Pole Position

We return to our intellectual free fall with Teresa and Jacs at the unpopulated restaurant.  They are still hashing out their pre-school issue, while their hubby meatheads smoke and drink in the bar.  Teresa gives some canned bullshit about how they are going around in circles and they need to agree to be civil.  The ladies conclude their talk and then beeline for the bar to knock back a few.  Juicy seems to want to let bygones be bygones, I swear production must be slipping Xanax into his li’l bastard steroid juice packs.

Kathy and Jacs hit WOB Lingerie to try on fake butts and big ass bras.  Kathy needs to go to World of Blouses and find one that fits.  Damn, those buttons are hanging on for dear life.  Jacs is looking for some front loading pajamas so that she can rest in comfort after her tummy and neck tucks, which she plans to fly to L.A. to receive.

Joe arrives at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors to pick up G to the ia for a “date” at the go kart track.  Meanwhile, Milania has monkey climbed her way up the outside of the staircase and bazooka’ed a foam ball into the chandelier.  Teresa actually reacts quite calmly to the mass chaos and it’s good to see her having fun playing with the girls, even if it breaks her repo’ed chandelier.

Boyz II Manzos are “bro-ing out” with their buddy Greggy Bennett.  He is moving to L.A. for a new job.  Gregg affectionately calls their time together a “cancer hang” meaning, when people have cancer and then others want to hang out with them all the time.  Politically incorrect, but funny.

Joe and G to the ia race around in their respective go karts at Pole Position Raceway.  They sit down to enjoy a slice of pizza topped with brass tacks.  Joe asks if she has teenage, eye rolling disorder or if she is purposely distancing herself from him.  G to the ia consults her Hello Kitty diary to review the various feuds, let’s start with the Christening, shall we?  G to the ia straight up READS him.  It wasn’t the “time or the place”, “it was your son’s christening and it hurt Nonni and Poppi the most, not to mention everyone else, you weren’t raised to behave that way”.  DAYUM!  If G to the ia didn’t look exactly like her mother, I would swear she was adopted.  She is the only one in the family with any common sense or level headedness.  Joe tells her that he doesn’t just “jump off the handle for no reason, there are two sides to every story”.  G to the ia senses he is uncomfortable and he gives her the “I love you”, sweep it under the Persian rug, it’s all good speech.

Joe-Gia-Chat

Teresa is rounding up the troops to go to a Zumba charity event and everyone meets at the Goo-moo-flay Persian conversion house of crap.  Teresa’s younger daughters don’t remember any of the Wakile’s, not even Brass Knuckle Rosie.  Of course, the outing wouldn’t be complete without a party bus containing a stripper pole.  Once in the party bus, everyone starts knocking back some vino and reminiscing about all the names they have called each other.  Teresa asks Jacs to explain what “sociopath” means, and tells her to J.F.G.I (just f*ckin’ google it), but Tre does it one better, she asks Siri.  While Teresa’s brain short circuits and sizzles out, the other adults are all laughing about their atrocious behavior.  Leave it to Milania to shimmy her way up the pole and announce she is impersonating Melissa.

Everyone gives Zumba their best attempt despite being half in the bag.  Joe takes it easy for fear of sweating his hair off.  Teresa and Jacs are pooped and they sit down on the aerobic floor to bring up old wounds.  Teresa brings up the “sociopath” comment and Jacs reminds her that she called her “evil”.  The Zumba class is over ladies, stop throwing jabs.

Jacs-Tre-Hug

The gang arrives at the Brownstone to celebrate the departure of Greggy Bennett.  Caroline gives a speech and breaks down, Gregg opens a gift from the Manzo’s, which is a framed photo.  Gregg had taken a picture of some graffiti which read “take care of each other” and Caroline had it framed.  Jacs arrives just in time to steal his thunder and discuss her trip to L.A. to get her tummy tuck.  The rest of the gang doesn’t seem to give three wet farts and they quickly resume the “Greggy Bennett Cancer Hang.”

GreggyBennett

Jacs has arrived in Beverly Hills and A$$ley is waiting for her.  Of course, their relationship is better than ever and they are BFFLs.  We catch up with A$$lee and find out that she herself has had some work done is a blogger.  Okay, so anyway, Jacs reveals her problem areas and the doctor goes over all the risks.  He tells her to eat light and avoid alcohol, which she has no intention of doing.  She immediately goes out for Mexican food and starts shooting tequila.  A$$lee is actually being mature in front of the camera and refuses to drink and Jacs’ dad keeps talking about how petrified he is of the impending surgery.

The next day, Jacs’ dad and A$$lee (sporting a Kim Kardashian top knot) discuss how scared they are and the procedure is taking longer than expected.  We get to see the surgeon, hacking away and removing two fatty flaps of Jacs’ former stomach, one containing her wayward heart/flower tattoo from her Vegas days.  The two skin/fat flaps lay on the surgical, hazardous-waste table of death, like a metaphor for Jacs’ and Teresa’s friendship.

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