A Real Cramp in the Dick

Melissa is still working on her book and she explains it to Antonia as if the kid gives three wet farts.  Meanwhile, Man Gorga arrives home from the gym while editing has placed sound bites of him spewing expletives over the scene of him pulling into the driveway.  Joe tells Melissa he had “a rough afternoon”.  As he describes the Teresa run in at the gym, he snaps a rubber band around his skull.  Probably because the snap of the rubber band is less painful than dealing with his sibling. 


He confronts his cherished wife about the twitter comment regarding Teresa, and Melissa cops to the negative twat.  Joe is floored that she actually stooped to Teresa’s level of lowness and he gives her a scolding and there will be no twatting for a week!  Maybe Melissa can start writing that book of hers instead…

The Goo-boo-chay clan arrives at the Sports Shack to play soccer.  Milania steals the scene again with her antics on the field.  Her version of playing soccer is to give everyone on the field the side-eye and rant her one-liners into the air.  Teresa fills in her Jusband on the gym throw down and Juicy says Joe has “that Napoleon syndrome”, Tre thinks he means “bipolar”, but leave it to Juice man to break down history and school her on Napoleon.  Juicy then says that Melissa “straps one on and sticks it in [Joe’s] his ass”.  Teresa is a bit embarrassed as onlookers scoff at Juicy’s distasteful language at a children’s soccer practice.

Jacs, Caroline, and Kathy arrive at a Benefit store for some grooming and bonding. Of course, Teresa calls Caroline right at that moment to talk shit about Joe.  Caroline suggests “professional help” and Teresa thinks they need “holistic healing, like the whole meditation thing.”  Yea, can someone get Deepak Chopra up in dis’ beyotch, STAT?  Watching Rosie receive grooming services makes this whole scene worthwhile.  She looks like a surly fisherman getting his eyebrows plucked.  Without missing a beat, Caro reports back to the group about what Teresa said on the phone, I swear, is nothing sacred with this group?  Rosie is sick of “having to fly off the handle”, well hang on to your strap on Rosie, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

At the house of boring, Richie whips out Kathy’s high speed mixer in an attempt to mix business with pleasure.  Richie has taken it upon himself to order three tons of ugly, plain, white corrugated boxes in which to ship his wife’s precious cannoli.  Kathy pissed, Richie show Kathy how consumer destroy pretty, expensive box.  It’s all about the bottom line and Kathy is feeling the heat in her own kitchen.  Richie’s ugly box SNAFU is stressing her out, but he promises her after the cannoli sells, “pretty box will come.”

Over in Hoboken, Caroline is cooking a feast for her children and the Boyz II Manzos discuss their dating lives and how girls are not okay with being ignored due to their busy schedules.  Albie concludes he wants someone spectacular that he sees once a week instead of mediocrity seven days a week.  Christopher thinks his parents barely know each other and Caro goes on defense, “it’s not quantity, it’s quality.”  Christopher professes he doesn’t want kids, at least no girls anyway.  Girls are a hassle,  he has to keep them alive until age 10 and then from age 10 to 25 he has to keep his baby off da’ pole.  It’s too much pressure.  Lauren chimes in noting that her parents were lucky because she was fat during her “whore years”.  While it’s nice to see Lauren able to joke with her misogynistic, piggy brothers, it’s a bit sad.

In what is probably the most precious scene ever, Joe and Rosie are at a little bar talking about their day over a drink.  Joe is depressed, he wants to change the subject so Rosie says “let’s talk about girls!”  They laugh and Rosie reveals she hasn’t had sex in seven years so that’s why she gets “all grrrrrrrrrr!”  So what’s Joe’s problem???  They discuss Teresa and Rosie encourages Joe to start off positive, but he refuses to baby his irrational skank sister.  As Rosie continues the line of conversation, Joe grasps at his skull nervously, where is that RUBBER BAND???  Rosie the mediator offers to step in and call Tre to straighten her ass out.

Albert is finally at the Hoboken apartment and he cannot believe how low the flame on the stove is, line of the night…“this is gonna be a real cramp in the dick.”  The kitchen will just not do!  Caroline fills him in about their children, which is a perfect segue to visit Lauren at her tragically named business, Cafface.  Lauren isn’t sure she is ready to marry Vito, she wants to focus on her career, but the Boyz II Manzos sit at the makeup counter and tell her to “sew her wild oats” to which Lauren says “I don’t want to soil anything”.  Back at the Hoboken hovel, Caro continues to regurgitate the minutia that is her life, the kids just want to work, work, work, and she says Albert has created monsters.  At that moment, he sets off the smoke alarm and Albert continues to express his discontent with the Hoboken apartment, while Caro loves it.  Hmm…where there’s smoke, there’s fire.  Could trouble be brewing for the Mama Manzo and her man?

Richie surprises Kathy by taking her to a commercial kitchen that he has rented for her.  She looks around in amazement, but says they will “talk more about it at home”.  Translation = he didn’t consult her and now she is one pissed pastry maker.  Richie is confused by her reaction, he can’t win.  Looks like the mounting tension between these two is the only storyline they will have this season.

Teresa is hunting and pecking at her keyboard to prove she writes her own blog.  She says there is a saying “when you throw dust, dust comes back in, don’t throw stones, whatever.”  Rosie calls and wants to “iron shit out”, not to be confused with “cut your effing tongue out”.

Melissa’s mother and sister arrive with some photos for the “book”.  Apparently, Melissa is publishing a picture book called “See Daddy Cheat”.  Melissa discusses her father’s infidelity issues with her family and reveals that she will get into the details and she actually “wrote a paragraph” (ahem, a whole paragraph) about her father and how he liked to party and disappear for days.  Her mother agrees that he was probably with other women during those times (ya’ think???), and she tells Melissa to do what she has to do.

Rosie and Teresa finally meet for their sit down, which is what we have been waiting for this entire, excruciating hour.  Teresa asks for a Cabernet, but Rosie gets her a martini.  Brass Knuckle Rosie gets right down to brass tacks, she starts to lose her shiz more and more with each swig of her scotch.  Rosie starts screaming at Teresa for always blaming Kathy for everything. 


Rosie is banging the table, Teresa tells the audience that Rosie should “drink some water, sober down a bit.”  How exactly does one sober down?  Teresa then loses her shiz and goes into her howler monkey voice.  Rosie is yelling about lifting each other up instead of bringin’ each other down, “lift each other up”, she shouts as she dumps her scotch into her iPhone.  I am waiting for Josh Groban to emerge and sing “Raise Me Up”…but that would be too “scripty”.  Sidebar:  I could watch an entire spin off show of Rosie ranting and punching tables, “Rosie, Pissed, Soused, and Over It” coming this fall.


Teresa orders another round, as if they need it.  Teresa tells Rosie about the gym confrontation, but Rosie doesn’t get it, they should be able to yell, lose their shiz, and be done wit’ it! 


Teresa tells her about this “stress relief telestic healing” and immediately Rosie’s tone softens.  Nothing like a made up word to firm your resolve and quell any misgivings.  They decide to make it a contractually obligated holistic healing weekend for the whole gang, sponsored by Bravo!  They blow the “popsicle stand” and hug it out in the parking lot.


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