Champs with raspberries all around! Miraval resort and spa has changed everyone, but wait…Caro Manzo brings us back to earth. This could be the same ol’ song and dance, they have been in this place before, cheering, eating raspberries, cleaning the slate, wearing bad fashion. She suggests that anyone in the group who still feels un-cleansed should speak now or forever hold their peace. Joe cocks his fedora, prepared to spearhead the last chance cleanse, “I’m not happy” he says, and he emotionally lets loose on his sister about the allegations made by Penny the crypt keeper. They argue, it escalates, and Joe, the little menace to society that could, smashes his champs glass to the ground! Flash back 12 hours…oh I love when the housewives gets all “Lost” on us and tells the story in flashbacks…
Joe wakes Melissa up and starts doing a stripper move called “the dip” whereby he puts his “d*ck in a box” in her face and gyrates like a piston. She shoves him away and then he starts sucking on her toes. Teresa walks in, she sits down on the bed and presents Melissa with a gift of black panties with a bedazzled peace sign on them. The panties aren’t even in a box or gift bag or anything, just loose, twirling around her finger. This is hella awkward, although Melissa looks relieved that Teresa walked in and put an end to the teabagging “the dip”. Joe takes a whiff of the panties and deems them suitable for wearing, I bet $5 Melissa throws the sprinkle panties right in the trash.
The Wakile’s hike up a mountain and Rosie says “I gotta tell ya’, I’m all f*cked up from that horse shit.” Yes, Rosie, we are too. Wyatt was amazing the way he called all of you out on your flaws within three seconds. Rosie and Kathy commiserate, Kathy is still a bit burnt about Rosie sticking up for her during the drum circle activity. Hey give it a rest Kath, you want Brass Knuckle Rosie in your corner no matter what. She will go downtown to Chinatown for your ass. Rosie is very emotional, she has no one in her life telling her how wonderful she is, she throws a couple of water bottles into the bushes to relive her stress and then Kathy gathers them because she doesn’t want to litter. But she is not a doormat!
Al and Caroline go off for a couples massage and Caro is again suffering from a migraine. They discuss the amazeballs horse shit from the day before and Al said he would have opened up even more if he had been alone with Wyatt. Albert says that he took the best of what his dad taught him and tried to instill that in his own children, even though they embark on undercapitalized ventures that are long shots. Solid. Business. Strategy.
The other men hit the pool for some good ol’ fashioned fun. They start horsing around immediately and chase people away. I can’t imagine why. The sight of Richie is enough to send anyone in for some extra equine sessions with Wyatt.
Joe offers up a toast to Juicy and tells him he loves him and he’s a good guy. Joe is impressed at Juicy’s ability to bring down his arrogance and be real. So looks like the guys are on the mend.
The ladies head off for some zennis tennis, the instructor tells them to check their egos at the gate. Doesn’t she know these broads don’t check anything, not their hair, their eye makeup, their outfits, nor their balance at the ATM machine. Teresa drops down and does 20 pushups, because that is so the opposite of ego, and they prep for a rousing round of doubles. The women are getting very competitive on the tennis court and the strains on the relationships are showing. Teresa and her camel toe are totally pissed when they lose.
The next activity is the high wire ropes course where two people will go up and will need to depend on each other to get across. Joe and Teresa climb up to go for it first, they take about five steps and bam…relationship healed! Rich and Kathy try next and fall off immediately. Teresa wants Melissa to take off her fedora and neon fringy bikini top and try the course with her. Melissa agrees to trust Teresa, just for today. They are up on the wires, shaking, but they actually make it the farthest. Meanwhile, down on ground level, Joe continues to read disparaging tweets from Penny the wobbly wig lady. Haven’t these people ever heard of “unfollow”?
Everyone preps for evening dinner and birthday girl, Melissa, arrives fashionably late in a glittery romper from the J.C. Penney Solid Gold Dancer Collection. The gang all reminisces about the equine therapy, and then Juicy tells some totally inappropriate story about his father’s crooked schlong much to Jacs liking. Melissa blows out the candles on her cake and reveals to the audience that her birthday wish is that the gossip would stop. She then gives a toast and names everyone EXCEPT TERESA. Caroline watches this, rather scornfully, with that look like she’s about to spew some speech about “FAMBLY” and make them hug it out.
Okay so we have made it back to where we left off at the top o’ the hour. Champs and raspberries for everyone! The Joes talk about how great it is that they have reconciled and Teresa says she feels “like a lot of zen.” Juicy tells her to “shut the f*ck up with the zen” and everyone laughs. Caro continues to look at everyone scornfully, she busts out her lecture from the top of the show and Joe starts his final cleanse again. Joe reveals that he believes Teresa did tell other people things about Joe and Melissa. Teresa denies any involvement and immediately wants to drop it. What Teresa doesn’t seem to understand here is that Teresa was privy to all this shit talking and never defended Joe or Melissa. So even if she didn’t talk shit, she still let it happen. As Dr. V told her, when you do that, then you’re the asshole.
Jacs doesn’t like this fighting, need more champs and a fuzzy bear blanket, she looks like the cheese just fell off her cracker. Juicy defends Teresa and then he and Joe get into it. Joe yells at Teresa and throws his champs glass. Melissa is pissed and manhandles him out of the room calling him “an idiot” Always the victim, Teresa says “the glass almost went in my eye!” even though Joe threw it nowhere near anyone.
Caroline takes the opportunity to lecture more, Kathy jumps in about trust and shutting out the outsiders talking crap. Somehow, the unit turns around and they all rally together to go confront the outsiders as a family unit. Even Al Manzo waves his “power to the people” fist. Whew…I’m glad we got that worked out. Cosmos for everyone! United we stand divided we fall. Get it done. Wow, this is opposite world. Usually the drunk switch goes into the “nothing good can come from this” position. We will see how long the new “team” lasts. Next week, Kathy gets stood up at her cannoli event and more rumor milling.