Chuckelina of the Desert

Teresa is doing a cooking demonstration at Chef Central, she throws some kale and bacon in a pan and Kathy shows up to give her undying support now that they have officially swept their ugliness under the Persian conversion rug.  Teresa immediately rehashes the Milania Hair Care launch, Jan-n-Penny fiasco, and Kathy is a bit outraged.  Teresa’s take on it is that the event went swimmingly because she is vindicated and has proof that she had nothing to do with the rumor spreading about Melissa.

Everyone is packing for the Arizona getaway and Melissa whines that she would rather “go alone to get away, not for nuthin’.”  Joe gives her the “it is what it is” speech and Melissa looks about as confused as Jessica Simpson in a library.  Richie and Kathy are packing up and Richie is dancing around with his popped collar and snakeskin boots, bitching about how Kathy is as cold as ice.  All he plans to do is be a real pain in the ass on this trip.  The Manzo’s pack it up with such enthusiasm, as if they are travelling to watch paint dry.  Teresa, of course, thinks she is heading out for MTV’s spring break and she packs all of her skimpy, glitter encrusted bikinis.  G to the ia is disgusted that her mother wants to dress like a first shifter at “Heavenly Bodies”.  Milania gets line of the night “ewww, why your chuckelina full of sparkles?”


Everyone’s flights arrive on time except for the Manzo/Laurita plane, who are delayed five hours or some shit.  The best part of this montage is Juicy standing outside at the airport in his Juicy Couture velour track suit that he garbage picked at Ceelo Green’s house.  He looks like the cookie monster after a hard night at the craps table.


The loud gang arrives at the Miraval resort and they are greeted with smoothies and silence.  Richie forgot to pack his “indoor voice” and he rips a cheek slapping fart in the quiet area for good measure.  Melissa is very sick and she lays in the bed whining to Joe that she needs “like a throat lozenger.”  Teresa is screaming about bugs, and the two Joes whoop it up like ol’ buddies.  Teresa decides she needs to pump up her guns and does push-ups in her bikini next to the hot tub.  Richie turns into “Debbie Downer” and bitches about his shitty accommodations, but is soon distracted by Melissa’s camel toe.


The gang gathers for dinner and Melissa announces that an “energy healer” will be coming by.  The healer tells the group she is actually a “medium”, Sidebar:  oh where is that crazy fake smoking medium, Allison Dubois, from RHBH when you need her?



Everyone is skeptical, and rightfully so, the medium is off to a rocky start.  She senses Melissa’s birthday and she should enjoy more.  No shit.  Then she talks about wanting to forgive, things misconstrued, it’s a telephone game, blood is thicker than water.  Hmm, sounds to me like she watches the show.  The medium hears from Richie’s late father and Richie goes into the ugly cry.  The medium senses cancer in the front of the body (not too vague), which is Kathy’s father and she actually hits some really personal stuff right on the money.

The next day, the gang goes for a wilderness hike, except Melissa who stays behind because she feels like ass on a stick.  Nothing a little sun therapy won’t cure.  The rest of the gang trudges through the desert and horse shit, along the trail to bliss and enlightenment.  The hike concludes with a cleansing and purifying ceremony.  They have to write on paper what they are letting go of and then burn it.  Al decides he is not going to participate, but he has a deep, dark secret written on that crumbled piece of paper…I just know it.

Caroline jumps up to go first.  She is releasing “worry”.

The rest of the gang follows suit…Joe = “anger and hate” (good one!)

Kathy = “putting everyone else’s needs before my own” (as she tosses Richie in the fire)

Jacs = “reacting to negativity or letting go of ill feelings toward people who have hurt you” (oh Jacs, why is it always all about you?!?!)

Teresa becomes emotional because, of course, everyone is talking about her rottenness.  She calls most of the gang up to the fire to join hands in a circle and wish for happiness and health.  Teresa asks Jacs to go for a walk and Jacs confesses she misses Teresa.  Leave it to Teresa to put her foot in her mouth and say that she wants to make things right so that she doesn’t experience any bad Karma, or worse yet have Karma skip a generation and kick her daughters in their tiny assess.  Jacs is trying to process this comment in her little nut brain and her CPU shoots out this translation… “Jacs, you’re a raging cunt bag and that’s why Nicholas is suffering.”  Ouch…I think that was the final nail in the coffin for these two.

Next week, equine therapy reveals some possible abuse in Al Manzo’s past.


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