Cautiously Opportunistic

We begin this week with Teresa dressed like a Mexican wrestler, pretending to work out with her trainer Linda.  The only work out they get is on their jaws because they are yakking and discussing G to the Ia’s upcoming 12th birthday party, which will be a risqué co-ed affair.  Teresa invited her brother Joe and she tells us she is “cautiously optimistic”.

Teresa-Gym

Teresa reveals the she asked Juicy to speak to G to the Ia about the birds and the bees.  She says of her daughter, “When she gets old enough, I am taking her to the doctor and if she’s not a virgin, I am disowning her.”  Teresa is well on her way to winning mother of the year.  Juicy Joe decides to deliver the talk to his daughter over ice cream.  G to the Ia orders a cup of “Virginal Vanilla”, while Juicy settles on “Chastity Cherry Cheesecake”.  He lectures her about spending more time with her family rather than her friends.  Way to lead by example, Juicy the “Family Man”.  G to the Ia expresses her discontent with her sibling, Milania and the fact that she made a comment about her “hairy grill”.  Juicy Joe can’t figure this one out, and frankly neither can I, but I can make an educated guess.  Get that girl to the waxing station, STAT.  He changes the subject to boys and warns her that boys are going to want things, kisses, and “dis and dat”.  Bottom line, you don’t give boys anything they want.  G to the Ia also assures her dad that she won’t pick up smoking, so on and so forth.  Good talk, Juice Man, good talk.  He is signed up for a webinar next week called “Keep Yo’ Baby off Da’ Pole”.

At the Laurita’s, they are setting up a hyperbaric chamber bed for Nicholas to help with his Autism.  It should work wonders, after all Michael Jackson had one and look how he turned out, he loved children.  OY!  As Joe watches Jacs climb into the Ziploc bed with the boy, he realizes how blessed he is and that his feuding with Teresa is petty.  Although he has no plans to actually do anything about it.

Caroline reviews the HO-HO-KUS Caucus with Joe, but she leaves out the part about Teresa expecting an apology from him, which is a vital fact she may regret keeping to herself.  Joe is sent off to slaughter thinking Teresa is going to accept him without a catch.

Meanwhile, Rosie has taken Joseph out in Richie’s Ferrari “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” style.  It’s painfully evident that Joseph can’t drive and the rain and Rosie barking commands from the passenger seat are not helping.  When they finally arrive home, Kathy and Richie see them and are ready to kill the bot of ‘em.  Kathy looks like she fell ass backwards into the $1.00 bin at Goodwill.  Rosie “the cool aunt” takes the heat for Joseph and Richie totally changes his tune, undermining his wife.  Then to add insult to injury, he calls her “Crocodile Dundee” because of her floppy hat.

Ferrari

Teresa gets a call from her mom and finds out that her dad is in the hospital with pneumonia.  Meanwhile, Joe Gorga is so sick, he ate some soup and “it came right out of his ass.”  I think he made that up so he can skip the birthday party for G to the Ia.

We are treated to dueling scenes of Melissa and Kathy attempting to work out and across town, Teresa and Kim D. are meeting for coffee.  Then Jacs shows up to meet Kathy and Melissa, but she is not dressed for the gym because she has a fear of working out in public and she is late because she has a fear of driving.  Hmmm…who is the hyperbaric chamber really for, Jacs?  However, Jacs has no fear of scoffing at Linda, Teresa’s trainer and newest puppet.  Sure enough, Linda calls Teresa immediately and starts trashing Jacs and Kathy, saying how fat they are.  And we can’t leave Melissa out, how dare she be at the gym maintaining her perfect body while her father in law is dying in the hospital.  Yet it’s okay for Teresa to sit around and drink coffee with crypt keeper, bottom feeder Kim D.  With friends like that, who needs logic?

Christopher and Caroline Manzo arrive at home to find Caro’s sister Frannie outside with Juicy Joe Moo Shu the potbellied pig.  Frannie is an animal lover and takes them in, all shapes and sizes.  Caro configures a plan to lure Albert to the Hoboken apartment so he doesn’t find out that there is a pig living in his guest bedroom and miniature dogs urinating in his living room.

Teresa takes her girls to the salon for haircuts and Teresa and G to the Ia get into it over Joe not coming to the party.  G to the Ia pretends she doesn’t care, but she is obviously upset.  Teresa teases G to the Ia about the necklace she got from her “biffel”  (BFFL – best friend for life).  Milania says of the BFFL, “Christopher is a little wimp, I’m into older men.”  A kid after my own heart.

Melissa gets the kids ready to go to the birthday party, but Joe is still sick he needs to put a plug in his ass.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  I’m not sure if he has explosive diarrhea of the ass variety or if it’s just his mouth.  From under his leopard print throw, Joe shouts through the thick mist of hairspray “Don’t take any shit from anyone!”

It’s not all puppies and bacon at the birthday party, the cake looks like someone threw up on a gay pride flag and the name on the cake is “Gianna” instead of G to the Ia.  Teresa is embarrassing the shit out of her daughter.  G to the Ia does some quick thinking and tells her mother that there is free body glitter in the adult lounge at the Space Odyssey Battle Zone.  Teresa and Kim D. start bashing Melissa because she didn’t visit her father in law at the hospital soon enough for Teresa’s taste.  Melissa arrives and the crypt keeper starts “interrogizing” her immediately.  Joe has been sick, Melissa taking care of kids, working out, smoothies… blah blah blah.  Kim D. is up to her usual scumfuckery and she gets up in Melissa’s hairy grill. 

Melissa-KimD

Teresa contends that Melissa is lying.  Melissa decides the whole scene is “gross” and she leaves the party and calls it a day.

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