Tuck-N-Roll

The ladies resume their Savannah mis-adventures and chat over breakfast about many things, iPhone Face Time sex, Porsha’s a tattoo above her hoo-hah hut and a piercing in the biscuit (which she took out when she was pregnant) [insert sound of needle scratching off of record here].  Not to be outdone, Nene laments the cancellation of the “New Normal” due to low ratings caused by homophobic mom’s around the world.  New housewife in training, Mynique, is stunned by Porsha’s reveal, “wait, you were pregnant?”  Porsha explains it was a miscarriage, Mynique apologizes, and I remain astonished that the pregnancy is the flabbergasting detail here?

Cynthia decides to put her neck in the noose and shares what she is going through with her daughter Noelle, now that she is starting to date little man Arthur.  Cynthia has conducted a full background check, has fully deloused Arthur, and he has passed her test.  The parents are very involved and transport Noelle and Arthur on their “dates”.  Cynthia adds, “I’d rather be picking up Arthur, than picking up a grandbaby”, WORD!

Nene, in her most un-supporting role ever, vehemently declares that she is not in agreement with Cynthia’s parenting approach and age 13 is too young for children to date.  Kandi gives Cynthia some much needed back up and informs Nene that raising daughters is different because they must worry about teen mom syndrome.  Phaedra touts that she is glad she has boys, she only has to worry about one ding a ling, with girls you have to worry about every ding a ling!  Nene thinks that young girls these days are moving way too fast, she sees them at the mall, changing into mini-skirts and twerkin’ on tables at the food court!  Cynthia tries to muster up the strength to keep her cool, slamming her fists on the table, announcing she will “get crunk talking about Noelle”, but all the super model power in the world can’t save her.  She loses her shiz and leaves the table in tears.  Nene took things way too far and given her issues with her sons, she has no bidness judging Cynthia.  How quickly Nene forgets that her son, Bryson, was pretty much a sofa riding, mouth breathing, pothead, who was busted shoplifting Bic razors from the $1.00 bin at the defunct Wal-Mart, and has already fathered a daughter.

Cynthia-Tears

Kenya and Porsha scurry after sobbing Cynthia in an effort to comfort her, but neither of them have any parenting experience, so they draw on what little experience they have.  Kenya relates by sharing her plight of not having mother at all, and here Cynthia is doing everything she can for Noelle, being the type of mom she wished she had.  Porsha comforts her as well, and offers hope by way of reapplying her smoky eye, flying in the face of Nene’s ignorant comments, and just taking solace in the fact that Cynthia knows she has done a good job as a mother.  Back at the table of judgment, Nene is trying to garner validation from the others still there.  Kandi is neutral as usual, but suggests taking stabs at Cynthia’s daughter is off limits.  Mynique is nodding in approval, proving that she is Nene’s new lapdog.

The ladies seem to scatter about the mans, Kandi and Phaedra are starting prep work for dinner.  Kandi is wearing a halter, Technicolor maxi dress without a bra, ughh, chile please!  Porsha and Kenya finally have a rational talk and realize they don’t have to be at each other like cats in a pillowcase.  They know not what they do and they must be sympathetic to what others are going through.  Nene puts on her best flapper costume, visits Cynthia, and mocks her meltdown to be an asshole “keep it light and playful.”  Cynthia allows her to do this and Nene still doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

Meanwhile, it’s not all puppies and bacon elsewhere in the mans…Porsha is crying in her room because she peeked at Kordell’s Instagram and became reminiscent of her family when she saw a picture of Syre, Kordell’s son.  Nene flutters down upon her and gives her the worst advice ever and thinks she should contact Kordell.

Nene has decided that all these tears just suck and they need to go to a drag show.  Kenya’s dog, Velvet, is being flown in because she was sick, and because Kenya thinks they need another bitch up in this mansion, really?  Nene somehow encourages Kenya to talk to Phaedra about Apollo-gate and Kenya comments that it’s ridiculous, she doesn’t need to troll around prison yard for a man.  Yet she needs to hire a boyfriend so she can have a storyline on her first season…ummmm hmmmm!  Kenya brings Velvet into Phaedra’s room, Nene hears the dog had diarrhea and makes a sharp exit.  Kenya tries to start convo with Phaedra and give her another half-assed apology.  Nothing says “f*ck you, get out of my room” better than the rhythmic whirr of a breast pump motor.  In a masterstroke of bitchery, Phaedra pumps away, indicating that she doesn’t give one tarry shit.  She has children to feed, people to bury, and cases to try.

Phaedra-Pump

The ladies go to the club to see drag queen extraordinaire, Lady Chablis.  Because nothing promotes bonding like tucked back ding a ling.  Kenya implies that Nene is a drag queen because she meets all the criteria, but she is not sure if she tucks.  At the show, Nene gets her drink on and asks Chablis to teach her lap dog Mynique how to “read”.

Chablis

Editing would have us believe that the ladies returned from the drag show, sobered up, changed back into exactly the same hair, makeup, and clothing they had on earlier that same day, and then feasted on the dinner that Kandi and Phaedra spent all day preparing.  They should have invited Lady Chablis to dinner, that bitch could stand to eat a corn fritter.

Porsha announces that she texted Kordell and asked him to talk.  He replied “yes”, but asked what she wanted to discuss.  Kandi took the phone from Porsha and texted back “us” in response.  Porsha starts freakin’ out like a 15 year old trying to talk to a boy who put gum in her hair.  Maybe Cynthia should chaperone this texting exchange.  Kandi changes the subject and to discuss the autobiographical musical she is putting together and wants the girls to be involved.  Nene already knows she is wayyyy to busy and the whole conversation goes to shit when a flying cockroach sends everyone into full freak out mode.  Oddly enough, Porsha is the only one who keeps it together.  She corners the bug under the table, pretends it’s Kordell, and beats the shit out of it with a roll of perfectly good paper towels.

Porsha-Bug

Back in the kitchen, the ladies are all hammered again and they start reflecting on the weekend.  Porsha thanks everyone for their support and Nene lectures her about not giving support in return.  Kandi thinks Nene should draw up a friend contract so they understand what’s expected of them.  Porsha admits she has not been such a good friend at this time, but the girl is clearly reeling from this divorce, so maybe Nene shouldn’t judge her journey.

Next time Peter up to his same ol’ shit spending Cynthia’s modeling money, Phaedra rehashes her “friends with benefits” past, Mama Joyce plays the health scare card, and the outcome of the Porsha and Kordell summit.

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