorry, not sorry, you still kinda suck as a friend”, but Porsha contends it isn’t about Nene.  Whoa.  Porsha is having a tough day and she is tired of being a people pleaser, which is a huge load of self-discovery for her.  Either there is more to this “bad friend” issue between Porsha and Nene, or Nene’s ego is just completely off the rails.  Kenya, sensing that someone else is finally finding their footing in life, decides to start yelling “It’s not a Porsha divorce party!”  Kenya then discovers that the box wine has run dry, even after you tip it, and she twirls across the street into oncoming traffic, but avoids getting run over.

Kenya-Street

Next week, Kenya announces she is going to have a child and more Todd opportunist accusations fly.

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