Hoofin’ It

We are still stuck in the desert at the Miraval resort for the damned.  Melissa is tired of all this, like, healing stuff and she wants more drinky time by the pool.  Jacs and Chris discuss the Teresa karma-gate comment, but they don’t have much privacy because Teresa comes powerwalking around the corner and does a cheerleading hurkey up onto the ledge next to their table.  Sidebar:  Creepy.  Oh, and I’m getting really tired of Jacs giggling about everything like it’s the funniest damn thing she has ever seen.

Joe bee bops around the corner to round everyone up for the equine therapy sesh.  All the greezy guidos think they are going horseback riding, but the equine therapist Wyatt, has other plans.  Chris Laurita jumps up to go first and they start with an exercise where he has to lift the horse’s foot and scrape the hoof with a small tool.  An actual, tool, not Juicy Joe.  Wyatt explains that the horse only responds to authenticity.  Teresa better stand back, she’s going to get bucked in her sizzle tan teeth.  Chris is successful with Mr. Ed because he is not guarded.  Richie keeps cracking jokes and Wyatt offers a precision counterblast, “he cracks jokes so he doesn’t have to pay attention to how he feels!”  Dayum, this guy is like a southwestern Svengali.


Rosie takes her chances and Wyatt starts analyzing her to tears.  Rosie is worried she “won’t have the touch”, which translates to feeling like she is not good enough.  After a total nerve collapse and saving herself about $10K in therapy bills, she has success with the horse.

Melissa volunteers next and she reveals she is anxious and worried the horse will pee on her.  She does a curtsey and then decides to “whore stroll” up to the horse.  Wyatt calls her out and tells her she puts everyone else’s needs before her own and then feels resentful.  “There’s a difference between being nice and being manipulative”, Wyatt tells her.  She is basically “running a game” because she is only nice in order to get what she wants.  Annnd…her fedora is squeezing her brain.  Melissa can’t handle the horse or Wyatt’s spot on analysis of her horrid personality, so Joe and Teresa step up to help.  Teresa is freaking out and she and Melissa run away from the horse.  Off camera, Caroline bottom lines it, they are not capable of opening up in front of anyone.


Richie is giving it a try and Juicy walks off to take a phone call.  Teresa quickly follows him, (flashback to the vineyard).  Although, it’s not his mistress, it’s Milania demanding to know why her hair care line sales are down.  Meanwhile, Wyatt is analyzing Richie’s rage and Kathy is always holding her feelings inside.  Kathy gets right up to the horse and does her thing and Wyatt points out how she doesn’t even show how proud she is of herself.

Jacs is up next and she is already crying, which is almost more annoying than her giggling.  She gets the horse to raise its hoof and Wyatt tells her to let the tears come, Teresa actually offers her a hug and we get a glimpse of what it used to be like with these two estranged pals.  Juicy is up next and the horse moves away from him.  Wyatt asks what his fear is and he admits he is afraid of the legal “motor vehicle issue” he has going on.  The horse finally cooperates and the gang marvels at Juicy’s honesty.  “When you have acknowledged your fear, it stops having power over you,” our wise Wyatt tells Juicy.  Remember that advice during your delousing, Juice man!

Caroline and Al take their turn.  Wyatt tells Al he feels a kinship and asks Al if he was emotionally abused.  He answers “yes” and starts to cry.  Caroline and Al get the horse hoof right away.  The takeaway is to be more vulnerable and it’s a sad ass day when Juicy is willing to be more vulnerable than Melissa and Teresa.

Richie and Kathy have a productive discussion about the session, while Teresa and Melissa bash on the whole experience and act as if they don’t need therapy.  Caroline hits it on the head “Melissa and Teresa are the same person, they just cannot open up, they’re so superficial.”  Chris and Jacs discuss the horse experience and Chris thinks there was something deeper in Jacs’ tears, the horse represents Teresa and Jacs is afraid of being kicked.

Teresa hops into the hot tub while wearing her barely there, chuckelina of the desert bikini.  It is here we learn that Juicy is an ass man.  Juicy discusses his concerns with his loving wife and Teresa commends him for discussing his fear in front of everyone.  For about 20 seconds, their relationship actually seemed genuine.  Who knew there were feelings dwelling deep inside that boiling Mucinex slug?

Next up is the drum circle and they all get into it.  Afterwards, Rosie makes an announcement that the gang doesn’t give Kathy the support she deserves.  This only pisses Kathy off more because, damn it, she can assert her own self!  Teresa tells the camera Kathy “is having one of her Marcia, Marcia, Marcia moments.”  Well that’s reunion fodder if I’ve ever seen it.

Later, the gang retreats to Joe’s luxury suite to pound down some more drinks and Juicy suggests that they re-enact the equine therapy and he be the horse and Caroline be the psychiatrist.  Joe starts “horsing around” and jumps on Juicy like a little jockey.


We interrupt this bromantical moment to bring you the “burning ceremony”!  Teresa wants Jacs to go outside and write little things on little pieces of paper and burn them in a little fire.  They start to discuss things that they still hate about each other, such as Jacs’ hair.  She has some serious bed head going on.  Jacs brings up the karma comment, but Teresa dismisses it.  They pretend to write things down and Jacs keeps giggling, then they take turns scraping each other’s hooves.


Next week, it’s not all rainbows and cronuts.  There’s some high wire walking, nasty tweets, a snub, and more Manzo lecturing.

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