Guuuuurl Code

We start this week with Kenya celebrating her victory in court against her evil landlord.  She can barely get out of the courthouse with all of the paparazzi stalking her.  Seriously, it’s like one dude who rolls out of a garbage can to look at her and then turns back around to continue heating his slim jim with a lighter.

Kenya-papparazi

Later, Nene and Kenya meet and Nene confronts her about the crap she pulled at Cynthia’s party.  Kenya turns on the water works, how can Nene be so cruel to a damsel in distress, being displaced from her home?  Nene ain’t buyin’ the act, she offers to help Kenya to find a new place to hang her curtain rod, but Kenya shifts gears.  If she can’t plea her case that way, she will go back to harping about her “ex” being invited to Nene’s wedding.  Nene shoots down that horse shit too, when you see an ex, “that’s when you really twirl, honey!”  Nene finally gives a lesson in friendship, in order to have a friend, be a friend, and stop being such a hot diggity dog gone mess!  Nene also brings up how Kenya is breaking the “G Code” by texting with Apollo.  Nene gets line of the night… “All this dick in Atlanta and you gotta text somebody else’s man, girl go on.”  PLONK!  Nene suggests a good ol’ fashioned ho down where all the girls can gather and Kenya can clear up all her bull shit.

Cynthia is having a rough day, her stomach is a little puffed up and she looks pregnant.  Cynthia apparently has fibroids and it makes her look bloated.  Peter has a simple diagnosis “put down the cupcakes”.  Ouch…Can we say “douchekebab”?  Cynthia has a good cry about her fat ass stomach and Peter encourages her to get to the doctor and look into having a procedure.  Cynthia is thinking she may need a hysterectomy and Peter is thinkin’ lap band.  She should just give him a swift kick in the balls and tell him she will stop sucking down cupcakes when he can stop sucking up her bank account.

Cynthia-tummy

Cynthia drops by Kandi’s house for some cheering up and to eat cupcakes without Peter breathing down her ass.  Kandi gives Cynthia the low down on Mama Joyce dissing Todd left and right and asks Cynthia for advice since her mother hated Peter.  Porsha arrives sporting a short wig and Cynthia notes that divorce looks good on her.  Phaedra isn’t a fan of the short wig, she says “small wig, small head, little brain.”  Phaedra is so exhausted by her newborn, she doesn’t even deliver her insults as smooth as cream cheese frosting anymore.  Phaedra starts dishing more Kenya dirt and claims that Kenya texted Apollo and offered to “do a Monica Lewinski”.

We get a glimpse into the mounting marital tension between Phaedra and Apollo.  Sidebar:  their son Ayden is ah-dorbs fawning over his new bro, Mr. President.

Mr.Pres

Apollo interrupts the “snig dig” between Phaedra and her assistant and they begin to debate about the décor in the house and each other’s taste levels.  Phaedra implies that Apollo isn’t working fast enough and Apollo infers that Phaedra doesn’t do shit.  Apollo slings on his backpack and storms out.

Finally, the shit show, during the last 10 minutes of the episode, which seems to be the formula for all of the “Housewives” franchises these days.  Nene escorts Kenya into a public restaurant to calmly address the little squad of horrors about her abhorrent behavior.   In true Kenya fashion, she dives right in about the text messages and holds her ground that they were not at all inappropriate.  Bottom line, Kenya and Apollo should not have been texting each other at all.  Porsha throws in her two cents and Keyna dismisses her like a pair of shoes from Payless.  Porsha blows up and pulls a Sweet Brown “ain’t nobody got time for dat!”  Pheadra brings up the fact that Kenya accused her and Apollo of having AIDS.  Kenya defends her comments because it was said at the reunion in the heat of the moment, when it’s customary to hurl vile insults.

Porsha and her sister Lauren are like “siamese cats”.  Oy…a collective OY!  Porsha not only moved in with her mother, but she kicks her out of the master bedroom.  Porsha has her $5,000.00 spousal support check and is happily leaping around, unloading her sequined Victoria’s Secret lounge wear into her mother’s closet.  Her mood is dampened when she receives a text from her lawyer saying that Kordell will pack up the rest of her bedazzled shit and light it on fire at the end of her mother’s driveway.  Porsha gives a speech about Karma having a name, being bitch, and it’s going to bite him in his big bubble butt.  I thought Karma’s name was, well, Karma.

Kandi stops by her old house, which she has apparently given to Mama Joyce.  Mama is still sporting her Joyce DeWitt wig from the “Three’s Company Collection”.  Mama Joyce keeps hearing word on the street that Todd is no good, but I think the more pressing issue here is why is Mama Joyce hanging out on the street where they talk shit about Todd?  We flash back to a therapy session where Mama was bashing on Kandi’s then fiancée, A.J.  Kandi confronts Mama about how badly she treats Todd, but Mama Joyce blows up about Todd being a free loader, Kandi pays for everything, but  Kandi assures her that Todd pays bills in the household as well.  Kandi also assures she will have a prenup but Mama Joyce combats, any prenup can be “sliced and diced”.  If Kandi chokes on a chicken bone, you bet your ass Todd is gonna tell Mama to get out!  So, we finally get down to the crux of the matter, Mama Joyce is worried that her gravy train is pulling out of the station.

MamaJoyce

Mama Joyce keeps listing all the reasons why Todd the freeloader sucks, while standing in THE HOUSE KANDI GAVE HER.  She plays the kid card and says that Riley doesn’t like Todd.  As if that were not low enough, she rags on Kandi’s ring, “it was only $7,500.00”, Todd should have gotten “a real ring”.  Yeah, well Mama Joyce should have bought herself a real house.  Kandi defends the ring she picked out and her choice to have a relationship with Todd, but Mama Joyce walks out and leaves Kandi in the empty room to lose her shiz.

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