Forgiveness on the Rocks

We pick up this “most dramatic season ever” with Joe and Teresa still conversing with the luscious Dr. V.  Teresa is about as broke down as her weave and she agrees to have Dr. V to fetch Melissa and bring her up to the padded room of fake forgiveness to hug it out.

An unsuspecting Melissa sits at the dining table and recounts her actions from the day before, and Caroline “I don’t own a mirror” Manzo tells Melissa that her begging and theatrics were too over the top.  NO SHIT.  Dr. V summons Melissa and as Rosie goes in for a high five, Melissa leaves her hanging.  NOT COOL!  Dr. V fills Melissa in on the progress Teresa and Joe have made during their alone time, and now it’s time to dig into the Melissa/Teresa issues like the bargain bin at Posche.  We are treated to a medley of the session highlighting every twit and tweet and Dr. V tells them to “get off the f*cking twitter!”  Best.  Advice.  Ever.

They discuss the rumors about Melissa and Dr. V gives Teresa a one two punch, “you know what Teresa, when you’re sitting with people and you hear something about somebody, and you don’t do anything, you’re a dumb ass, take responsibility!”  Go Dr. V!  The good Dr. finally coaxes a half-assed admission of wrongdoing out of Teresa.  Melissa agrees to put the big bag o’ crap aside and make up with Teresa.  Ever so appropriately, Teresa jumps up and says “I want a hug, bitch!”

Next, Dr. V poses the million-dollar question to Teresa, “where is your husband in all of this?”  In the Mucinex slug phlegm cave, Dr. V!  Teresa retrieves Juicy, who is ironically wearing a snot green sweater.  He gives a recount of the Joenado fista cuffs and he answers Dr. V’s questions in his slug like manner.  Dr. V’s patience wears as thin as Joe Gorga’s shoe polished hair and she says “please play along Joe, I need your help in this.”  Dr. V coaches Juicy on what to say to Joe, he offers a crappy apology and tells Joe to “get over it.”  Joe asks him to apologize to Melissa and Juicy tells him to “shut the f*ck up.”  Progress if I have ever seen it, said no one ever…

Meanwhile, the rest of the gang goes outside for some fresh air and contemplates ice fishing.  Dr. V hightails is outta there and Kathy is pissed because she wanted some cuddle time with the hot doctor.  Well, so did Rosie, and people in hell want ice water.

Sorry Kathy, Dr. V’s work here is DUNZO…

Dr.V

The gang is back at the dining table and Kathy offers Teresa an apology for the things said at the reunion.  Teresa gives a half-assed apology of her own, but it’s only a matter of time before Teresa goes off the rails again.  The boys and Rosie take off to find more liquor and go ice fishing because they are sick of sitting at that damn table.  The girls stay behind and decide to cook up a feast and Caroline indicates she has no intention of lifting a finger or putting on any makeup.

Back in Franklin Lakes, it’s the same ol’ shit with Jacs and Chris, Caroline gives Jacs a call to update her on the drama.  Jacs warns her about getting involved, but Caro insists that she is just there to make sure they don’t kill each other, but to “dredge the water” if she doesn’t return within 24 hours.

Back at the ice fishing expedition, the gang walks out on to the ice, good and liquored up.  Juicy and Joe start talking about the fight again and argue about who won.  They keep going at it, but Richie and Rosie are providing comic relief, something about Rosie’s vaginal grooming habits reminding Richie of Soul Train.  OY, a collective OY!

Back at the creepy castle of death, the ladies are cooking a ton of food and drinking a lot of booze.  Melissa is taking “just add vodka” a wee bit too seriously.  But hey, what’s a little family feuding without alcohol poisoning?

Melissa-drink

Jacs and Chris are out having “date night” and oh so appropriately, Chris tells Jacs that Joe had sex when he was 9.  Jacs adds that it might have been with Teresa and that’s where all these issues are stemming from.  Somewhere at the haunted castle of hell, a table flips.

Back at said castle, the gang treats us to a demonstration of pure nutbaggery by playing “Drunken Trust Fall”.  Rosie falls back into Richie’s arms and he catches her and then relentlessly grabs her breasts. 

Rosie-trustfall

Rosie offers to assist Melissa in catching Juicy and he flips back like a harpooned whale and they all go down like a sack of rancid mortadella.  Teresa wants to catch Caroline, but Caroline looks like she would rather eat her own vomit.  She relents, but only if Teresa promises she will do a trust fall one day with Jacs.  Teresa evades answering, but she finally agrees.  The trust fall game wraps up and Joe throws drunken Melissa over his shoulder to head upstairs.  I give you the montage of drunkenness…

Montage_of_drunkeness

Teresa and Juicy stay behind to chat and Juicy actually tells Teresa that they have to give Jacs and Chris a pass and make amends.  Teresa tries to argue and he shuts her down like a bad Ferris wheel.  Who woulda thunk it, the booze has activated the Mucinex slug’s sensitivity, he has turned into the voice of reason!  Teresa simultaneously goes into her howler monkey whining, her ugly cry, and her bear down poop face.  Any way you slice it, it’s a hideous look for her.  She argues about forgiving Jacs (foreshadowing), but Juicy encourages her to let it go.  It’s all puppies and bacon now, but something tells me they are all going to have a “forgiveness hangover” in the morning.

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