Not a Team Player

We start out with Kenya and Lawrence lunching and she is eating light because she is so broke, she can’t even afford a story line.  She yammers on about being Beyoncé and using a silk pillowcase to keep her weave tight.  She gives Lawrence the DL on the Savannah trip, with the focus being on Mynique and the Chuck Smith dirt.  We learn that Lawrence has not f*cked Chuck, at least not that one.  Kenya concludes that Phaedra was a “jump off” for Chuck since he didn’t put a ring on it.  Yeah well, Apollo did, and we flash back to the classic whirring breast pump “f*ck you get out of my room” moment when Phaedra shut Kenya down like a tilt-a-whirl with missing parts.  Lawrence points out that Phaedra digs up shit on others so that her own shit stays buried, which after all is what lawyers do!  Kenya cries out “Preach…preach…can I get an AMEN?!?!?!”  Yeah, that’s all you gettin’ this week.  NEXT…

Chuck has summoned Nene and Phaedra to meet for lunch and Phaedra is fashionably late because it took her 45 minutes and a catapult to get into her tight pants.  Someone get this woman a copy of the “leggings are not pants” memo!  Nene and Phaedra suspect that Mynique gave her hubby the scoop and that is why he wants to talk with them, but no, he asks them to come and speak to the Boys and Girls Club of Athens, GA.  Nene and Phaedra are relieved and the order up some appetizers and do a shot of “Sex on the Beach” to celebrate.  Chuck has lured them in with liquor and fried food…more on that later…

Cynthia’s sister, Malorie, is back on the scene to cause some hot holy hell.  No better time than when meandering around a bead store to drop an epic bomb on your sissy deedle…Mal will be staying in ATL for a while…in Peter and Cynthia’s house…for TWO MONTHS!  I’ll give you a moment to let that one sink in.  Cynthia admits that she hasn’t fully let go of the grudges from the past, Malorie offers an apology to start over and put it behind them.  Well played Mal, well played.  No sooner is Mal plotting where she will unfurl her Hello Kitty sleeping bag when Cynthia spills ALL the tea about Peter’s lofty expectations in the bedroom.  Malorie advises her to give it up no matter how tired she is.  Hell, Mal puts out two, three times a day, which leaves Cynthia’s vagina aghast.  I wonder what poor Malorie’s hubby is going to do for TWO MONTHS?!?!?!  I hope she got a Bedroom Kandi swag bag three seasons ago.  Malorie thinks the money woes between Peter and Cynthia are hindering their physical closeness.  No money, mo’ problems, no lovin’.

Porsha and her mother take the two small dogs to a pet shop to buy some absolutely ridiculous, bat shit crazy crap for the dogs.  Porsha takes the opportunity to tell her mom she is movin’ out of that hell hole and into a mini-mans with a bigger closet.  After all, she is 32…this from the woman who has her mama laying down the blue AMEX card for rhinestone collars, a “Chewy Vuitton” pillow, church dresses, and a baby stroller.  FOR THE DOGS.

Mama Joyce is back wit’ da’ cray cray and she is at the “J Spot” where Derek J. is styling her Joyce DeWitt wig.  Kandi pops by to pay the bill and discusses the plot of her musical in progress, which is basically a mama interfering with her fiercely successful daughter’s life.  Sensing the tension, Derek exits stage left to “take a phone call real quick”, even though no phone is ringing at the “J Spot”.  Mama Joyce tells Kandi she feels like she has a dagger in her heart and she has done too much for Kandi for too long.  Huh?  What effin’ planet is Mama livin’ on?  She plays the health card and tells Kandi that her doctor advises that she must let all of this go for her own personal health and “what little time she has left”.  Mama won’t expound on whether or not she has actual health problems.  Derek returns and tells the ladies that “this place ain’t that big”, meaning he can’t sashay around in his high heels anymore, pretending to give them privacy.

Porsha and her assister, Lauren arrive at an 8,000 square foot house, which his located in Nene’s neighborhood and is where Porsha will house all of her sparkly velour track suits.  Porsha’s brother and mother arrive and are shocked at the enormity of it.  Her mother is so enthralled with the size of the granite kitchen countertop, she decides to log roll on it, lookin’ like a big ol’ bag of mashed potatoes. 

Mama-Counter

Porsha’s brother questions the financial soundness of her decision to rent this large home, but Porsha has a plan.  This is a “believe in Porsha move”.  If she ends up out on her ass, it’s because of her poor decision making and not some talking head ex-husband.  Huh?  I believe in Porsha, I believe Porsha is an idiot.  I get it, she wants to go big or go home, but guuuuurl puh-leaze.  She tells the family that she talked to Kordell and he apparently gave her some bullshit about how he didn’t want the divorce and her ultimatum was to come home or fend for herself.  Her sister and mother pipe up at the same time saying the same thing, “that is the same exact Kordell that we don’t want”.  No, we don’t want that, but we do want to watch Porsha get evicted from the mini-mans in about 6 – 8 months.

