Reunions like this are such a drag, aren’t they? All we do is re-re-re-hash-hash-hash the nonsense from the season. There were no good blowouts and everyone kept their cool, which was like watching paint dry. I thank the TiVo Gods for the fast, fast, fast forward button. Let’s hit a few of the lowlights:
#1 – Do you prefer your Joe sprayed or shaved?
Answer: Obvi…shaved. He looks so much better just owning his hair fate instead of spraying on that late-night infomercial aerosol. Amiright?
#2 – The latest internet gossip…Did Albert cheat on Caroline?
Answer: No, all hype over nothing. Caroline made a statement to some internet troll by saying “it’s foolish to think he has been faithful for 32 years”. Words twisted, I can hear Officer Barbrady now “Move along folks, there’s nothing to see here.”
#3 – The awkward pause when Andy asked Teresa if Joe had been unfaithful with the secretary and the babysitter.
Response: Tre maintains his innocence, but we learn that the secretary and the babysitter were the same person. Hmmm….how conveeeeeenient. We also learn that Melissa is in charge of hiring Joe’s “staff” and will only hire trolls. However, now that he doesn’t need to spend 90 minutes applying his hair, he won’t need an assistant.
#4 – How is Melissa’s song “Never Let Me Go” coming along?
Answer: She is working on getting radio play, translation = it’s never gonna see the light of day.
#5 – Argument between Melissa and Teresa about what constitutes a “real” book.
Conclusion: More words than pictures, therefore both of their books are about as real as their eyelashes.
#6 – Teresa has a Crisis Management PR Team that advises her to watch out for stories Melissa is selling to on Radar Online.
Conclusion: Really Teresa, now is that money well spent? Melissa is mad, why isn’t her sissy in law flipping tables over the trash talking Penny, Kim D., and Jan-whowasinmywedding are doing? Teresa is a table flipper no more, just a script flipper.
#7 – Jacs pretending she didn’t notice Kathy in her “Crocodile Dundee” hats all season.
Conclusion: Rotten skank. Oh and a sidebar: What is with Kathy, she either looks sedated or her fake lashes are too heavy.
#8 – Rosie wearing a pearl necklace.
Conclusion: Need I say more?
#9 – Teresa claims she has learned not to hold grudges.
Response from Andy: “Like, in the last half hour?”
#10 – Teresa and Juicy hang out with a new gay couple. The girl hangs out with Tre and the guy hangs out with Juicy. Errr… “the femininer” one hangs out with Teresa.
Response: I. Just. Can’t.
#11 – Rosie grabs Joe’s balls.
Conclusion: I. Still. Can’t.
#12 – Being called “pussy whipped” is just as worse.
Response: RHNJ cast needs Hooked on Phonics.
#13 – Teresa is lost in space.
Response: Not even leggy, blonde, miracle worker Dr. V. can bring her back to the planet.
#14 – Penny played Teresa like a used fiddle. Teresa would not even “give her the audacity”.
Response: Rosie – “I never would have sat down wit’ da’ bitch at dinner!” Let alone give her the audacity…
#15 – Dr. V – “Stay the fuck off twitter” … “it’s hard for you, the words?”
Conclusion: Truth is vulnerability and Teresa and Melissa are not capable of either. Teresa has her emotional vocabulary now, but she can’t use it.
#16 – Joe needs anger management.
His Response: Pissed off.
#17 – “What happened to me could happen to anyone!”
Response: Oh dear Teresa, 39 counts of bankruptcy fraud, peppered with tax evasion and bank fraud, don’t “just happen”. You have to be a special kind of knuckle dragging, chucklefuck to make that happen!
Everyone looks like they would rather be eating their own earwax than sitting at this reunion, including me!