Tan Together, Die Alone

Melissa and the kids visit Joe at a construction site and she’s appalled at the mud because she has apparently never seen a construction site.  Melissa, think of it as your face before you get into your makeup chair.  You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet.  Anyhoo…the critical turning point of this opening scene is the call Joe receives from Sizzle Tans to be photographed for a billboard.  Joe discusses this important career move with Melissa and he wants her to join him, but she wisely decides to step aside from the “opportunity” (and we use that term loosely) because she doesn’t want to be accused yet again of copying her sissy in law, Teresa.  As we all forgot, Teresa was the former face of Sizzle Tans.  In case you missed it…


Meanwhile, Teresa is cooking family dinner while the girls help set the table.  Milania and G to the ia are rocking the side ponies in great anticipation of the reuniting of the cousins.  Milania is wielding the butter knives a bit too skillfully and she clues us in that she is never going to cook for a man, but he will cook for her.  Yes, Milania, yes he will…in PRISON!

Caroline, Jacs, and Melissa get together to dish about the retreat.  Melissa is a busy bee today.  She gives Jacs a heads up that everything is back on track now, so Jacs better follow suit.  Caroline tells Jacs about the drunken trust fall make up with Jacs deal she made with Teresa.  Jacs seems about as interested as she does in bleaching her asshole, but Caroline convinces her to take it to a level where they can at least be civil, they don’t have to be BFFL.

Melissa and Joe arrive at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors and of course the kids are all happy to see each other.  Melissa has a white bakery box, for the love of all that is good and decent, I hope it’s not sprinkle cookies!  Joe can’t believe how much G to the ia has grown, but she reminds him that he hasn’t seen her “in like a year!”  Way to make your uncle feel like donkey shit.  Melissa makes a stabby remark to Teresa in the kitchen and of course Teresa snipes back.  I can see these two are hitting it off like two wildebeests in a pillowcase.


Joe announces his Sizzle Tan billboard and Teresa doesn’t flip the table.  Melissa is gettin’ her drink on and she tells Teresa that she clued Jacs in on the promise Teresa made during the drunken trust fall make up session of bliss.  Teresa shows signs of drunken trust fall remorse and she deflects by doing some Jacs bashing.  Juicy puts the kibosh on Teresa and tells her to move on from this boring crap.  I reiterate from last week, when in the hell did the Mucinex slug become the voice of reason?

We visit the Wakile’s to find out that Kathy has a case of the sads.  She sits down with Brass Knuckle Rosie to clear up some comments made by Teresa last season about Kathy’s non-acceptance of Rosie.  They chat, Rosie tells her to ease up a bit about being non-approving of Rosie’s girlfriends and they move on.

Al and Caroline are hanging out in their Hoboken apartment and the Boyz II Manzos and Lauren arrive for a good ol’ fashioned family rumble.  Caroline launches into a lecture on the Boyz about being workaholics, especially Albie.  Al Sr. dives on Caroline like a hunk o’ provolone saying Albie “doesn’t wanna get his balls broke” for being motivated.  He frosts her cake with “Just shut the eff up!”  It’s like riding down a rainbow on a unicorn with these two.  Do we sense some marital tension brewing?

Melissa is in hair and makeup again getting ready to “Melissa-ize” her book cover shoot.  Meanwhile, her modest hubby is flexing his guns for Sizzle Tans.  We are treated to dueling scenes of Melissa dressed like an extra in a “Poison” video, demanding “more fan, more fan” while Joe flirts with the female model at Sizzle Tans, something about a filet mignon and a hot dog, a dirty dog…anyway, orange Joe does push-ups with the young lass on his sizzling, tan back.

Jacs is poking around at a toy store with her son CJ pretending to spend quality time with him and buy him toys.  She gets a call from Teresa, her “favorite friend”.  They agree to talk, but they must meet in a neutral, empty restaurant to hash it out.

Meanwhile, the Wakile’s go out to a gay bar to support Rosie in her attempt to find love.  Richie being his obnoxious self, asks if the bar is called the “Clam Hut”.  They walk inside and find out that they all need to select a wristband based on their status, Single, D.T.F., Taken, and It’s Complicated.  Melissa acts like she has never seen “Jersey Shore” and forgets that her husband dressed up like “Snooki” for Halloween.  She asks the hostess what D.T.F. stands for.  It’s certainly not you Melissa, this is D.T.F. …


The hostess gingerly explains the acronym and Joe is immediately on board with a D.T.F. wristband as Melissa gives him the death glare.  Rosie declares that she is definitely not D.T.F., she is not into bisexuals, and swingers need not apply.  Looks like Rosie’s checklist eliminates 75% of the clientele.  Richie finds some single ladies and Rosie chats up a nice woman named “Ellen”, and it is edited to make Rosie look like a drunken buffoon, something like “I’ve got a lot of things going on upstairs, I’m like AHHHH”, and the piece de resistance, “Fried green tomatoes with a slice of bacon on top…”  Ahh Rosie, you had her at “bacon”.

The Goo-boo-chay family is on the way to the mall and while Juicy is driving he preoccupies himself with G to the ia’s lip gloss level.  I am a little preoccupied by the fact that Juicy is driving, last we checked his license was revoked.  Anyhoo…those are just minor details.  The more pressing matter is passing by Uncle Joe’s Sizzle Tans billboard and of course Juicy has something to say about it.  In the Gorga vehicle, Melissa tells the kids to say “congratulations, daddy” about the billboard and Geno says “congratulations, stupid!”  Looks like he’s been hanging out in the garage kickboxing with uncle Juicy.


The Laurita’s and Goo-boo-chays come face to face in neutral territory.  The men go to the bar and the ladies sit in an empty dining room.  So away we go on the Hot Mess Express, first stop, rehash the Napa trip.  Teresa wants to harp on the cheating allegations and Jacs won’t go there.  Meanwhile the men’s convo goes like this “pissed off…shit happens…shady…f*ck off…I don’t remember…put it behind us…it’s all f*ckin’ water under the bridge now…cheers!”  If only it were that simple for the ladies.  Teresa calls Jacs “evil” a la Real Housewives of Orange County.  Jacs stares at her as if she wants to drown Teresa in a pool of shallow gravy.  To be continued…


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