Everybody’s Twerkin’ for the Weekend

Kandi visits her newly completed studio/office “The Kandi Factory”, and she sits down with her manager, Don Juan to discuss her business goals.  She ends up telling him about Mama Joyce bashing Todd from here to eternity and Don Juan sits in hot pink pleather chair saying “ok”, “ok”, “ok”.  When he has a chance to give his input, he guesses Mama Joyce is worried about where she is going to “fit in” the budget.  He confesses he has the same concerns and is worried about his paychecks.  Kandi is a bit deflated by this, why is everyone around her worried about Todd hijacking their gravy train?  Sidebar:  I miss Kandi’s short hair.  The carrot top look is not twerkin’ for her.  Anyhoo, she assures Don that she “loves love”, but she loves her career too and has no plans of letting her money making abilities fall to the wayside.  No scrubs, remember? 

Gregg Leakes, however, is longing for some scrubbing in his household.  He recalls the days when Nene was a housewife and he snaps rubber gloves in her face to try and interest her in sweeping the floor.  You need gloves to sweep?  Anyhoo, Nene quickly jumps into her rolodex of complaints, “I need to go lay down”, “I’m allergic”, “broom too big”, “I don’t want small broom”, “No small broom now, I am used to this big broom.”  Saved by the bell, her manager calls with an update on her role in “Glee”.   Production has been pushed due to the death of star Cory Monteith, but it’s Nene’s world and she says “my life is over”.  Ugh, poor taste Nene!  I think the mop and gloves may be foreshadowing her future.

Nene-mop

Porsha is still lounging around her mom’s house, but this time in a maxi dress and she is carrying around a cute set of puppies.  The movers show up with the rest of her Victoria’s Secret loungewear and we learn that Kordell can’t spell, he labels the boxes “cloths” instead of “clothes”.  Porsha states that Kordell wanted to dress her up like a Barbie and thought he was “just being metrosexual”, again implying he is gay.  She finds one of her Lazzaro wedding dresses thrown in a Home Depot box and it’s damaged.  She calls Kordell a “drama queen” and throws out some “woman to woman” comment.  She discovers the wedding album goes all “Play Misty For Me” on it and tries to find the final closure she needs.

Kenya is still moving out of her house while her assistant, Brandon, reads mean tweets from the landlady, Conya.  Kenya insists that Conya is just a jealous hater and is throwing her out because she isn’t part of the faboo Kenya entourage.  Kenya breaks out into song “don’t come for me unless I send for you.”  I sense a new iTunes hit with Brandon on background vocals.  Kenya proceeds to twerk around the house and rub her butt implants on the grand piano, which helps alleviate her “stress”.  Sad Brandon tries to offer some beat boxing to accompany her middle-aged twerking efforts while he packs up her fork, pan, and frozen Trader Joe entrees.

Kenya-twerk

Phaedra and Apollo are prepping for a family photo shoot and Apollo is already bitching about it.  Apollo is seriously, “get off my lawn” cranky, he and Phaedra get into a closed door kerfuffle.  He claims he didn’t know about the photo shoot and Phaedra remains calm, “I’m fixin’ to have a moment.”  Translation = “Shut the hell up, Apollo, before I rip out your intestines and use them as my personal jump rope in my next Phine Booty work out video!”

Back at Kandi Town Estates, Kandi has a frank conversation with her daughter Riley, who isn’t afraid to sweep.  Kandi is trying to feel Riley out about the pending nuptials, but Riley seems indifferent.  She does, however, confirm that she has not said negative things to Mama Joyce about Todd.  It is here that Kandi learns that Riley has her back.  Riley says that if Mama doesn’t like Todd, I guess she won’t be able to hang around much.  PLONK!  Out of the mouths of babes.  Sidebar:  It looks like Kandi used her leftover hair dye on Riley’s hair and there was only enough for the ends.  Get that child to a salon, STAT!

Kandi-Riley

Cynthia heads home to recoup from her fibroid surgery and Peter lovingly helps her up the stairs by holding her by the back of her pants like she is a toddler who just took an atomic dump.  Cynthia takes a moment to thank Peter for taking care of her and instead of being gracious, he starts asking when she will stop being mean and grouchy and ride his creaky bones more often than once a month.  Peter takes jack ass of the week for even asking her that immediately after surgery.  Although, Karma is at play here, Peter leans in to give Cynthia a kiss and she burps in his mouth.

Kandi stops by to see Porsha and assess the damage, not only to Porsha, but to her things.  Porsha shows her the damaged wedding dress and says that is why she can’t be around Kordell alone.  Kandi asks if he beat her and Porsha takes a long pause and delivers an unconvincing “no”.  Kandi isn’t buying it and reads into the long pause.  Porsha tells her she still has no closure and she feels like she is dealing with a death.  Porsha breaks down and admits that she was afraid to tell the ladies what was really going on for fear of being told “I told you so”, which is precisely what would have happened.  Kandi gives her comfort and says “it can’t rain forever”, do I sense Kandi writing a song in her head?  Then they find the “Bedroom Kandi” bag, which Porsha swears she did not open, and the butt balls and mysteriously missing.  Things that hum make you go “Hmmmm”.

Back at Casa-Del-Dysfunction, Kenya finds her landlady’s wedding dress, which was left in the house.  She puts it on and it’s hideously ugly, and ironically fits, but it’s as close as Kenya will get to wearing one if she keeps her cray cray on display.  As Kenya is twerkin’ around in the dress, Cousin Che describes her as “emotionally disturbed”, but that doesn’t even scratch the surface.

The landlady shows up at the house and starts screamin’ at Kenya and calls 911.  The dispatcher asks for a description of Kenya Moore and landlady says “black, tall, female, medium build, with weaves, contacts, and implants.”  Oh and did we mention she is FULL BLOWN BALLS ON NUTS CRAZY?

Next week looks a bit juicier, we find out that Porsha couldn’t get preggers because Kordell wouldn’t try, further propagating the gay rumors.  We get to see Kenya’s new ghetto digs and Phaedra confronts the Kenya/Apollo inappropriate sexting.

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