Penny Wise, Pound Foolish

We start out with Teresa and her mother and mother in law arriving at the new “Skinny Italian Showroom”.  Seriously, this place looks like it’s located where hits are carried out.  They go inside and the mama’s marvel at the beautiful gift baskets filled with goods that “fell off of trucks”.  Teresa is so proud of her pasta package labels, designed by Milania on her doodle maker.  Mama Goo-boo-chay suggests Teresa and her brother get together “why you no brother invita you for dinna?”  Hmmm…wonder where Teresa got that shit-stirring gene?

Joe and Melissa have lunch with the Goo-boo-chays, complete with Mama Goo-boo-chay.  Papa Goo-boo couldn’t make it due to a kidney stone, or due to the fact that he is so pissed at Joe and Teresa that he would rather eat his own earwax than dine with the likes of those two.  Juicy rolls in late wearing a work tee shirt and he dives into the colossal shrimp and lobster appetizer, like the slobbering Mucinex slug he is.  Mama Goo-boo lectures Melissa and Teresa about their tongues and tells them to watch their mouths.  Better add thumbs to that as well, these two can rip off some spiteful tweets.  Teresa gives us a cliché for the ages “the tongue doesn’t have a bone, but it breaks bones.”  They all give each other smiles and kisses and for the moment, it’s all rainbows and lollipops.

Teresa heads over to Jacs’ place to “horse around” and assist her with her upcoming speech for an autism event.  I think Jacs should wear her horse mask for her speech, that would have real impact. 

Jacs-Horse

The girls spy on Nicholas during his music therapy with “Jammin’ Jen”.  Meanwhile, across town, Rosie and Juicy have their own play date and they hunker down at the counter for some steak and to discuss the emotionally intense “equonics experience.”  Juicy corrects Rosie and calls it “ebonics”.  Oy, these two…Rosie feels great after the experience and she is looking forward to hanging out with Juicy a bit more.  They get into a detailed discussion about surrogacy, Juicy wants a son, maybe they can implant his eggs in his mistress, then they try to split the atom and realize they “ain’t so good at this medical stuff.”

The Teresa/Jacs brain trust is working hard on the speech Jacs will deliver on autism.  There is steam coming out both of their ears.  Chris talks about the speech writing effort to the camera, but he can’t even keep a straight face.  It’s like the blind leading the blind.

Melissa and Joe travel to Manhattan to meet Johnny Wright, a big wig music manager who also manages Justin Timberlake.  Melissa prattles on about her passion for singing, and her goal is to be an ideal mom and wife as well.  Johnny bursts her bubble with the garnish spear from his drink and gives her the straight dope.  The record companies don’t give a wet shit about her family, they are going to invest in talent and they want a return on their investment.  She is going to have to WORK, not to be confused with TWERK!  Johnny also tells her that her music is disingenuous; all the “clubby” shit is incongruent with who she actually is and what her life is about.  So I guess her next cut will be called “Whiny Wannabe”.

Kathy has scored an in-store demo of her cannoli kit at Dylan’s Candy Bar in Manhattan.  It’s the big day and Kathy is stricken with laryngitis and she is in full throttle, pedal to the metal, nitro burnin’ bitch mode.  Richie is trying to help, but he drops her business cards all over and drops her only poster face down on the wet, greasy driveway.  Kill.  Him.  Now.

Justin Thorne, singer/songwriter and bubble bursting Johnny arrive at Melissa’s house to record a song called “Never Let Me Go”.  Melissa can’t lay the track down to save her dogs life and Johnny busts out a lecture, she needs to go away to his Orlando compound to work on her…ahem…skills.  And we use that term “skills” very loosely.  “The after school sessions are over”, Johnny says rather bluntly, once again bursting her delicate bubble with the toothpick he used to pick amateurs like her out of his teeth.

Back in Joysey, Caroline has a migraine and can’t possibly make it to the cannoli demo.  The event manager is pressing Kathy as to why her fambly attendance is dodgy at best, translation = where are the cast mates people actually want to see?  Finally, the rest of the vile gang shuffles in.  Jacs shows support for Kathy by molesting a pastry bag full of cannoli filling and piping it right into her pie hole.  Because.  That’s.  So.  Sanitary.  Careful Jacs, you don’t want to bust a suture on that fresh tummy tuck!  Teresa describes the cannoli kit as “edible” and tries not to roll her eyes.  As if selling pre-packaged dry pasta with Avery labels printed on your inkjet printer in an abandoned warehouse in Joysey is better?

It’s the day of the autism event sponsored by the beverage that even starving children in Somalia wouldn’t drink BLK Water.  Teresa is faithfully by Jacs’ side, sporting her home made “Milania Hair Care” hat, complete with missing bedazzles.  Jacs give her speech and everyone gets teary eyed and I guess it’s a big success?  The best part of this whole storyline was Lauren Manzo wiping out on her ass on the basketball court.  AMIRIGHT?!?!?!

Let’s wrap up this snooze fest with a Melissa and Joe date night.  Melissa tells Joe about having to go to Orlando to work on her vocals, to which Joe scoffs.  But wait, we interrupt this scintillating marital debate to bring you a sighting of Penny, the warbled wig wrangler.  Melissa takes the opportunity to approach Penny at the bar and Joe toddles along behind her. 

Penny-confront

They confront Penny and she throws her highly flammable synthetic ponytail over her shoulder and proceeds to throw Teresa under the bus, backs it up and runs her over three times for good measure.  Teresa is behind the cheating rumors and she can prove that she and Teresa are “friends” because she has Tre on speed dial.  [Insert sound of needle scratching off of record here]  Can we just backtrack and talk about the synthetic my little pony for a minute?  It looked like second-rate Barbie hair, the kind that I used to melt in my mother’s curling iron when I would try to style the dolls hair.  Whew, thanks for letting me get that off my chest, so anyhoo…Penny alleges that Teresa is behind the Melissa rumors and Penny is mad as hell and she isn’t going to take it anymore.

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