History Lessons

All aboard the party bus to hell where Miss Nene tries to squash the bickering over being tardy for the party.  Phaedra has to pump her “chocolate milk” out of her breasteses, which boggles Kenya and embarrasses Porsha.  As the shrews jabber away about pleasing their men and how often they do it, Kandi puts two and two together and comes up with five.  Mynique is married to Chuck Smith, who Kandi used to date way way back in tha day day!  Porsha and Mynique get into a debate about a woman’s role in marriage and Porsha breaks down, realizing even more so that her marriage was a dysfunctional mess.

Cynthia changes the subject and asks Nene where they are staying, it’s called “The Wedding Cake Mansion” and when they arrive at 9:00 p.m., the owner Tammy Jo greets them wearing a shirt on that looks like it needs a mood stabilizer. 


Kandi is interested in haunted houses and Tammy Jo tells them the mans has some ghosts, all nice ones of course.  Kandi turns into a ghost and disappears upstairs, moving faster than we have ever seen her move before.  This isn’t her first barbecue and she claims the master suite, which sets off master suite-gate.  Kenya riles Nene up about how the master suite should go to the host of the trip, but Nene is trying keep a lid on her alter ego, hood-rat self, NayNay. 


Nene gathers everyone in the kitchen to lay down some ground rules about being on time and she briefly scoffs about the master suite.  Phaedra floats in late and Mynique informs her that she needs to hear the rules more than anyone. 


Mynique is trying way too hard to fit in.  Realizing that Phaedra will have none of her bullshit, Mynique says she “heard through the grapevine” that Phaedra is always late.  Phaedra sets her straight, “honey I have a newborn, and I have jobs”…homey don’t play that game.


Kandi and Phaedra ditch the wedding cake mans to go for a walk and discuss how the other ladies are always late, if they even show up for their events.  Before they can realize that two wrongs don’t make a right, they are quickly distracted by a tricked out Hertz giving a tour.  They flag the car down and, of course, the driver “Peg Leg Ron” stops for some free publicity.


Meanwhile, back at the mans, the rest of the gang retreats to Nene’s room to call Phaedra “salty” and Kenya tells Mynique she “got read”.  Mynique looks confused and deranged, as if she is about to pop a sprocket, “I don’t feel read, I don’t feel read!”

The next day, Mynique visits Cynthia in her room to ask for help with eye makeup.  Cynthia spearheads the opportunity to give Mynique a lesson on looking good while getting read.  Cynthia shares her experience, she used to be nice and normal, but she had to adapt to run with these shrews.  Cynthia tells her how to spot and prepare for “tea” and “shade”, and Mynique says that since she is bi-racial, she says “side eye.”  Now that the bi-racial card has been placed on the table, how long before it becomes a source of contention with the group?

The plan for the day is to visit the first African American church.  Mynique teases Phaedra for being ready before her and tries to give her a high five and gets left hangin’.  Mynique is employing some interesting techniques throughout the episode, she kissed up to Cynthia and now she sucks up to Phaedra (pun intended) by remembers to bring her breast pump bag.

The First African Baptist Church was part of the Underground Railroad, it’s impressive and has some interesting history, which is wasted on this group.  The tour guide shows the ladies the area in the floor where the air holes were located so that the people in the Underground Railroad could catch air.  Porsha, proving that the wheel is a turnin’, but the hamster is dead, delivers some canned speech about civil rights and educating our youth, and then proceeds to ask where the opening is for the train because someone had to be…ahem…Driving.  The.  Train.  I’ll give you a moment to re-hinge your jaw.

You can see the smoke coming out of Phaedra’s ears as the gears in her head grind to a screeching halt.  Then she must call upon her inner strength to muster up every shred of patience and tolerance she can scrape out of the depths of her cold, black heart in order to explain to Porsha that it was not an actual train, but a euphemism for people who are connected together working their way toward freedom.  Little does she realize, Porsha thinks that a “euphemism” is what happened in her brain when she fainted a few weeks ago.  Kenya says in her confessional, “it’s hurtful to watch her be so dumb”, while Cynthia comments that Porsha’s Grandfather, civil rights activist Hosea Williams, must have rolled over in his grave multiple times.


The ladies continue touring the city and Mynique, Phaedra’s personal breast monitor, points out that Phaedra is engorged.  They decide to take a break so Phaedra can pump and the others can end this misery and start getting their drink on.  Mynique decides to spark the convo up a bit and she mentions that Mama Joyce fawned over her hubby, Chuck Smith, at Nene’s wedding.  Mynique says she heard that Kandi and Chuck dated many moons ago for about two weeks, but Kandi sets it straight.  They dated when Kandi was 19 and again when she was 21.  Mynique didn’t hear that they dated twice and the shrews go into attack mode, implying that Chuck isn’t giving his wife the whole story.  Mynique tries to change the direction of this hot mess express and she discounts the Kandi dating time by saying it must not have been that great since Chuck broke it off.  Kandi is annoyed that she has to tear herself away from playing Candy Crush on her iPhone and corrects Mynique, “I broke up with him!”  To deflect the laser death stare, Kandi notes that she wasn’t the only one who took ol’ Chuck for a spin.  Phaedra also dated him and Kenya begins to salivate like a scurvy dog.

Kenya stirs the pot further by pointing out the awkwardness of Mynique trying to establish acquaintances with women who have been all up in her hubbys junk.  Kandi and Phaedra know all of his juicy details, how he likes his steaks cooked, how his neck is ticklish, and how he likes to be spanked while being called “Joyce”…but we digress.  Cynthia decides she needs closure on Kandi’s case and Kandi adds that Mama Joyce loved Chuck, he even bought her a Louis Vuitton bag, and Chuck paid Kandi’s credit card bills.  Oh no, there will be no scrubs in Kandi’s world.  Kenya presses for more details, but Kandi smartly pleads the fifth.  Phaedra returns from pumping only to be pumped further for the scoop on her time with Chuck.  She explains they dated when they were in 8th grade, one time at band camp, again in college, and again when he was playing for the Falcons.  Kenya can’t resist sticking it to Phaedra and says that Chuck denied involvement with Phaedra.  Phaedra, ever the professional, minimizes her discussion of Chuck, wants to be respectful of Mynique’s marriage, and pretty much steps out of the debate.  Annnnd this is where Phaedra demonstrates her street smarts, knowing husbands are under attack and given the fact that she married her prison pen-pal, she shuts her trap.  Porsha has not yet taken the training wheels off of her skankmobile and she starts sassing Mynique, saying she should get the facts from her husband, because he clearly isn’t telling her everything!  To that, Mynique takes a low jab at Porsha’s disintegrating marriage, “no honey, you’re sh!ts in trouble, not mine!”  The situation reaches threat level Defcon 3, index fingers are waving, the tracks in their weaves have deployed into lockdown mode, and they are calling each other “boo” [shout out to She by Shereé!] 


They are about to go full blown HAM on each other’s asses, but Nene plays peace maker and defends the housewife in training, explaining that Mynique is feeing ganged up on and after all, the former slutty lives of our husbands are a sensitive subject.  Porsha finds her way out of the underground railroad to find the high road, and offer an immediate apology for offending Mynique.

Next week it looks like Cynthia is feeling “read” and she cries off her eyelashes.


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