Texteses, Lies, and Poorly Edited Video Tape

The argument continues to heat up at “Moxie Extension Bar for the Damned”, the group summons the foul Kim D. and her melty, margarine colored extensions into the mix, who Caroline points out is the common denominator in all the drama.  Teresa demands that Penny pull up “her textes”, but alas, Penny doesn’t “save texteses”.  “What a co-wink-a-dink, she doesn’t save texteses!” Teresa shrieks like a cat on a waffle iron.  My spell check just told me to “get bent” and flipped me off.  Johnny, Penny’s husband, arrives ready to rumble in his Kangol hat.  Joe introduces himself and confronts him about the disparaging tweets.  They get heated very quickly and there is a bit of a brawl, Bravo doesn’t show it, which is kinda gyppie considering this scene has been hyped and all we want to see is a good ol’ fashioned ass kickin’.  All we do see is a bunch of Posche II poly chiffon skank all over the floor, Juicy and Teresa sharting themselves, and Joe – a furious, frothing, little gnome, practically in tears.



Caroline is screaming at Kim D. and straight up loses her shiz.  “Are you happy?  Are you happy what you did to a fambly?!?!?!”  A Boy II Manzo wrestles Caro out of the salon as she continues to rant, “I don’t understand how people are so evil!”  Oh Caro, have we taught you NOTHING on the last five seasons of this ramshackle disaster?


Joe and Melissa now know that Teresa was behind everything, but Joe still defended his sister.  In a rare display of calm appropriateness, Joe tells Teresa “I’ll deal with you later” and he exits, stage left.  As Teresa leaves, she certainly gets her last words in, “They want to buy Milania hair products, tell them to f*ck themselves.”  Awesome.  Publicity.  For.  A.  Hair.  Care.  Line.  Named.  After.  Your.  CHILD!

The next day, all the little Joyseyites hold mini-confabs to rehash the Moxie debacle.  Teresa’s asshole is sweating like it’s getting paid to.  She knows the jig is up.  Melissa and Joe aren’t sure what to believe, but they know Teresa had something to do with it.  Melissa wants to forgive, but Joe wishes Teresa would just own up to her involvement.  Kathy and Richie drop by the Gorga’s and Richie suggests that Joe move forward with reconciliation and reminds them that Juicy has a court date approaching and they should all try to be there for them.  “Let’s not talk about old school, let’s do old school.”  Translation = your brother in law is about to get ass f*cked by a guy named “Bubba” for the next 16 years, try and be there for your sister.

Caroline is milling around in her mansion where the Ham Game was invented, and she realizes that she can’t ever leave this place.  Annnnnd…she is contractually obligated to stay there to accommodate the camera crew, now filming “Manzo’d with Children”.  Albert catches her waxing philosophical over some old photos and takes the opportunity to convince her to scrap Hoboken apartment.  Daddy can’t keep this boat afloat without that Bravo paycheck.

The Goo-who-flays and Laurita’s are rehashing the madness at Moxie and Chris offers his two cents and advises Teresa to come clean with Joe.  Chris and Juicy “go for a walk” because they are bored shitless and they allow Lucy and Ethel to talk privately.  Jacs echoes her hubby’s sentiments, just be the bigger forehead person and come clean.  Teresa actually admits that she maybe did some things wrong and has regrets.  Of course, she must throw in the fact that Melissa “was doing things” to her.  Not sure what Melissa was doing, other than torturing Teresa with sprinkle cookies and out-eye lashing her.  Jacs is astounded at the miracle before her that is Teresa, admitting that MAYBE she did something wrong.  Perfect segue for Jacs to invite Teresa to a BLK tasting party, where Joe will be present.  Teresa can seize the opportunity to make murky amends over murky black water.  Chris and Juicy return from their prosciutto eating and Teresa announces her epiphany.  Chris offers up an analogy of the situation regarding his falling out with his sister Dina.  Not quite the same, but hey, who the hell cares?

The Boyz II Manzos welcome everyone to the BLK beverage of death tasting party and the gang starts tasting the wretched flavors.  The Fruity Paranoia Punch is the crowd favorite, but everyone is revolted by the special flavor custom made for Joe called “Love Poison”.

Jacs whips out her cattle prod and prompts Teresa to talk to Joe.  Teresa tells him “I want to show you something…”, and pulls him aside.  She maybe kinda regrets things that she has done and finally admits that “like” when she “like” heard negative things “like” about Melissa, it made her “like” feel better.  Joe accepts her apology, albeit half-assed and dodgy.  She breaks down and gets very emotional and tells Joe that she loves him and doesn’t want to fight anymore.  Where have we heard that before?  And where is Melissa’s apology?  Joe feels that she is being genuine, but I’ll wait until the reunion before I believe any of these theatrics.


The Goo-boo-chay clan returns to their shore home which has been restored from the Hurricane Sandy damage.  Everyone arrives for a barbecue, Fabellini’s on the rocks, store bought cake, and analogies between the hurricane and this season of the show.  The gang sits around the fire and reflects on all the progress (?) they have made.  Translation = at least they didn’t kill each other.


Kathy – started building her dream home and Richie will stay the f*ck out of the way if he knows what is good for him.  Doesn’t he have a collar to pop and some transition lenses to polish?

Jacs – focusing on Nicholas and A$$lee has returned for an extended stay.  Get down to the unemployment line, Jacs.  Heard she is not returning next season?

Caroline – broke the lease on the Hoboken apartment.  Happy at home playing the Ham Game with Lauren, sister Frannie, a bunch of animals, and a camera crew filming her own spinoff.

Melissa – sold their McMansion for a paltry $3.8 million.  New home is 30 minutes away from drama central and they have yet to have the entire family over for Sunday dinner.

Teresa and Juicy – 39 count indictment.  They plead “not guilty” and could face jail time and Joe could be deported, but Teresa continues to “love, love, love.”

We are treated to a quick non-touching moment betwixt Juicy and Teresa.  They stand next to the water, embracing, looking longingly into each other’s dead eyes.  She looks very much at peace, which for her is a confluence of denial, drunkenness, itchy weave scalp, and obsessing over what will accessorize best with prison orange.  Juicy is livin’ on a supposition and a prayer.  He will prove himself right and their federal fraud charges “little issue” is no big deal.  Will Juice man be saying that when they pry his soap on a rope from his cold, dead hands?  Who knows, will be interesting to see what happens with these two.  See you at the reunion!

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