Hair Me Out

Melissa is frantically packing for her trip to Johnny’s Orlando compound, as she ponders how many sequined onesies to pack, she fills Joe in on her confrontation with Teresa regarding the latest news from Penny.  The long and short of it, Teresa Goo-boo-chay did what she did best, deny, deny, shuffle, twirl, deny.

Teresa and Jacs are together again and they go shopping, where else, but at that broke down bargain boutique house of tacky, Posche.  Kim D. is so happy to see them together and Jacs wants to buy a jump suit even though it gives her “camel toe”.  Teresa tells her that “camel toe is sexy”, red flag right there Jacs, Teresa is NOT your friend!  Kim D. shares exciting news that she is opening a more unrefined, Posche II.  Of course, what else will there be?  A grand opening party of epic proportion, where all the feuding, psychotic, shrews can gather.  Kim D. informs Teresa that Penny will be there and Teresa shares the latest drama.  Teresa assures Kim D. she will be “calm as a cucumber”, and Kim D. quickly corrects her.  Again, red flag that you ain’t livin’ right, Teresa…being corrected by that awful crypt keeper Kim D.

Joe and Melissa arrive at the compound in Orlando and they admire all of Johnny’s belongings.  Joe thinks Melissa will be the “next Melissa GaGa”, yes but only if all of her fans are tone deaf.  Johnny plans to take Melissa’s song to a local radio station and if they like it, she may have shot at a show to perform in front of 150,000 people.  The only catch is she will have to sing live at the radio station.  Right then, all of Melissa’s fake eyelashes fall out at the thought of singing live, although what better way to prove that she does lip sync to everyone that she doesn’t lip sync.

At the Wakile’s, Richie drives up, incessantly honking the horn of a new Jeep.  It’s a birthday present for their son and it’s adorned with balloons and a mylar champagne bottle balloon, which Kathy finds totes inappropriate.  Richie wants her to buzz off, “don’t you have cannoli to fill?”  Well played, Richie, well played.  They take the new Jeep for a joyride like they are P Diddy an’ shit, Richie tells his son “I just extended your penis by two inches”.  Parenting.  At.  It’s.  Finest.  No, you didn’t Richie, the Jeep is white.  That only buys your son about a half inch at best.

Teresa arrives at a restaurant looking like she fell ass backward into the 70’s bargain bin at the Salvation Army Store.  She meets her pal, Victoria Gotti, for lunch.  She and Vicki hit it off when they met on the “Celebrity Apprentice”, but Vicki isn’t in the mood for superficial small talk, she cuts right to the chase and asks Teresa about her legal woes.  Teresa nearly chokes on her Clams Casino and says she doesn’t want to talk about it, SHOCKER, but Vicki offers her some advice anyway.  She encourages Teresa to talk to her daughters about it and not let them learn about it in the news, but Vicki’s advice is a day late and an indictment short.


Meanwhile, back in the Sunshine State, Melissa works with the vocal coach so he can see what he doesn’t have to work with.  He tells her it normally takes about two weeks to train her on everything she needs to know, but she only has 24 hours.  He has her sing a song and she sounds like an American Idol reject.  If Simon Cowell were there, he would say “what in the bloody hell was that?”


Meanwhile in Hoboken, it’s opening night at “Little Town” restaurant.  The Boyz II Manzos are in a full blown flop sweat worrying about the food.  Mama Manzo worries about the Boyz worrying about the food.  She furthers everyone’s worries by expressing trepidations about the Brownstone Beef, but Papa Manzo gives it a thumbs up and tells Caro to shut the hell up.

Melissa is at Clear Channel Radio ready to perform live on 106.7 FM, she has stuffed herself into her glitteriest corset to discuss the meaning of her new song, “Never Let Me Go.”  Of course, the song is about how she will never let go of Autotune her devoted husband.  Joe will never let you go Melissa, who else will run to his aid with his baseball cap while in the midst of a brawl to help hide the fact that you have spray on hair?  Now that’s devotion.  Back in Joysey, everyone is prepped and ready to listen to Melissa streaming live.  She performs on the rinky dink tile floor with a small backdrop that looks like something a 12 year old set up to perform a neighborhood puppet show. 


She clearly has some auto tune behind her.  The Goo-boo-chays get into it, but the Wakile’s aren’t drunk enough to enjoy it.  Jacs is way into it, of course, because she is already 1/2 gallon of Carlo Rossi into her day.  All is well that ends well, Johnny invites Melissa to perform at the big show.


It’s the night of the Posche II party and Joe wants Melissa to “grow some balls” and confront Penny and Johnny.  The gang arrives at “Moxie, The Salon for Assholes” where the Posche II party is being held.  The highlight of this whole episode is watching Juicy get his eyebrows plucked as winces in pain.  Oh Juice man, that is nothing compared to what they are going to do to you in prison.  You may want to consider a Brazilian wax while you’re at the salon…jus’ sayin’.  Joe walks in, sporting his cat burglar hat in case a brawl erupts.  Hey, that spray on hair ain’t cheap!


Penny arrives with her broke down weave looking worse than Britney on a 7 a.m. Fanta-n-Funyion run.  Jacs is ready to pounce on Penny about the tweets her hubby made about Nicholas.  Caroline gets wind that Jacs is seeking out Penny and she drops her finger food so she can butt in.  Penny denies that Johnny said anything about Nicholas and claims she was put up to tweeting mean things.  Penny assures Jacs it was not her, she loves autistic children, in fact she…ahem… “taught autism.”  Yes.  That.  Happened.  Melissa and Teresa then swoop in and pull Penny aside to confront her together, as a united front, as they planned, until things go horribly awry.  Penny tells Melissa that Teresa fed her the information for the nasty tweets and Teresa wanted to destroy Melissa.  Teresa goes into full blown Mothra mode and they get into it, the acrylic nails are flying and Penny lays down the pièce de résistance, Teresa knew about Melissa being set up for stripper-gate at the Posche Fashion Show.

This is just the undercard, folks.  Next week is the mane event and it promises to be unbeweavable!  Jaws drop, eyes widen, $2.00 weaves are yanked from their roots, and black scuff marks from Joes’ spray on hair will be everywhere!


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