I’m Just Waiting on a Bitch

Wow, we have an action packed week here, two shorties, two big heads, and four late bitches.  All before we can even get the wheels on the bus a-turnin’…

It’s the big producer mandated road trip this season and all the ladies must pack their Technicolor dreamcoats and their best Louboutin’s.  Gregg is playing dress up in Nene’s closet in an attempt to distract her, but she is laser focused.  She gives Gregg some house rules to be enforced while she parties her ass off in Savannah.  Gregg must have his dinner, have his teeth brushed, and homework done by 8 p.m.  I sure hope to shit she stops somewhere to get her hair did, it looks like an O-Cell-O mop.


Meanwhile, Kandi drops by for a therapy sesh with Cynthia, since she has firsthand experience on what to do when your family hates your fiancée and wants to run him over like a scurvy dog.  Kandi describes the scene that went down at the last chance bridal salon and she says the OLG (Old Lady Gang) committed assault with a deadly wedgie.  Cynthia knew Mama Joyce could get krunk, but this shit is straight up cray cray.  Kandi tells her about the accusations Mama is making about Carmon and Todd, Cynthia is floored.  At this point, Kandi starts to come unglued, which is long overdue.  She can’t laugh this off anymore.  Kandi isn’t sure how she can even have a wedding with all the potential family drama.  Cynthia makes herself valuable this week by delivering a good point, the problem will still be there whether they have a big, over the top, break the bank, wedding or whether they elope.  Cynthia explains that her family drama broke Peter’s trust in her and Kandi should heed the warning, she may lose Todd if she doesn’t take her own shoe off and deliver a full throttle body check to Mama, right quick.


Mama Joyce continues her Total Todd Destruction Tour and she arrives for her producer mandated “appointment” at the law office of Ms. Phaedra & Ayden Parks.  Mama she says hello to Ayden, but he wants no part of her.  Phaedra whispers to Ayden “you’ve got to speak to Mama Joyce if you want a treat”, to which Ayden whispers back “I don’t want a treat!”  This.  Is.  F*cking.  Priceless.  Phaedra is befuddled as to what has come over Ayden, he is acting scared of Mama Joyce.  Then again, Phaedra admits sometimes she is scared of Mama too, “cuz Mama Joyce is off da’ chain!” 


Mama Joyce claims she is seeking legal advice about a pre-nup, and what if Kandi drops dead, and something about a clause stating “in the manner in which we have become accustomed.”  Phaedra assures Mama Joyce that Kandi has a will, and the will would overrule a pre-nup in the state of Georgia.  Mama Joyce deftly reveals that she isn’t here for the treats and legal mumbo jumbo, and she cuts to the chase, “why in the hell did you introduce them, with all these lawyers, and everyone that you know, you’re gonna introduce her to one of the workers!?!?”  She goes on to squawk… “He’s little, he’s short, he’s got a big head!”  AND EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU DON’T INTRODUCE TWO SHORTIES WITH BIG HEADS!  She continues to go for the jugular, “You didn’t go after no short man with a big head!”  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  Even Phaedra is speechless.  Mama Joyce throws down the opportunist card…Where there’s smoke, there’s fire…and she’s gettin’ a lot of smoke.  Yeah, up your ASS!  Phaedra thinks Todd is the one for Kandi and Mama Joyce tells her she could leap over the desk and choke her right now.  That’s it, Mama Joyce needs her own show, we’ll call it “Smokin’ Bath Salts in a Van Down By the River.”

Kenya is packing her bags and Brandon advises her to bring flip flops and a potato sack, this coming from a man wearing a V so deep you can see his mangina.  Kenya starts signing and twerkin’ again.  What in the fresh hell?  She packs up this obscene looking thong and Brandon asks her what happened with the Apollo sitch, Kenya says she and Phaedra allegedly cleared the air, but she is still not trusting of her and her baby weight.  In fact, so not trusting that she decides she needs to pack some heat.  She whips out her firearm and Brandon scurries away like frightened church vermin.


