Italian Where it Counts

As the two Joenado continues to escalate, everyone gives their best shot at breaking them up, except Teresa!  Girlfriend has grabbed her Louis Vuitton and has high tailed it outta there, yelling “call the cops”.  Smart move abandoning your husband and brother to duke it out until one of them dies, after all Teresa wouldn’t want to break a nail, or heaven forbid have her weave be pulled and her hairline be restored to non-Frankenstein status.  When the gang finally pries apart the Joe sangwich, the accusations fly…He was biting my nutz, Teresa you didn’t help your brother, blah, blah, blah, wah, wah, wah!  One thing I noticed that would be a key detail later in the episode is that Melissa is a good little ringside assistant, she was bound and determined to get that hat back on Joe…which puzzled me at first, but is explained later.

Richie tries to calm Joe down and engulfs him in his white Ralph Lauren chunky knit sweater.  Meanwhile, Teresa and Juicy are packing their bags and Juicy has black crap all over him and cannot figure out what it is, but he thinks it might be makeup from Melissa’s raccoon eyes.  Back in the brawl room, Joe and Melissa are also covered in the same black, tarry, substance.  Throughout all of this, the team builders stare on, nonplussed.

Melissa and Joe retreat to their room where she delivers a rousing speech to her shirtless hubby.  “This is my family too, those three babies are mine too, I’m done, Sadam Hussein, that’s someone’s bro too, y’all, doesn’t mean that he’s a good person, come on Joe, how long you gonna take to put a shirt on?”  ALL DAY IF HE HAS TO!  Joe has a serious case of the sads, he can’t be fettered by a shirt.

Rosie gives her recount of the situation to Richie and Kathy.  Kathy comments that she was just worried about her nose job, but at least Kathy tried to break up the fight.  We go back to Joe and Melissa, who have met with the producers now don’t appear to be leaving.  Joe is laying in the bed giving his own rousing speech “when you hang with trash, you become trash.”  Hmm…that sounds like a Caroline Manzo-ism circa season one, “you hang around with trash, you start to stink.”  In this case, you hang with trash, you become covered with an unknown black, tarry, substance.

The Goo-boo-chays are digging their heels in, they aren’t leaving, let Melissa and Joe leave!  Ha, that will show them!  The Wakile camp wants to work it out as well, Rosie won’t have it.  There will be no giving up!  Richie charges into the Goo-hoo-flay’s room and tries to make Teresa see the nature of her wrongs, but he’s barking up the wrong tree.  Richie tries to boil it down for Teresa, she ultimately loves her brother.  Juicy says he has no beef with Joe either, Rosie says “just scare him out then!”  Teresa corrects her, “just hear him out.”  Oh mother of all that is descent and holy, I never thought I would see the day Teresa is correcting someone.  Could it be a sign of change?  Maybe she got hit on the head while the little fists of Joe fury were flying and it knocked the crazy loose?

Teresa wanders in to Joe’s room and asks him to talk, but Melissa won’t allow it.  Joe keeps breaking down crying.  Meanwhile, the team builders work their way upstairs to give a wellness check.  The team builder finds the positive, they all have a tremendous amount of passion, which is their Achilles Heel, but it will also pull them through this fiasco.  The team builder recommends they all sleep on it, however, Teresa and Juicy decide to bathe on it and they cram themselves into the little bath tub to soak off the scum and black shit have a romantic night alone.  They actually allow room service come into the bathroom, where they are naked, and serve them champagne.  The poor waiter pours the champagne and then flees the scene to go scrub his eyes out with bleach.  Teresa tells us that she is looking forward to “sexy time…brown chica, brown chown.”  There is not a modesty bar big enough to save me now.


Joe, Melissa, Richie, and Kathy sit down for dinner.  Richie is annoyed that he has black crap all over his Ralph Lauren sweater.  Joe finally admits to the camera that he uses black hairspray to make his hair look thicker.  That explains why Melissa rushed over to him to put his hat back on him during the fight.  Hmmmm…hair in a can?  Do I smell an endorsement deal?


The next day, Richie and Kathy wake up and hit the mimosas.  Rosie wanders in with her own drink lookin’ like she just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  Give her time, Brass Knuckle Rosie will be ready after four or five drinks.  Meanwhile, Teresa rolls out of bed as Juicy announces he is going rub one, or two, or three, or four more out.  Ugggh, I’ll give you a moment to spit the vomit out of your mouth.  Teresa calls Caroline and says she needs her help getting through to Joe.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Caroline feels that since Teresa called for reinforcements, it must be bad and she must be scurred.  Caro is going to board the party bus to the wicked castle of hell.

In a Bravo crossover, Dr. V. from L.A. Shrinks, arrives at the castle of hell and Teresa asks her if she is Italian, to which Dr. V. responds “don’t let the blonde hair fool you, I’m Italian where it matters, my vagina.”  So I guess that makes her 1/16th Italian?  Teresa laughs nervously and explains how crazy her family is.  Dr. V. and Teresa start talking and right away Dr. V. is trying to get Teresa to look at herself and Teresa would rather eat her own earwax than admit she did anything wrong.  Kathy brings Dr. V. in to meet Melissa and Joe.  Melissa gives the good Dr. a bit of her story and clams up when Teresa joins them.  They all start talking over one another and it spirals out of control.  Dr. V. takes each person aside individually and she starts with Joe.  Sidebar:  Joe is wearing a “Poison” tee-shirt.  Joe covers several topics about his sisters’ general disgustingness.  Dr. V. elaborates on how Teresa had to love and care for him growing up and now she despises his mate because nobody is good enough for him and she doesn’t trust Joe’s decision making abilities.  Joe is at the wall and he doesn’t want to make it work anymore.  Dr. V. brings Teresa back so Joe can tell her how he feels.  While they talk it out, Caroline arrives to “walk back into the crazy.”  While Caro and Rosie chuckle about the traumatization of the team builders, Joe and Teresa continue to talk calmly with Dr. V’s vajayjay.

Dr. V. sees a positive exchange between the siblings and encourages them not to call it quits, but to spend more time alone together and keep working.  Teresa starts to break down hysterically and Joe gives her a hug and a kiss and they sob in each other’s arms. 


Next week, more intense psychological work and Rosie looking scared shitless on an ice fishing expedition with the two Joes.

One thought on “Italian Where it Counts

  1. Pingback: Front Pedaling Fracas | realityweecap

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