HO-HO-KUS Caucus

We pick up this week at the Joo-duh-chay house of screams.  The girls are all fighting while making dinner and Teresa makes a lame ass attempt at parenting.  She tells the girls that if their grandfather was there he would be yelling at them.  Milania ain’t buyin’ it “no he would’t, he’s a nice little fella!”  Ha.  Ha.  Love.  That.  Kid.  Milania mocks Teresa the entire time she is lecturing them.  Teresa has the girls make cards for their “Nono” (grandpa) because he is having a pace maker installed.  Teresa emphasizes the severity of the sitch… “if his heart stops beating…”, and before Teresa can sugar coat it with her old timey talk, Milania busts out the straight dope, “HE DIES!”  G to the Ia is not amused by her younger sister and threatens to cut a bitch if she says that again.

Meanwhile, at the Gorga home of “Mom always said don’t play ball in the house”, Joe throws a football at his toddlers face and then tells him to never cry, never in the history of ever!  Melissa is whining that her overpriced re-done home has not sold.  Their realtor explains that $3.8 million is a hefty chunk o’ mortadella.  Melissa tells us that every week she goes to church and prays to God that her house will sell.  Sorry Melissa, on Sunday nights, God is too busy trying to keep up with those Kar-damn-dashians!

The Manzo mans is all a twitter with family bitchery.  Caroline sits down with Albert for coffee and Lauren snarls because Caro didn’t bring her any.  “Ever since she lost her weight, she is a rip roarin’ bitch” Caro says of her daughter.  Of course she’s a bitch, she’s HON-GRAY!  Get the girl an orange Fanta and some Funions!  In an interesting turn of events, Caroline’s sister, Fran, enters the scene with her dog Frito.  Frito smells like Frito’s and he is making Lauren more HON-GRAY!  Fran has been co-habitaing with the Manzo clan since her divorce.  Caroline kicks Fran and Frito out of the kitchen so she can set up her scene for this episode, she tells Albert she is going to call a summit with Teresa to mediate the sibling fight.

At the Wakilie’s place, young Joseph is learning to drive.  Kathy lectures him about back seat nuisances as Richie is smacking Joseph in the head from the back seat and making inappropriate jokes.  Later, Kathy and Richie drop by to visit Victoria at college.  Richie makes a crack about her friends taking full advantage of the meal plan.  They take a tour of one of the nursing classrooms and Richie fondles the nursing dummies.  I’ve grown tired of these two.


Teresa has dug up that ramshackle disaster known as Kim D. and they are in the parking lot at the hospital where Teresa’s father was staying.  What a co-wink-e-dink, at that moment Teresa receives the text from Caroline asking to meet and discuss.  I can see it now…Caroline Manzo at the Learning Annex… “Let Me Tell You Something, Life Coaching for Idiots”.

Lauren does Caroline’s makeup in prep for the big caucus.  They discuss the Goo-boo-chay children being raised by wolves and why would the Gorga’s want to subject their angelic children to that?  Meanwhile, at the Boo-hoo-chays, Juicy Joe is looking at some papers with a magnifying glass and Teresa is on her way out the door to meet with the matriarch.  Teresa tells a rather disgusting story about why her brother fell for Melissa, something about putting menstrual blood in his wine.  Ucck…She makes about as much sense as Paula Abdul after an entire box of Menstrual Merlot.

The Gorga’s welcome some prospective buyers for an open house and Melissa thinks that having the boys fighting on the couch is a good selling point because it reeks of family.  It reeks all right…one of the buyers looking at the home is a friend of Teresa’s.  They rip apart the bathroom and the fake marble sink and the realtor gives Melissa a reality check, if they get an offer for $3.8 million they should take it and run.

Caro and Teresa meet in a private room at the HO-HO-KUS Inn and Tavern.  Teresa walks in and they start out with smiles, but Caro cuts to the chase.  Teresa is not having any of it and Caro gives her an “A” for her deft deflecting effort.

Back at the Laurita’s, they are hosting a party for the rest of the gang.  Rosie and the guys retire to the man-cave for some poker, while the ladies stay upstairs and gossip about the people who came to look at Melissa’s house.  They guys have more pressing concerns such as; is Rosie a boob or an ass girl, has she ever been with a man, and does she get into strap ons?  Answers:  Boob, Gold Star Lesbian, and Awwww HELL to the NO!


In a nice moment, Nicholas is able to say “I love you” to Jacs via coaching from Chris.  Everyone takes in a healthy dose of perspective.  Back at the HO-HO-KUS Caucus, Caro is still coaching Teresa, Caro throws up some crazy fingers, she throws out the dying dad card, oh Manzohnoshedin’nt…


Teresa finally concedes to meet Joe half-way.  Caro will carry the message back to Joe and the ladies part weaves.  Caro feels somewhat accomplished, but she needs an effing drink.  That’s what a long day of meddling will do to you!

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