Ah, the insufferable Porsha and her assister Lauren…they must shop for shoes for the trip to Savannah.  The sales lady shows Porsha a $7,000 pair of heels that are going to give her a “shoegasm.”  Porsha tries them on as she is phoning in a favor to get a second mortgage on her mother’s house in order to pay for them.  Porsha also hired a stylist, and he arrives to save the day and calls the sandals “impractical.”  Impractical…asinine.  Tomato…tom-ah-to.  The sales lady brings it down a notch and shows her a much more reasonably priced $3,500 pair of boots.  No biggie, Porsha can shave her mother’s head while she sleeps and sell the hair to the local wig maker.  Cha-ching!

Mama Joyce shows up at the Kandi Factory so Kandi can slap the ever lovin’ shit out of her.  Kandi starts mildly and couches her rage by saying there has been a lot of “negativity” about her relationship with little teeny, tiny, big head Todd.  Mama Joyce thinks Kandi is taking sides, which is obnoxious, because Kandi has done nothing but defend Mama Joyce!  Mama keeps going like a rabid dog, claims the OLG was only “joking” with Carmon.  Yes, I was only joking when I enlisted my 68 and 73 year old sisters to go all HAM on your BFF’s ASS in the middle of a bridal salon, oh and threatening to bludgeon her with my shoe?  Those ol’ things, those wedgies are so last season!  In what effed up sadistic world is Mama livin’ in?  Kandi sticks up for her friend Carmon of 25 years and pulls this juicy little big headed nugget out of her back pocket, Mama Joyce was married three times by the time she was Kandi’s age, and her mother didn’t interfere.  Well played, Kandi, well played.  Eventually they conclude that Big Head Todd and the Monster are going to have to find a way to co-exist.  Mama adopts an attitude that she will wash her hands of Kandi’s relationship and whatever happens, happens.  Yes, Kandi will marry him and cut you out of her will.

Nene and Mynique are setting up a light brunch at Nene’s HOA clubhouse and Gregg has decided to bring them a goodie basket as a Savannah send off.  As the other ladies arrive, Gregg is greeting each woman with a rose and he is helping with the luggage.  Poor bastard doesn’t realize he will be standing out in the sweltering Atlanta heat in a three piece seersucker suit for three hours.  Kenya is the first to arrive and she is looking forward to putting her ashy feet up and relaxing.  The ladies were supposed to meet at 11 a.m., but it’s now 11:25 a.m. and no one else is there except Nene, Mynique, and Kenya.  Nene is trying to keep the peace and not snap off like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Cynthia rolls in, fashionably late at 12 p.m.  Porsha steps in at 12:45 p.m., and Nene starts to come unhinged and she scolds Porsha.  Kandi finally arrives at 1:45 p.m. and now Nene is ready to rumble.  Kandi confesses that she stopped to eat and traffic was bad.  Kenya can’t let that go and says “we all know that girl can afford to miss a meal or two, or three, or four, or five.”  Whoo, burn bitch!  Nene is outta here, she is hoofin’ it to the van and she is getting’ the hell outta dodge.  Kenya is not letting it go, she is up in Kandi’s grill, then Phaedra shows up at 2 p.m.  Phaedra senses the discontent right away and says that “everyone looks like they had an enema.”  I think Kenya needs one because her thong is wedged up her butt implant.  Kenya herds the late little lambs and puts them on the black bus of torture.  We learn that Nene took a break and prayed to God that she wouldn’t kill these bitches.  Poor Mynique, while jockeying for a position on the show, she has no clue what she has gotten herself into.  Kenya decides she is the principal of the bus trip and gives a speech about everyone being late, even though she herself was late, and bitches everyone out. 


Kenya decides that the selection of the best rooms at their destination should be given to the women who arrived first.  Kandi, regretting that pit stop at Chic-Fil-A, realizes that she and Phaedra will be sleeping in the cargo area of the party bus to hell and she straight up loses her shiz.  “Nobody gives a f*ck about what you sayin’, so sit yo’ ass down!”  Damn, they are off and runnin’ at each other and the hot mess express to hell hasn’t even left the clubhouse.


Next week, looks like they make it to Savannah, but they can’t keep their claws in their pockets.


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