The Wind Beneath My Bling

Welcome back ATL fans, buckle up your slanket because all the Hotlanta drama is back.  Each “wife” has a new tagline this season. 

  • Nene:  Success is in my DNA, when one door closes, another one opens.
  • Kandi:  Music may be my passion but family is forever.
  • Cynthia:  My business is beauty, and I’m the boss.
  • Porsha:  I am still standing and I’m making my own rules!
  • Phaedra:  A true southern belle knows her own worth and I am priceless.
  • Kenya:  People think they have me figured out, but I’m always the wild card.

Nene is fresh off her re-nuptials and now that “The New Normal” is shit canned, she is back in the ATL full time.  She is surrounded by Tiffany boxes, wedding gifts, and a rather disturbing, large self-portrait.  She opens up an Hermès plate she received from Teresa and Joe Goo-boo-chay.  I hope they purchased that post-petition bankruptcy or it can go straight to the Feds.  Poor Gregg Leakes, he trails after Miss Nene picking up scraps of wrapping paper as if they are pieces of his former self.

Nene-portrait

Porsha’s half-sister, Lauren, gives Porsha a pep talk prior to a meeting with her lawyer to prepare for the deposition.  Porsha’s attorney is none other than Randy Kessler, the same dude that helped NeNe divorce Gregg.  Porsha revisits how she was blindsided by finding out that Kordell was divorcing her via Twitter and she breaks down.  She wants to present a list of terms to Kordell in case he wants to reconcile.  Her lawyer agrees to consult with Kordell’s counsel on her request, but something tells me this crazy train has already derailed.

Equally blindsided is Cynthia, who is packing up the Bailey Agency.  Peter bought a warehouse across from Bar One and neglected to tell Cynthia for six months that he bought said building with their money.  Cynthia is smiling her way through it, but underneath you can tell she is seething and ready to skin his balls.

Kenya twirls into the agency and everyone acts surprised.  Apparently, Kenya has been in Africa and hasn’t had any contact with the crew all summer.  What a perfect opportunity for Cynthia to invite Kenya to the grand opening of the new warehouse space and reconvene with all the girls.  Kenya doesn’t even try to contain her disdain and launches into her bitch fest about how nobody reached out to her when she was being bounced on her stallion booty from her rental home and had to pack up her silicone butt pads all by herself.  Cynthia points out, bridges were burned and Kenya has no reason to be “salty”.  Kenya is also burnt up because Nene invited her fake ex-boyfriend, Walter, to her re-wedding.  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it and tells her to talk to Nene about that.  Cynthia also notes that Kenya wasn’t even at the wedding, so WHAT THE WEAVE?

Meanwhile, Phaedra has welcomed her second child, Dylan, into the mix and they have moved to a new home in Buckhead.  Ayden remains the “little prince” and Dylan is “Mr. President”.  Oh, these two boys are going to soooo get beat up at recess when they start school.  The new home is also under major re-construction and it looks like an episode of “Hoarders” up in dere.  We get some shots of Phaedra in the hospital and she always has great things to say about her newborns.  Ayden was “eww gross” and Dylan is “just as pale as Michael Jackson”.

Todd Tucker has gone from cameraman to Kandi’s man and the two are now blissfully engaged and gainfully employed.  Kandi reminds us that a “sugar mama” she ain’t, in fact she wrote “No Scrubs”.  Mama Joyce is less than thrilled about the engagement and thinks Todd has ulterior motives.  Todd wants to meet the issue head on and have a sit down with Mama Joyce.  The love birds also discuss the descent of Porsha and Kordell and Todd thinks the “get fresh crew” messed up their relationship by trying to get Porsha to loosen up in Vegas.  Kandi disagrees, but they both agree that they will keep the “crew” out of their bidness.

Nene and Porsha meet for lunch and Nene tells us that she has taken wayward Porsha under her wing, since Nene is now a relationship expert.  The general consensus is that Kordell pulled a “queen move” by not discussing the issues with his wife.

Porsha goes to visit her mom after her deposition and says that Kordell was brutally honest.  Porsha wanted some closure on why he is divorcing her, but she isn’t getting any from her cowardly husband.  Her mother points out that he only came to see Porsha one time during the week she was in the hospital after her miscarriage.  Porsha is better off without him, but she can’t see that yet.  The rumors about Kordell being gay are brought up again and Porsha admits she was also questioning it.

It’s the night of the opening for “Industry Studios” and of course, it’s a white party, because Kyle Richards has taught us nothing.  Kenya shows up and she has clearly pulled the training wheels off the skankmobile.  She has on a white dress shirt tied above her belly button, lookin’ like a hillbilly.  Kandi has to cut and run to go do her radio show so she can avoid the drama.  Phaedra gets line of the night:  “Thank God for Derek J. and his hot pants and heels.  He whisked me right away from that beauty queen on baf salts.”  Instead, Kenya pries on Porsha about her divorce, but Porsha refuses to talk about it at the party.  Cynthia notices how everyone disappeared and she gets stuck showing Kenya and Lawrence around.

Nene and Kenya finally come face to face and Kenya whines to her about not hearing from anyone during her time of need when she was gone with the wind fabulous homeless.  Nene sasses her right back and decides to walk away from the cray cray.  Kenya follows Nene and confronts her about inviting Walter to the wedding.  Nene explains that Walter and Gregg are friends and basically tells her to step the hell off.  Kenya refuses to be dismissed and keeps following Nene around, blathering.  I swear, I can’t even listen to her without wanting to chainsaw someone’s insides.  At one point, Kenya grabs Nene’s ear and tells her to listen.  Dayum gurrrl, give it up before Nene “PLONK’s” you in that fresh nose job!  They go back and forth a bit and Nene lays it down “no BITCH will ever tell me who I can and cannot talk to!”

Nene-Gone_Wind

We get a li’l sampling of the season and it looks like there is going to be some New Jersey style brawlin’.

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