Can all the king’s horses, all the king’s men, and hurricane Sandy put these nutbags together again? The short answer is “No”, the long answer is “Hell to the NO!”
We revisit the damage caused by Hurricane Sandy and several of the ladies have sustained damage at their shore homes. As Teresa and Juicy Joe survey the damage, Tre notes that she “definitely woulda drownded”. Ahh…Teresa, you don’t disappoint with your bottomless bat shit crazy bag of stupidity.
Juicy on the other hand is excited about the hurricane because it will stimulate the economy and now he will have some work to do, seeing as he “hasn’t done shit in a while”. We must cut the Juice man some slack, it’s hard to hold down a full time job when you are busy falsifying your identity, embezzling, racketeering, indecent exposing, drunken driving, weapon carrying, kick boxing, pizza delivering, pants crapping, and whatever the hell else that fat salami does with his time. Trying to stay out of jail is a full time job in itself! Of course, Teresa has to remind us how wonderful her marriage is and her brother Joe is still in the dog house. If she and Juicy haven’t gotten divorced by now, well then they are solid. Good theory. Since Tre and her bro haven’t spoken since he texted “you’re dead to me”, Tre must be in the right in this family feud. Another solid theory that will keep her locked in her own personal pit of hell for all eternity.
Back at the Joo-DUH-Chay Mans, the girls are gathering items to give away to the people who lost everything. Because nothing cheers up the down and out like some glitter glue and a leopard print monokini. Milania is older now, her command of the English slanguage is expanding, and she has an extra dash o’ sass. She presses Teresa about seeing her cousins and Teresa gives her a load of shit. Milania reads her like a used TV guide and asks “don’t you miss your brother?”
Meanwhile at the Laurita household, Jacs and Chris fawn over Nicholas who is struggling with Autism. He is learning new important words, like “iPad”. Not much to say here, they are going through a legit struggle.
At the Gorga’s, Melissa shows Joe a letter that Antonia wrote to Milania. Melissa is upset that the kids can’t be together, but she doesn’t want the negativity. Melissa allows Antonia to mail the letter, Antonia looks up at her mother, wondering about this pony express mailing system that her mother speaks of. After all, they live right next door to them, they could just walk over…sad. Joe is upset that Teresa is molding her kids to be against them. “Children will listen to the parents, it’s inedible”. Yes Joe, it’s inedible, as inedible as those disgusting sprinkle cookies your wife had the audacity to bring to your sister’s re-done home.
We flash over to the Wakile residence and ROSIE is back! She’s got a bad case of first world problems. She can’t find the love of a good woman, at the bars they are all hammered (go figure), and on the internet they are all freaks (say it isn’t so!) Call Nev Schulman…our dear Rosie was Catfished! The photo indicated that Rosie would be meeting a hot blonde, but she was greeted with 300 pounder that had rotten teeth. Wah wha…
Milania receives Antonia’s letter and she wants to write back immediately, but Teresa offers to call her over for a play date and to give Antonia her Birthday gift. As my cold, black heart warms three degrees, G to the Ia will not let this cheerfulness fester. She quickly points out that they were not invited to Antonia’s birthday party. Teresa’s third child, Gabrialla, is standing in the corner looking on. I swear that kid is a creeper and one of these days she is gonna go ape shit and stab Teresa in her sleep. G to the Ia shows Juicy the letter and he slings some mud about Joe and Melissa’s parenting. Teresa thinks that Melissa is behind the letter and it’s her half-assed attempted at an apology. When Antonia and Milania get on the phone, Antonia is instructed to provide a non-committal answer, “We will plan a play date soon.”
Caroline and Al are renting an apartment in Hoboken for a year to see if they may like to downsize and sell their house. It has NOTHING to do with Caro wanting to hover over her sons who live in the same town. N-O-T-H-I-N-G…and if you think it does, you’re STUPID! Melissa and Joe arrive for a visit and the talk is all about playdategate. Melissa sends Teresa a text and Teresa is at dinner with her Neanderthal hubby and she is half in the bag. It’s a motherf*ckin’ text off over this play date. Juicy offers his wife some really sound advice, “Compromise and call her a stank ass beyotch”. Melissa decides to drop it because Caro is uncomfortable over the texting war. “Let me tell you something Caro” lays it down… “It’s not an economic summit, just put the kids in the car and take ‘em somewhere!” Juicy (a.k.a. F*ckface Von Clownstick) waxes philosophical “at the end of the day, how’s that song go, were all just uh…” Tre completes his thought, “dust in the air”. Ahh…these two barely complete each other.
Caroline and Jacs get together for a visit the next day and re-hash the Gorga/Goo-doo-chay drama. Jacs says she is so over it, listening to this bullshit is right up there on her priority list along with “bleaching my asshole”.
Teresa takes G to the Ia shopping at Posche for Jr. Nutbags and she’s all excited about her turning 12. G to the Ia gives her major ‘tude and parades around the store with her Louis Vuitton bag. Wow. Just. Wow. G to the Ia is all about the short, tight skirts and confesses there is a boy she likes. Teresa isn’t ready for the “talk” with G to the Ia because she hasn’t gotten her “monthly bill” yet. Geez, is it 1920 in Jersey? Anyhoo, Tre gets a text from Melissa still asking to take the girls out. G to the Ia tells Tre, “don’t let her take Milania out of the blue moon!” Glad to see the misuse of colloquialisms is being handed down. G to the Ia can’t stand Teresa’s slow texting fingers and she commands the iPhone. She texts Melissa back on Teresa’s behalf saying that Teresa and Milania will meet them at the play date together.
It’s the big play date day…Joe tells Melissa he has been summoned by the all-knowing, all-wise, forever butting-in, let me tell you something, Caroline. Melissa finds this odd, but has no time to ponder it, she has an unnecessary fedora to wear and a play date to get to. Teresa is driving Milania to the beadery shop and Milania has zero f*cks to give, she is more concerned about pulling out all her nose hairs. Juicy calls and asks Milania if she’s excited to “see horsey face”, which of course Milania hears and keeps repeating. The girls arrive at the beadery and they hug like long lost friends. Melissa and Teresa manage to remain cordial, but hey, we got 10 minutes left, these bitches can still pop the eff off on each other. Antonia opens the birthday gift from the Goo-DUH-chays and it’s an iPod. Melissa is annoyed at the expensive gift and says a better gift would be for Teresa to shut her cannoli hole.
Caro and Joe have their summit over coffee and Caro dishes out a heaping spatula full of unsolicited advice. Caroline tells him she didn’t want to get involved, but she doesn’t mind if she do! “Sometimes, you’ve gotta take a beating to do what’s right,” Caro says. Joe starts crying because he realizes that the “Fu Man Chu” goatee he has grown looks asinine.
Back at the beadery, the girls make some jewelry and Melissa is micromanaging their beading skills. Through thought provoking discussion, Tre and Melissa come to find out that they have both booked Antonia and Gabriella’s communion on the same day. Teresa offers to be the “bigger asshole person” and change Gabriella’s date. The excruciating play date comes to an end and Milania and Antonia give each other a tearful goodbye.
Caro and Joe have talked into the wee hours of the nigh because it is dark out now as Joe weeps in Caroline’s bosom. Caro feels his pain, after all she is still feuding with her sister Dina. We get a small glimpse of the upcoming season and it looks like intense drama filled with screaming, hysteria, thrashing about, and some funky Outward Bound trust exercises.