Teresa and her clan arrive at Melissa’s house bearing store bought cupcakes, I hope they don’t have sprinkles on them. Shocker, Teresa is promoting another crappy product, her hair care line called “Milania”. I think Weavalicious would be a better name. Teresa critiques Melissa’s book cover and gives off negative vibes because Joe isn’t in the photo. Teresa should worry about her own self, promoting a hair care line while sporting that hot mess helmet hair, fishtail braid pin on ramshackle disaster? Really Teresa, this is what we’re doing now? Melissa brings up the cheating rumors being publicized on “Life & Style Magazine” and all Teresa can do is blink her 10 lb. eyelashes. Her advice was to “ignore it and it will go away.” Just like her 839 indictment charges, blink, blink, nod, click your $800 red bottom heels, and poof they are gone.
Kathy and Richie are grocery shopping and Richie is overly fascinated by the yams. He gets a text from Joe to go hang out at a “cigar bar”, which he tells us is code for “strip club.” Kathy is trying to chat with the women at the bakery counter and Richie keeps interjecting stupidity. Kathy wants to change the way the world thinks about cannoli. Really Kathy, why? Everybody knows that cannoli is awesome!
Richie finds himself at an actual cigar bar and he, Chris, and Joe enjoy some salads. MMMM rugged! Joe jams a knife into the bar like a li’l psycho and announces that he wants to get Melissa something special for her birthday. Richie suggests “a break from that little pea shooter you call Tarzan.” Apparently, she does need a break because Melissa texts during the act, bringing a whole new meaning to “sexting”. Chris suggests vacation to Arizona, sponsored by Bravo, they will all go together, and Richie reminds Joe to make sure that the resort has wifi so Melissa can keep texting.
Vito and Lauren are out for a Greek meal and they start talking about why Lauren doesn’t want to get engaged. She lays a line on him about her “career” at Cafface, but she tells the camera that all Vito wants to do is “sit on the couch and get fat.” This doesn’t bode well for these two, especially since Lauren is just about ready to squeeze herself back into her spandex onesie.
Joe and Melissa go out to Aladdin, which appears to be a hookah bar. Joe tells her about the Arizona trip idea and she likes it until he suggests inviting Teresa and Joe. Her face looks strained under the weight of her eyelashes as the rest of the gang shuffles in to join in the fun. Joe makes an announcement at dinner about the trip, the gang all cheers, smokes the hookah, and they make it rain for the belly dancers, and Melissa.
The next day, Joe and Melissa are hanging out on their driveway throwing snow balls at each other. Joe throws a snow ball at her and she is royally pissed because she just “did her whole hair.” C’mon Melissa, you are used to having balls hurled at your face. Teresa calls her to invite her to a launch party for the hair care line, but there’s one li’l snag…Penny and Jan will be there. Teresa spins it as an opportunity for Melissa to confront them about the cheating rumors. Sidebar: Penny owns a salon and she is Angelo’s cousin, A.K.A. Mr. Clean who claimed Melissa used to dance for him. Teresa ensures Melissa that she will be there to “back her up” in what is likely to be a hairy situation. Translation: Blink, blink, blink.
Kathy and Caroline take a stroll around Hoboken and commiserate about having their hubbies hovering over them all the time. Kathy shares her fear about her business coming between she and Richie. Of course, Caro gives her the advice on how to lay down the law and set him straight. And this is why Caroline earlier had to ask Al for grocery money? C’mon Caro…who wears the pants?
Teresa and the girls are getting ready for the launch party and Milania slides down the banister and she has a stuffed bra under her bedazzled tee-shirt.
This moment of the episode makes this hour of my life, which I will never get back, worth it. She is ready to roll with her newfound undergarments, but Teresa tells her she cannot attend the party even though the product line is named after her. Tactical error #1, Teresa must have missed Ramona Singer’s Marketing 101 seminar at the Learning Annex, cute kids can pimp your sub-par product lines.
Teresa is getting her makeup done and Kim D. shows up to pre-party shit stir. Meanwhile, Melissa is with some of her other friends discussing how Jan stabbed her in the back by saying that Melissa had an affair with an ex. After all hair is done and makeup is heavily applied, they head off to the launch party and things are on and poppin’. The wicked witches are at the bar ready to attack. Kim D. calls Melissa over and wants to put things behind them. Jan walks up and it’s all sorts of awkward. Jan confronts Melissa and they get into it and Teresa just stands idly by, blinking. Then the crypt-keeper, Penny walks up to congratulate Teresa on her “hairline.” Ahem…I’ll give you a minute. Penny looks like she wobbled out of the Dolly Parton irregular wig factory. Penny admits someone was questioning her about Melissa’s past, but won’t give up her source. Teresa keeps interrupting and is more concerned about clearing her own name and blinking the hair tinsel out of her eyes. She prompts Penny to say 1,000 times that they are not friends. Penny obliges Teresa, but Melissa presses for more info. Penny’s lips are sealed, but her eyes tell a different story. This frail broad is hiding something and Melissa knows it has T-E-R-E-S-A written all over it. They go back and forth a bit more, declaring that BREAKING NEWS…Penny and Teresa are NOT FRIENDS!
Does someone have “Life & Style” on speed dial up in dis beyotch?!?!? I smell a cover story. Melissa tells the camera “someone must be pulling Penny’s leash”, as if she is an actual dog. They conclude the episode by staring at each other and blinking. IT’S A MOTHERF*CKIN’ BLINK OFF!