Putting on Appearances

 

We open this week with the Porsha/Kordell Brain trust and Kordell finds the pregnancy test she received in Vegas as a joke.  Kordell wants her to take the test, but of course, she doesn’t know how to do it, she thinks she needs to pee on it for two minutes straight.  OY…Kordell tells her to wait in the bathroom for the full two minutes “don’t come bring that thing up in here wet”.  Uggh…she should bring it out and flick the wet part of the stick on his forehead.  The test comes up negative and Porsha seems genuinely disappointed, but even more disappointed in Kordell’s reaction because he has exactly zero f*cks to give.

Po<code>rsha-EPT

 

Kandi and Don Juan head over to look at her new office space.  Now that she’s running a full-blown empire, she needs a space for Bravo to film her spin off show to run her business.  Kandi feels a bit overwhelmed taking on her new office and her housewarming party as if she isn’t running poor Don Juan into the ground.

 

We travel north to find Miss Nene in NYC promoting “The New Normal”.  She arrives at “Live!  With Kelly and Michael” and she quickly attends to her ashy heels and changes into a flirty black dress.  Nene is ready to light up like a “light bub” when she takes the stage for the live show.  She gives a quick schpeel and then she jets off to the “Today” show.  Clearly, Nene is just popping in to collect her Bravo paycheck this week as we do not see her again this episode.

 

Nene-Today_Show

Cynthia is gearing up for some Men’s Health event that Peter is having because he is the epitome of all things healthy for men???  She is trying on dresses as she and Peter discuss the fact that Walter is invited to the event.  Cynthia feigns concern for Kenya and Peter finds it “juvenile” and suggests Kenya “keep it movin’.”  Cynthia tells Peter they all had fun in Vegas and that she rode a mechanical bull, but he can’t believe her “spastic ass” rode a bull.  Not only did her spastic ass ride a bull, but her naked crotch rode a bull.  Cynthia settles on wearing menswear for the event and then she scurries off to the free clinic to get a diagnosis on the itchy rash between her thighs.

Kordell is being fitted for a suit, and I have to say my eyes were fixated on the wall size photo of Porsha and Kordell.  What is with these ATL folks and garish self-portraits?  Anyhoo…Porsha decides to tell Kordell what the ladies said about their marriage and Kordell being controlling.  He insists he is “in control, but not controlling, big difference!”  Oh yeah Kordell?  You don’t have any confidence in your wife regarding handling a career and a baby.  You don’t want her to hire a nanny and you want Porsha at home being a full-time mom and housewife.  Nah, this is the way all husbands are, in 1950!  He tells Porsha she needs to let him go out and bust his “head wide open down to da’ white meat” and let Porsha fry it up in a pan.  Maybe non-controlling Kordell will do us all a favor and not “let” Porsha return to the show next season.  Gotta love that derp face…

Kordell

 

It’s the night of Peter’s black tie party and Kandi arrives in a rather unflattering, green, snakeskin, feathery frock that Johnny Weir wouldn’t wear to a dog show and Porsha is dressed like a slutty Pocahontas.  Kenya breezes in with her date, Jamal Anderson who is a former NFL star and apparently a prop.  Kenya insists she and Jamal are “just friends” even though Jamal wants more, of course.  Cynthia debriefs Kenya about the Walter situation and reinforces that Kenya will handle it with grace.  Kenya describes Walter as “some groupie just tryin’ to hang on”.  Porsha arrives in a pepto pink dress about two sizes two small.  I know they say rouching helps to disguise figure flaws, but Phaedra is overdoing it and the circulation to her upper body is being cut off.

They all take their seats and Kenya is concerned that Peter will stir up shit and may seat her by Walter.  She ends up at table “number one” and Walter is at “table oblivion, which where he belongs”.  Way to move on gracefully, Kenya.  Peter introduces Leon, Cynthia’s ex, and he says a few words.  Phaedra feels Kenya’s death stare from across the room.  I thought those two agreed to disagree last week, they will never, ever, ever get back together.  Kenya grabs Kandi’s attention to tell her about an event she is planning to honor iconic black women in film and it will be a costume ball.  Kenya announces that Cynthia will be dressing up as Diana Ross and she instructs Kandi to come as Tina Turner from “What’s Love Got to Do With It”, which actually would be Angela Basset.  Tina Turner did not star as herself…oh those pesky details.  Kenya throws in a complimentary dig by telling Porsha, even though Kenya wasn’t invited to Porsha’s recent soiree, she really wants Porsha to come as Halle Berry from “Baps”.  Of course, Porsha is offended because she doesn’t want to wear an orange prostitute outfit and she takes it as an insult, which I am sure it is.  Porsha wants to come as Halle playing Dorothy Dandridge, but Kenya pulls the “it’s my party” card.  Will she or won’t she?

Baps

Kenya leaves and then Walter makes his rounds.  The guys go off for a pow wow and Peter cuts to the chase and asks Walter what went on between him and Kenya.  Walter says “it’s just not for me”.  Walter doesn’t go for women over a certain age, “I like my women like I like my rims, 22’s, 24’s, 26’s.”  Okay, so we’ve established he’s a pig with big pork rind ears.  Kordell asks Walter how he feels about seeing Kenya with Jamal and now it’s Walter who has exactly zero f*cks to give.

Meanwhile, Phaedra has shuttled her wrinkly pepto dress-wearing ass over by Kenya to say hello.  Kenya asks Jamal to excuse them and they talk about their ups and downs, moving forward, baby steps…HOLY SHIT…who put blue cheese under Phaedra’s arms?!?!  It’s the twentieth century girlfriend, get some of that invisible no residue anti-perspirant.  So this is three weeks in a row that I have been disgusted by Phaedra Parks’ pits.  Kenya invites Phaedra to the costume ball and assigns her to be Ertha Kitt.  Seriously, now we have to see Phaedra in a cat suit?!?!?  My eyes can’t handle the truth.

Kenya, her dog Velvet, and Cynthia go to a costume shop to look at outfits for the pretend costume party.  Cynthia asks Kenya about Jamal, but Kenya assures her, they are just friends.  Way to dodge a bullet, Jamal.  Cynthia appreciates her attendance at the party, despite Walter’s presence, but she explains that Kenya is going to need to adjust because the ATL is small and Walter is going to be around.  Kenya doesn’t want to hear his name ever again, so of course, Cynthia gets out her matches and gasoline and tells Kenya what Walter said to the men.  Kenya floats the “gay card” ever so gently and it’s on.  The Walter is gay storyline has officially launched.  Kenya tells Cynthia she wants to be set up with a new man, but not with anyone on the “down low”, because she has had enough of that.

Kandi’s housewarming party is underway, but it’s only for the guest house.  She won’t be having these commoners in her main mansion.  Everyone filters in, including Walter who brings his own beard date, who he totally ignores.  Apollo starts gossiping with Peter about the “Walter is gay” rumor and how Walter is going to go ape shit on Kenya.  Peter is ready to sit back and watch the show.  These men make Slade (RHOC) look like a good guy.  Kenya walks in, cue the dramatic music…Kandi whisks Kenya downstairs to get her away from Walter and to tell her what’s up.  Kenya flips out and tells Kandi it’s not cool, Walter is a stalker, she doesn’t have security with her, and could someone please, please show her to the back exit so she can flee.  Next week, poor Don Juan is stuck escorting Kenya out of the party and more drama is a-brewin’.

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