Feel the Burn

Impish music plays over the opening scene, which must mean we are in for something good and mischievous.  Yes, audience, it’s Melissa without her nose contouring makeup!  Excuse me while I shove my toothbrush up my nostril and try to scrub the image from my brain.

Melissa is rustling up some pancakes for her family and Joe enters the kitchen in his flu induced fog looking like he just rolled off of Willy Nelson’s tour bus.  He sets his eyes on a rather tall stack of pancakes, wondering if they will come shooting out of his ass.  Melissa gives him the lowdown on the birthday party and the “interrogization”.  Meanwhile, at the Goo-doo-chay household, Teresa cries to her Jusband (Juicy + Husband) about how awful Melissa is for not visiting her father in the hospital soon enough and then lying about it.  Both couples use their fingers to try and quantify Melissa’s visiting delay total.  It’s all too much math for them to handle.


At the Wakile’s, they are beyond pancakes and they are drinkin’ and cookin’ away.  Rosie likes to “get a little drink in her”, so they all hammer back a scotch and discuss birthday plans for Victoria and Richie.  Rosie is down fo’ what-eva, but she will not be breaking Amish.  She wants to smoke a ciggy and drink some moonshine.  The dilemma is that Victoria is only 19 and Richie is 49, so Kathy will pick some restaurant that needs some free publicity.


Speaking of restaurants that need free publicity…Caroline and Albert stop by “Little Town, NJ”, a new restaurant that the Boyz II Manzos are opening in Hoboken.  BLK “fulvic acid water” apparently isn’t turning out the coin they had hoped (don’t understand why), so what the hell, let’s open a restaurant because that’s so easy.  Albert critiques some type of cheezy corn fritter and suggests investing in a cookie cutter and serving grilled cheese circles, it will be a home run!  Sure Albert, if your patrons are 5 years old or hammered.  Caroline is not convinced that the Boyz II Manzos are going to have the kind of time needed to dedicate to the flailing BLK water of death and this new venture, but the Boyz think busy is good and look forward to “restaurant stress”.  Translation = Little Town will be sold to the highest bidder or belly up in a year.

Melissa is meeting with her book publishers while they give her a verbal ass kicking about not having seen any pages from her.  Joe sums up the gist of the book “KY Jelly sex and cat woman costumes respect”, but the publisher wants to dig deeper.  He asks Melissa about her father and she touches upon her trust issues due to the fact that “he was a great provider, but he would run out for milk and not return for days”.  Apparently he was not a great provider of his time and attention and the publishers encourage her to explore those issues, thinking it will give the book “a lot of heart”.

Jacs gets a visit from her trainer, Jolene, but Jacs doesn’t want to work out anything but her yapper.  Jolene convinces her to do one squat while Jacs’ puppy, Santino, sleeps on the treadmill.  Jacs tells Jolene about being accused of stalking Teresa at the gym.  Jolene makes a face and tries to get Jacs to do some triceps while she bitches.

Teresa and her mother in law, Filomena, arrive at the Paradise nail salon to have a mani and pedi.  Filomena actually gives Teresa some good advice about resolving things with Joe, “think of your parents and don’t put the kids in the middle.”  Teresa is deft to disregard and change the subject to trash Melissa and her “sexy marriage” book deal.  Filomena is equally as deft to jump on the Melissa bashing bandwagon and basically calls her a prostitution whooo-ahhh.

Back at the Gorga’s, Gino is yelling like a nut and Melissa is “working” on her book.  She selects some pictures for the book and of course she finds an old birthday card from her father that he gave her four days before he died.  Melissa reads it tearfully and says it’s almost like her father knew he was going to hit a tree and die.

Kathy has rented a careening party bus for the fambly (yes, you read that right) birthday celebration so that the gang can imbibe heavily.  A the destination, Joe Gorga is scoping out girls for young Joseph Wakile.  Meanwhile, the hens converge to get the scoop from Melissa.  Melissa asks Caro for feedback and the bomb is dropped, Caro states that neither Teresa or Melissa can converge and be civil.  Melissa begs to differ and presses for more details from the HO-HO-KUS caucus.  Caroline gives more advice that she pulled out of her ass, Teresa is not capable of having a relationship with either Melissa or Joe.  There, she said it.  Not one to let her gasoline and matches go to waste, Caroline reveals to Kathy that Teresa actually did not accept her apology from the reunion show.


Kathy and Richie have a drunken heart to heart and Kathy has a severe case of the “f*ck its”, Rosie joins in on the fun and reinforces the “f*ck its”, complete with shouting, and a choice hand gesture.  Jacs tries to usher Rosie out of the center of the party, but the scotch has made Rosie surly.  She is takin’ names and crackin’ skulls.  Victoria asks everyone to stop talking about the bullshit and Kathy is upset that Teresa is still putting a damper on the party even though she isn’t there.


The next day, while everyone is hung over, Teresa is working out with a trainer named Nicole, who sounds like a man.  Joe walks into the gym and starts bench pressing, not only do we learn that he is a grunter, but he is a screamer.  Note to Joe:  if you have to scream when you lift it, it’s too heavy.  Working out does not merit your “bear down poop face”.  Teresa saunters over and jovially offers to spot him, but looking up at her crotch, wrapped tightly in spandex, Joe doesn’t trust her. 


Teresa does her usual squeaky voice, pretend like nothing is wrong routine and Joe starts talking about how he needs to work out due to the mental stress she has caused him.  Teresa keeps digging her hole deeper and she insults Melissa.  Here is the quick recap of their argument:  pussy whipped, not pussy whipped, your kids, my kids, toxic environment, lip syncs, you cook, parents cook, uncalled for, you can’t cook, are you f*cking kidding me, my wife, you have facade in your head, I sick need help, you somethin’, wife is a pig, slut, whore, stripper, never said words, you let husband say that, I don’t call my wife a “C – U – Next – Tuesday”, how dare you, he didn’t call me that to my face, on phone with friend, she is angel from God, love her, love my children, how does Jusband treat your kids, you don’t wanna get involved, “it” not even a man, I call him “it”, done with you!  At that moment, Teresa pulls a She by Shereé and throws her bottle of water on Joe. 


They continue to shout at each other as she storms away and assaults an innocent garbage can.  Joe gets line of the night and the last word “go cook, go cook a book!”  Pun intended, I am sure.


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