You’re Nobody Till Scumbody Loves You

We begin this week with a sampling of Melissa’s new money making venture, “Twerkin’ for Tots”.  She is teaching her kids her ol’ stripper moves before they leave for the retreat.  Perfect timing, now they can perform their newly learned tricks for Nana, who will be babysitting.  Melissa’s children are more interested in helping her pack, they include a picture of Jesus, the Bible, and a stuffed unicorn.  Because everybody knows you need a stuffed unicorn when you enter the seventh circle of hell.

At the goo-boo-chay household, Teresa is packing and Milania is running amuck.  Tre asks if she had breakfast and she says “I ate a hundred twizzlers!”  In a rare moment, we see Juicy play “the monster” with the girls and they have legitimate fun with their father for about twelve seconds.

Kathy and Richie are all packed up as well and Kathy is ready to get things resolved “or die trying”.  Richie wants to make sure there is enough booze for this trip, because nothing resolves idiots in conflict faster than copious amounts of alcohol.

Everyone is boarding a party bus because nothing aids in family healing more than a mobile stripper pole and a neon dance floor.  The gang trash talks Teresa and Juicy’s marriage.  Melissa whispers “he’s an asshole and a cheater and he doesn’t give a shit about what his wife does.”  Way to go…keepin’ those comments on the down low.  Juicy and Teresa drive to the castle separately and of course, trash talk Joe and Melissa.  Juicy contends that Joe tans too much and it’s “sizzling his brain”.

Meanwhile, the Manzo’s are off to have some real fun.  Albert takes Caroline to Paterson Falls and they reminisce about Albert’s father riding across the bridge on his motorcycle.  Albert wants Caroline to walk over the bridge in honor of his father.  She is freaked out, but reluctantly does so.  They have a serious talk about Albert retiring, although he isn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet, he does assure Caro that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  BOR-ANG!

At the Laurita’s, Santino the dog is shitting on the deck and Jacs has consulted with her pet psychologist and they think it’s due to all the attention they shower on Nicholas.  Chris grabs a quick snack and heads back to work.  At this point, I really don’t understand what the Laurita’s are doing on this show other than collecting Jacs’ paycheck.

The party bus arrives at the castle and they all deliver their obligatory cheerful greetings and salutations.  The two Joes don’t even acknowledge each other.  Teresa seems astounded that the Manzo’s and the Laurita’s are a no show.  Kathy explains that they are attending to their own family issues, like having peace and quiet.  Teresa immediately starts harping about Jacs’ recent tweet and won’t let it go.  Melissa tries to ground the crazy Teresa plane and remind her they are there to discuss their own drama with the persons present.

Each couple sits in their respective castle rooms discussing strategies on how to handle Teresa.  Richie comes up with a good point, Teresa automatically assumed Jacs was tweeting about her when she spoke of “dealing with a moron”, when in fact Teresa is not the only moron in this world.  Well played Richie, well played.

Melissa feels immediately on edge because of the way Teresa attacked the group about Jacs’ tweet right out of the gate.  In the Goo-whoo-say room, Juicy starts bashing on Autism and how the Laurita’s use Nicholas as an excuse.  He says a lot of people have Autism, how bad can it be, some of them turn out to be scientists…BAD MOVE JUICE MAN.  He quickly back peddles and says “I’m not a doctor, so what do I know…”  No you are not a doctor, you are the Mucinex slug.

The crew sits down for lunch and the main dish is awkward with a side of tension.  Rosie and Richie break the ice and talk about the “team builders” who will be arriving and they will all be working with Dr. V. from L.A. Shrinks.  Dr. V. is her own brand of cray cray and I cannot wait to see her get a load of this train wreck.  Teresa and Melissa start going back and forth and Teresa keeps claiming that she and Joe don’t fight.  Melissa mentions the water throwing incident at the gym and Rosie puts the kibosh on it, “guys, wait for the team builders!”  Richie pulls Joe away for a drink in the bar.  Back at the table, Juicy talks to the women about his farting habits.

The “team builders”, Stephanie and Steve, arrive to start reconstructing this hovel they call a fambly.  Steve looks like a young Ron Howard and Stephanie looks like she should be breaking Amish.  Melissa says that “Opie and Little Miss Sunshine” don’t appear to be equipped to handle them.  The gang assembles in the ballroom and the team builders can’t remember all their names, “when in doubt, Joe” quips Stephanie.

The first exercise is the team building rope circle of death.  Each person has to stand on a colored square within the rope circle of death and then they step back out without touching the ground.  Each time, a colored square is removed and they will have to stand closer together and work together to keep everyone from touching the ground.  What kind of sick, hokey, rope-a-dope, circle of death, “Twister” type, rip off game is this?  Juicy seems to think he needs to reapply his deodorant and Richie says “I thought I smelled scallions.”  Thank God I am not watching in smell-o-vision.


The group discusses trust and loyalty, Teresa and Joe claim they are both loyal to each other.  Teresa keeps going back to Jacs and the team builder asks the others what they think.  The discussion quickly escalates over Jacs.  The team builder tries to get control over the situation, but they ignore him. 


Joe suggests “build a f*ckin’ bridge” and Teresa is furious.  Juicy pulls Rosie out of the room to go knock back some scotch and argue about sizzle brain.  Teresa and Melissa are going at it over the Posche fashion show and the team builders keep trying to grab onto this running chainsaw.  Teresa keeps screaming something about Melissa needing to prove something and Melissa says all she is there to do is to beg her to “stop hurting us!”  Melissa throws herself on her knees at Teresa’s feet and tells her that all her pride is gone and she is just asking them to stop. 


Teresa keeps at her and Melissa jumps up, twirls, snaps, and calls her “poison”.  The Maury Povich security team rushes the team builders into the panic bunker.  Teresa tells Joe “get balls, be a man, stick with your blood.”  Joe replies “I’m not stickin’ with scum like you”.  OH SNAP!  Teresa storms out and tells Juicy that sizzle brain called her scum.  Juicy storms into the ballroom and before he can think about pummeling him, sizzle brain rushes at him like a savage ground squirrel and they brawl.  Everyone is trying to break them up and Teresa takes off running.  Fade to black…until next week.




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