Cynthia and Malorie have wandered away from the beadery and on to the tour of the new Bailey Agency.  Cynthia points out her pictures on the wall, her private office where she is plotting Peter’s slow death, oh and there’s Peter’s new car that he bought and didn’t tell her about.  Malorie puts that juicy li’l nugget in her back pocket and you can see the old ill will creeping back like a mystical, patchy fog.  Cynthia springs it on Peter that Mal is staying with them for a couple of months, claiming she had no clue, annnnnnd it’s awkward at best.  Mal plays the new car card and Peter tells her to mind her own bidness and Cynthia actually tells her to “shut up”.  At least Cynthia found a backbone, but Peter walks away in disgust calling them both “crazy as hell”, this convo ain’t over.

Nene, Phaedra, and Chuck drive to Athens, a one Dairy Queen town, to speak at the Boys and Girls Club.  They stop at said Dairy Queen to reminisce and gnash out a blizzard or two.  Phaedra remembers hanging out in the parking lot and all Chuck remembers was Phaedra’s “high ass” and Nene’s “skinny, long, legs.”  Does this guy know how to give a compliment, or what?

But it ain’t all rainbows and Orange Julius, once Nene and Phaedra give their very brief pep talk at the Boys and Girls Club, the two unsuspecting housewives have to ride back to the ATL with Chuck, legend in his own mind.  Now that he has both of the ladies trapped in the car, he brings up the post Savannah fall out.  He attacks Phaedra for giving Mynique the impression that they were boyfriend/girlfriend in the past.  Phaedra explains that she said they “dated” and that she was trying to be respectful of their marriage and not say much, which was the truth.  Chuck seriously has his panties in a wad over this, but Phaedra coolly chalks up his poor memory to all of the concussions he sustained.  In a masterstroke of douchebaggery, Chuck bulldozes Phaedra and claims she was fighting to make a name for herself and latched on to him because he was in his prime, they were the first version of “friends with benefits”.  Nene swoops down on this like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag, “so you had sex then”, to which Chuck says “aww hell yeah we did!”

Phaedra is clearly annoyed, but she maintains that they went on several dates and Chuck demands examples.  She says she went to many of his football games and he replies that he had “six girls stashed in the corners, you was just part of the team.  You and Kandi.”  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  He says she didn’t understand the lifestyle of a young millionaire at that time, and she was just part of a team.  Phaedra says she didn’t “sign up for no team” and she doesn’t appreciate him implying that she and Kandi are skanks, but Chuck keeps barking at her.  Trying to deflect the prickly situation (pun intended), Nene pipes in and says that Kandi was the one who went into more detail about her Chuckapades.  Chuck says that Kandi was dating multiple men and he lied to her to make her feel special because he liked Mama Joyce’s cookin’.  He took advantage of a “young girl who was hungry in the game”, but he was the “big homey.”  Phaedra reminds him that it was 20 years ago and “nobody wants your shriveled up ol’ junk” “I’m not trippin’ on you”.  Nene is visibly rattled and wants out of the car.  The only thing that could have made this scene better is if Phaedra whipped out her breast pump and gave it to Chuck because he sure is milkin’ it.  Nobody gives a f*ck, Chuck.

Homey-2

Across town, Peter the ticking time bomb, is looking for an escape route of his own.  Cynthia blasts him and tells him that she has to work, she can’t be the housewife, be there for him, pay for the bed that he wants to have sex in, be a mother, etc.  She bought into the “Peter Thomas Dream” and he better whip some puppies and bacon out of his ass!  Peter’s weak ass solution is to get his own bungalow across town so he can escape from her.  Maybe Peter should hang with Chuck at the “Big Homey’s and Egomaniacal Bankrupt Losers Club”.  The discussion escalates, because that is obviously a solution only a total ass hole would suggest, but I give big props to Cynthia for finally flipping the bitch switch to full throttle, pedal to the metal.  It’s about dayyum time!  Peter is furious that Cynthia shoots his idiotic man cave idea down, he starts yelling, swearing, and walks away.  And that is how you have a constructive marital discussion, people.

Next time, Phaedra dishes to Kandi regarding Chuck, the “big homey” and hits him where it hurts, “I don’t like bite size brownies and I don’t like cocktail sausages.”  Kenya’s dad is on the scene and Nene pisses off Porsha.

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