If the Shoe Fits…

Kandi reports to her bestie/assistant Carmon, that Mama Joyce is open minded to having better communication, therefore she is ready to start trying on wedding dresses.  Mama eked out an apology for bashing on Kandi’s ring, but Carmon is not convinced.  They wander over to the photo wall that has so grossly offended Mama Joyce, and Todd sums it up, tell Mama to mind her bidness.

Nene goes to visit her friend Mynique and her retired NFL player husband, Chuck.  The gang sits down to have adult beverages and talk about how happy Gregg is now that he gets to live upstairs.  This week, it’s Nene swimming in the shit pot and she brings up the fact that Chuck used to tool around with Kandi and/or Phaedra.  Chuck calls Kandi a “One Hit Wonder” and he claims he “never had sexual intercourse with Phaedra Parks.”  Interesting declaration of innocence, I sense foreshadowing here since we need some scandalous story line to kick up in here!

Speaking of our Southern belle, Phaedra has returned home and she is now eligible to embalm in Alabama!  Praise the Lord and pass the formaldehyde.  Apollo walks in with his back pack, again, because he can’t go anywhere without his fruit roll ups and crayons.  Apollo attempts to apologize for the Kenya/sexting inappropriateness, but Phaedra does not appreciate his approach because all he is apologizing for is upsetting Phaedra.  He feels she has a case of selective hearing and overall it does not go well.  Phaedra is willing to take the high road and accept his half-assed apology and she assures him once school is over, she will have more time to devote to him.  Thinking he’s out of the dog house, Apollo asks Phaedra if she will “bend over in the bathroom”, you know…the “way you used to do?”  Too soon, bro, too soon!

Kandi is hosting a Cardio Cabaret event at the Kandi Factory so the gang can all have a much needed workout sesh.  Cynthia shows up wearing something from the Mrs. Roper New Year’s Eve collection.  Nene informs the group that Porsha won’t join them, for she fainted and fell down a flight of stairs.  Nene calls Lauren to get the Porsha update and she is doing okay, just resting in her mother’s master suite, eating bon bons, and watching Netflix.

Now that the producer mandated Porsha wellness check phone call is over, Nene invites the gang on a producer mandated girls trip to Savannah.  You know, so they can bond…Kenya is appalled that Nene is even suggesting a road trip after the Las Vegas broke down bus debacle.  They get into the studio to start the dance lesson/workout.  Phaedra has her post baby body sucked into her spandex like stuffed sausage, which Kenya cannot let go without comment.

Cabaret

Cynthia’s daughter Noelle is out with her dad, Leon.  Leon broaches the “boyfriend” talk and he asks Noelle, “what’s daddy’s job in life?”, to which she responds “to raise me the right way.”  NO, NO, NO, your JOB, LEON, is to KEEP YO’ BABY OFF DA’ POLE!  Cynthia and Leon debate on whether or not Arthur’s status is “full on” or not.  He is a 13 year old boy, of course he is FULL ON.  Leon insists that it’s his role to wear skinny jeans and to educate his daughter on the hazards of dating and he wants Cynthia and Peter to take a back seat.

Porsha is wandering around aimlessly at the Tuxedo Pharmacy looking for some headache relief.  Her doctor says the reason she fainted is due to lack of blood supply to her brain…tell us something we don’t know Dr. Obvious.  Porsha and Lauren decide to take a seat in said pharmacy, in two strategically placed banquet chairs right in front of the incontinence supplies.  Right on time, Nene calls to check in and invite Porsha on the girls trip to Savannah.  Porsha is “down” for the trip and is so glad the group is supportive through this “death, wedding, funeral” time.  Wha?  Porsha decides to use the blood pressure testing machine and she finds out she has stage 1 hypertension, which she blames on Kordell.  I blame it on that rare, no blood to the brain, diseasy thingy she has.

Porsha-BP

Kenya and her aunt Lori meet for a chat to discuss Kenya’s love life, or lack thereof.  Kenya vows not to rush into a marriage, lesson learned with Walter the fake towing boyfriend.  Lori tells her if she wants a child, she should go for it now and forgo the man because Kenya tends to go for men who are non-existent not available to her.  Kenya gives a good cry and Kenya’s priority right now should really be to fire her makeup artist.

Kenya-face

Kandi heads to Brides by Jerry Springer to try on wedding dresses.  Carmon and another friend of Kandi’s, Kwame, gossip about the Mama Joyce drama while Kandi is in the fitting room.  Finally, the moment we have been waiting for this entire hour, Mama Joyce arrives with reinforcements.  Kandi’s aunts, Bertha and Nora, and these three bitches are ready to scrap!  Mama Joyce starts going HAM immediately, saying that she will only be happy about the wedding if Kandi finds someone else to marry.  Then Mama loses her shiz and lunges at Carmon.  When Kandi comes out of the dressing room, Aunt Nora gets out her gasoline and matches and tells Kandi that Carmon jumped up and tried to start something.  Kwame tries to turn the attention back to the wedding dress that Kandi just spent a half hour getting squeezed and stapled into, but nobody gives a shit.  Kandi goes back to the fitting room and no sooner is her back turned, when Mama Joyce jumps up with her wedgie shoe in hand, and lunges at Carmon again saying “I will f*ck her up”, clearly demonstrating that she is planet bananas.  Kandi comes back in her day clothes and says she is leaving, she has no interest in trying on dresses.  Carmon says Mama is “actin’ a fool” and Mama whips off her shoe again.  I can’t tell if her intention is to beat Carmon with the shoe or if it is an attempt to gain agility.  Mama is wielding about like an undomesticated cat in pillowcase and it takes Kandi and Kwame to restrain her.  Kandi asks Carmon to leave so they can calm Mama down.  Mama insists her issue is that the dress shopping is “a family thang”, but yet she has no issue with Kwame being there.  Mama is rattling off all sorts of cray cray, saying that Carmon is an opportunist after Kandi and her “leftover hair”.  Oy, a collective OY!

Mama-fight

Kandi is talked into trying on another dress and of course she rolls over and does it.  When she comes out in dress #2, the two Aunts exclaim “I don’t want you to marry!”  Kandi is perplexed and walks to the front of the shop to check on Carmon.  Carmon tells Kandi she is sick of Mama Joyce spewing venom on her every chance she gets, and this wretched scene…threatening her with a worn out wedgie?  Carmon tells Kandi she is “always riding the fence”, it’s decision time.  Does Kandi want Mama Joyce trying to run her life while wielding her wedge in hand or does she want her lifelong friends, Todd, and marriage?

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