Ain’t No Mama Crazy Enough

We kick off this week at the Cynthia Bailey Fashion Warehouse, where anemic, dead in the eyes, young adults come to roam.  Apollo stops by the studio, not to model, but to seek marital advice from Peter.  Uh really, this is what we’re doing now?  Apparently these two have a full on bromance going and li’l Apollo can’t handle the silent treatment that Phaedra is giving.  They go out to the parking lot to lean on their white cars, lookin’ like a pair of douchenozzles, and they talk the straight dope.  Peter tells him “on the real” that if his wife dislikes Kenya, he should jump on the dislike bandwagon without haste.  He should have told Phaedra, “The only person I want on my d*ck is you!”  Ahh…romance.  Peter points out that “homegirl [Kenya] was wrong”, she was trying to embarrass Phaedra via Apollo.  He recommends Apollo spend some money on Phaedra and placate her with gifts, because nothing says I’m an insufferable jackwagon like a d*ck in a box.

Dick_in_Box

We check in with Kandi and for some reason all of her artwork looks like it’s out of a crime scene, bright red splatter paint and her white carpet has an odd black ink-blot design on it.  Anyway, Kandi chats with her personal assistant/best friend, Carmon, regarding the tension between Todd and Mama Joyce.  Apparently Mama Joyce suggested that Carmon and Todd may be hooking up.  Even Carmon is appalled at this malevolence and she points out that Kandi lets Mama Joyce get away with it.  Carmon recommends that Kandi tell Mama that “you either get it together, or you won’t be seein’ me no mo!”, which is basically a harsher way to deliver the same advice that Riley gave Kandi two episodes ago.

Kenya and Miss Lawrence arrive at Kenya’s new rental house, which she found without Nene’s help, so Kenya decides to call Nene and rub it in.  Oddly, Nene tells her about a great handyman and Kenya goes south with it, “can he unclog some pipes?  Text me the number!”  Kenya raves about what a good friend Nene has been to her lately, which suggests that Nene will soon turn on her like a rotten ham.

Cynthia and Nene go grocery shopping together so Cynthia can find some healthier foods to prevent her tummy from puffing up to a size 6, but really Cynthia admits she wants to spend all the time she can with her Nene before she jets off to L.A. for her next gig.  Cynthia asks Nene for advice about Noelle and the boyfriend situation, but Nene doesn’t mince words.  If Cynthia wants to keep her daughter from being a candidate for “Teen Mom 9”, she better put the kibosh on this situation.  Nene is on such a passionate rant about teen dating, but is quickly side tracked by the Totino’s Party Pizzas and Hot Pockets.

Nene-Shopping

Kandi’s personal chef is preparing a special meal for Kandi and Todd.  Todd has been out of town for a job with BET, but yet according to Mama Joyce, he’s not a provider.  Kandi and her Ronald McDonald hair are ready to greet Todd with hugs and kisses, but she smashes his appetite by bringing Mama Joyce.  Todd points out how he has given so much of himself, how he has passed up job opportunities for their relationship, and then he has to come home to this bullshit.  He suggests that if he can make a million, maybe then he can buy her love.  Kandi keeps laughing and he gets more and more pissed off.  He tells her to put a stop to it or he may hit the bricks.  He forces Kandi to call Mama Joyce and set up a time to have a serious sit down.  He warns Kandi that she needs to start speaking up, whether it’s to her mom or to him.  WORD!  GO TEAM TODD!

Porsha puts on her “emporer” headband and she is having a hard time with the idea of leaving her mom’s house, since her mom has doted on her, makes her meals, given up her own master bedroom, and her walk-in closets.  The hell…stay and milk it as long as you can!  Porsha’s sister drags her to look at a two bedroom apartment at $4,500 per month, but alas…the walk in closet is too small!  Not to mention it would eat up most of her “allowance”.  Porsha decides she isn’t ready yet, she needs more nurturing.  Her solution, “eat bon bons, watch Netflix, and think about it.”  Solid plan, Barbie.

Porsha-headband

Cynthia decides to have Noelle’s boyfriend, Arthur, come over with his mother so they can monitor where this young romance is headed.  For some reason, it looks like Cynthia is wearing a nightshirt with no pants, not sure what impression she is trying to make here.  I’m a model, so I can wear whatever I want?  Or I took too much pain medicine and simply forgot my pants?  Peter gives Arthur the death stare and then cuts out to go to “work” and Cynthia chats it up with Arthur’s mother while Noelle and Arthur giggle out on the patio.

Phaedra headed to Alabama to take her exams for mortuary school.  She meets up with her study group and razzes her study partner, Amber, saying “she thick wit’ it”, meaning she has an ample booty.  Phaedra declares “baby brain”, can’t focus, and decides to derail the whole study session.  Her study group is her refuge and the world of the dead is a welcome distraction because they’re quiet.

It’s the good ol’ “last ten minutes of the show Bravo formula for confrontation”.  Mama Joyce struts into Kandi’s house and gives Todd a cold, dead “Hi” like he’s a stock boy at the Pick Kwik.  She opts to conversate with the dog over Todd and as Kandi serves the food, Mama Joyce asks if Carmon did the cooking.  She calls Carmon the “lady of the house” and stirs the Carmon/Todd hooking up shit pot.  Then Mama Joyce goes off the rails and starts yelling at Kandi for not having any pictures of her on the wall.  Then she blasts on Kandi’s ring again, saying it’s not a wedding ring and Kandi knows that Todd is “thrifty” so Kandi stepped herself down for him.  At that point, if I were in Kandi’s shoes, I would have stood up and said “HOLD UP NOW MAMA!”  But of course Kandi rolls over like an obedient, tired, old, dog.  Mama Joyce bashes on Todd about not being a provider, she tells him that life stops at the Kandi Factory and he better sign that prenup.  Of course, not wanting to engage in the confrontation, Kandi leaves to shuffle around some tin foil and bring out a pie.  Mama Joyce starts needling Todd, calling him an opportunist, she claims she takes the “slick out of slick”, (whatever the hell that means, is she a drying shampoo?)  

MamaJoyce-Slick

Then in a masterstroke of Tammi Terrell gone cray cray, Mama Joyce says “there ain’t no river high enough, ain’t no ocean deep enough, ain’t no delta hot enough, to keep me off your ass!”  At this point, I am forced to conclude that Mama Joyce was smoking crack in the back of her station wagon, she has come completely unhinged.  Kandi comes back and Mama claims she and Todd have bonded?  In what effed up world?  Todd lays it down and says that he and Kandi are getting married.  Point.  Blank.  To the period.  Mama Joyce haphazardly shovels a fork full of pie in her mouth claiming she is “a work in progress”, which gives Kandi just enough hope to keep her illusion alive, thinking that Mama and Todd are going to eventually ride down a rainbow on a unicorn.

As much as I want to slap Mama Joyce, I must thank her, she is a snarky bloggers dream!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s