The Burning Bridges to Hell are Paved with Crazy

Kenya is hard at work planning her “Black Iconic Women in Film” party with a full on party planning staff and actor Tommy Ford, who Kenya worked with on “Martin”.  Kenya admits that the catalyst for this event was Porsha calling her a washed up hag, which is a great reason to throw a party.  During this scene, I wanted Kenya to flip out on the party planner and bust out a patented She by Shereé “Who gonna check me, boo?”

Phaedra and Kandi poured themselves into some tacky spandex and headed off to meet with some men from “Divas in Defense” so that Phaedra can get ready for the reunion show practice using her new stun gun “Phaedra Sparks”.  Because every woman wants to be cute and dainty while tazing the poop outta some po’ bastard attacker.  Kandi really wants to zap one of the men in the nuts with it, so he lets her simulate an attack and she actually zaps him, and she’s a little too excited about it.

Porsha and Kordell pay a visit to Dr. Sherry and we all know this is a fat waste of time because it’s public news that Kordell filed for divorce.  Dr. Sherry gives her best counseling effort and Porsha tries to give good wife, but Kordell is clearly set in his ways and he wants Porsha to stay home and continue raise him to be a misogynist meat-head like his mommy did.  He tells her there is no winning an argument with him, she will lose every time.  I feel somewhat bad for Porsha here, but he has made it abundantly clear that he has absolutely zero f*cks to give about her happiness.  Even though this poor girl can barely find her way out of a paper bag, I am confident she will be better off without him.

It’s one hour until Kenya’s party and she is a greezy bundle of crazy nerves.  One of Kenya’s producer friends, Brandon, arrives to help Kenya get ready.  He asks about “what’s her face, the one who looks like Arsenio Hall in the chin”, and Kenya laughs because he is speaking about her enemy, Porsha.  Kenya tells him she is coming as BAPS because she is rough around the edges and unpolished.  In the same breath, she frets about her ashy knees, elbows, and feet and her ragged cuticles.  Now who exactly is rough around the edges and unpolished?  Pot.  Kettle.  Black.

Meanwhile, Porsha is trying on BAPS costumes for her friends at the hair salon complete with a fake gold tooth.  She is having fun with it and I think she looks cute, but her non-humorous friends at the salon plant the seed of rebellion by saying about Kenya, “that bitch is trying to play you.” 

Baps-Porsha

Across town, Cynthia is whirling and twirling her Diana Ross looks, while her trusty assistants dressed as Prince and Ike Turner look on with undying approval.  Cynthia ends up looking like, well, Cynthia, and everyone else looks like they are wearing bagged Halloween costumes from Walgreens.

It’s party time and all hell breaks loose, Porsha dumped the BAPS idea and has shown up as Dorothy Dandridge, which sends Kenya completely off the rails.  Dressed as Pam Grier/Foxy Brown, Kenya scolds Porsha for not coming as her assigned character, but still isn’t satisfied.  She has a severe case of “malice content” and she has Porsha and Kordell escorted out by “SECURITY!  SECURITY!”  Funny how Miss Kenya doesn’t seem one bit perturbed by the fact that Kandi’s fiancé, Todd, came dressed down like he was going camping.

Word spreads to Cynthia dressed as Diana Ross and Kandi dressed as a pitiful Tina Turner in a highly flammable wig from the dollar store.  Peter, who is NOT dressed as Billy Dee Williams with a bad attitude, suggests a revolt and they all leave together.  As they mill around outside the venue, Peter tops it off with a good ol’ fashioned “f*ck her and f*ck her party.”

Cynthia calls Nene to give her the low down and Kenya continues to be a seething cauldron of crazy and she comes outside to get into it further with Porsha.  Kenya finally backs down and gives a blanket, fake apology to everyone and goes back to watch her “production”, which looks like a 3rd grade play.  Kenya’s gay husband, Brandon, is left outside to contend with a riled up Kordell, who gets in his face.  I don’t think Kordell realizes he is scrappin’ with a dude who is wearing a sash with a stuffed animal pinned on it, but he sends Brandon inside to retrieve Kenya for a real ass apology.  Kandi and Todd want to stay out of the drama and if this doesn’t settle down soon, Kandi, her cheap wig, and her man are going to Fatburger.

Nene shows up as Grace Jones and she is wearing a snood, carrying a whip, and owning it.  Speaking of owning it, Phaedra arrives in a flurry of shiny black latex and she is looking fierce as Ertha Kitt/Cat Woman.  The gang brings everyone up to speed on the drama and Nene says “there’s a difference between keepin’ it real and keepin’ it real crazy!”  Porsha finally concedes and says she will just “take it for the team” and go back inside without the desired apology.  Phaedra has her stun gun cocked and ready, but Nene has a plan of her own and she orders the party planner to summon Kenya for a “come to Nene” talk.  Nene gives Kenya a lecture about being an asshole, how she shouldn’t burn bridges, Grace Jones was way badder than Foxy Brown, and she’s gonna get her ass kicked if she doesn’t make things right with Porsha.

Porsha isn’t buying Kenya’s shit, but accepts the apology to keep the peace and to stay and watch Kenya “go into debt” putting on this ramshackle disaster of a shit show.  Hey girl, the high road is often a lonely one.

Diva-GroupPic

We wrap up the finale with Kenya introducing the ladies as their characters and we get the brief, post-season five RHATL life of each woman:  As we know Kordell has filed for divorce from Porsha, and that is all Porsha gets.  I’m guessing she will be back next season because she will need the paycheck, I’m sure Kordell the control freak has an ironclad pre-nup.  Phaedra is expecting her second child and she actually knows the due date this time, and she has a pregnancy work out video in the works and there will be no competition, unless Kenya is going to fake a pregnancy too.  Kandi is officially engaged to Todd and her empire keeps on growing.  Cynthia is planning to continue to rip off children another Miss Renaissance Pageant and helping Nene plan her re-nuptials.  As for Nene, she rides in on a chariot and steals the spotlight.  She is awaiting her next big role and Gregg has given her a 15-karat re-engagement ring. 

Nene-Chariot

Finally, we learn that Kenya is dating an African oil tycoon and her work out DVD is allegedly outselling Phaedra’s.  Next week, part one of the reunion with a surprise visit from wigs-n-cigs.

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