Stripped to the White Meat

The Peaches are concluding the L.A. leg of their trip and they are heading to Vegas where absolutely nothing can go wrong.  Cynthia shares some lotion with Kenya so she can de-ash while they re-hash the dinner convo about Walter, but first a sidebar:  Cynthia’s hair looks like absolute shit for the first time in the history of ever.  Kenya was miffed that the gang talked about her personal Walter debacle at the dinner table, especially in front of two people she despises.  Cynthia keeps forgetting about all the beef because in the group setting, Phaedra is all lollipops and rainbows.  Brace for impact everyone, the bus ride to Vegas is paved with hell.

Cynthia-Hair

Nene used her superstardom to arrange for a party bus to transport the precious Peaches to Vegas.  The bus comes complete with a stripper pole, but make no mistake, Nene will not be riding the bus or the pole.  She has to work and then will be flying to Vegas, ahem…first class.

Kenya heads up the activity committee on the party bus of doom and she wants all the women to pick a housewife and do a 30 second impression of them.  Cynthia does her finest Kandi and Porsha demonstrates Nene with a head bob and a finger wave.  Phaedra imitates Kenya and does a gone with the wind twirl.  After three hours on the bus to hell, the ladies ponder the Vegas activities in which they will partake.  Kenya wants to ride a mechanical bull and Cynthia suggests going to the “Crazy Horse”, which she thinks is a strip club.  Duh…even I know that it’s a strip club, why you gotta front, Cynthia?  Porsha is immediately repulsed and will not be part of such debauchery.  Phaedra tries to class it up by describing the Crazy Horse as an “exotic extravaganza with lovely ladies of all textures and colors, it’s bountiful with nude beautity.”  Way to sugar coat it, it’s a raunchy ass strip club with textures and smells that will rock you to your core.  Sidebar:  Phaedra still needs to shave her armpits.  Maybe they have a waxing station in the Champagne Room at the Crazy Horse.

After riding on the death bus for six hours, they stop at a Mega Mart to fuel up and the driver is so sick of their asses, he gives them a little scare by leaving them at the Go to Hell Mart for a few minutes.  He finally returns and Kandi declares that next time she will be traveling “rich bitch” style, like Nene.  There’s going to be a next time?  Speaking of Lenethia Leakes, she has already arrived in Vegas and can’t believe the rotten Peaches are still on the stank bus.  Porsha is eating pickles and the ladies start in about her being knocked up.  Phaedra starts up some bat shit craziness about the ancient pregnancy test involving pee and rabbits, you’ve heard the old expression “the rabbit died” meaning if the pee of a pregnant woman was given to a rabbit it would die.  Kenya’s inner animal activist gets worked up about it, Phaedra basically tells her to shut her face, and the tension escalates.  God I miss Nene and Wigs-n-Cigs…

The gang finally arrives in Vegas and they have a minute to change and throw wigs on.  Cynthia is giving us Diana Ross realness with her gargantuan afro wig.  Porsha is under the impression that the Crazy Horse is going to be a burlesque show and Kandi is hoping for some good grub.  Well I hope they like steam trays full of cocktail weenies and tater tots, ‘cuz that’s what the strip club grub is.  Nene announces that she doesn’t like eating in strip clubs and Porsha’s feathers rise.  She is not okay with going to a strip club because King of the Jack Wagons, Kordell, would not approve, oh and women selling their bodies give Porsha a mean case of the sads.  Cue mega eye roll from Nene.  Kandi wisely suggests a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” approach, but there is not enough body glitter on the planet to get Porsha into that club.  Porsha bids them adieu and Kenya teases that “Papa Kordell didn’t sign her permission slip.”  I have to give our resident ditz, Porsha, some credit here, it’s not totally abnormal for a woman to be uncomfortable with this.  Naked, sweaty, strange women are not everyone’s cup o’ entertainment tea.  I guess “Thunder From Down Under” was booked.

Once in the club, Phaedra starts making it rain for a stripper, practically gives her a pap smear and compliments her on her shaving habits.  Later, the gang has a heart-to-heart talk with one of the strippers about how difficult it is to sustain a relationship when working in this profession.  The convo provides a segue for Nene to share her former stripper tales and how she sprung it on Gregg by inviting him to the club where she worked, and then performing for him.  Nene wanted to maintain her independence and find a partner who would support her in what she did and she had no plan to quit stripping until Gregg married her.  In fact, Nene recited their wedding vows for us:  “Your marriage is supposed to complement and enhance who you are.  Like if you want to jump over the damn moon, your partner should support you jumping over the damn moon.  Now they don’t need to like it, but they just need to stand there and watch your ass jump over the damn moon, mmmmkay.”  WORD!

This leads to more trash talk about Porsha and her controlling, non-supportive, meat-puppet husband.  Cynthia listens intently while cautiously nibbling on a chicken nugget.  Nene feels that Porsha isn’t living her own dreams, but rather Kordell’s.  A little piece of Porsha will die each day and she will wake up in 20 years in her tattered, cotton-candy pink robe and wonder where her life went.  Nene declares the solution, it’s as clear as a Lucite heel.  An intervention is needed, which sounds like an excellent idea and will likely be drama free.

The next day, Porsha is having her makeup done and she calls Kordell to proudly tell him that she did not defy him and she stayed out of the strip club.  Cynthia pops in looking like she hasn’t slept and tells Porsha how much fun they had at the Crazy Horse.  The gang loads into the limo and Nene wastes no time confronting Porsha, who equally wastes no time playing the “I’m a good Christian card.”  Phaedra trumps Christian card and says that going to a strip club doesn’t make you a sinner any more than going to church makes you a Christian.  AMEN.  Nene basically attacks Porsha’s marriage and labels it “traditional bullshit.”  Porsha is forced to defend herself and says that she is lucky Kordell “let her” come on the trip.  BLOOP…the women go nutz.  Let’s not forget that Nene divorced Gregg just to prove a point, and she’ll do it again goddamnit!  She is a strong, independent woman and she only wants Porsha to stand up for herself.  They arrive at the Jubilee Theater, but this conversation has not been forgotten.  Phaedra and Porsha go to the restroom, which allows Kandi to ring lead more trash talk.  The ladies go backstage and meet with some of the show girls, they try on some hats and Kenya starts dancing around and her boobs pop out of her top, so Porsha gets a strip show weather she likes it or not.

Ladies-Vegas

Later, the ladies hit some of the upscale shops and Nene starts prodding Kandi to look at engagement rings.  Kandi finds something she likes and she sends Todd a picture of a modestly priced $7,500 ring.  The ladies make fun of her for being cheap, but this is precisely why Kandi is rich, she doesn’t live beyond her means.  She knows that this gravy train will derail in a Vegas minute.

During the snippet between commercials, Cynthia climbed on a mechanical bull and announced that she wasn’t wearing underwear.  The thought of nothing between her coochie crack and a germ infested mechanical bull in Vegas makes my brain scream.

Cynthia-Bull

In the final, anti-climactic scene, Kandi welcomes the ladies to her hotel room for a Bedroom Kandi pajama party.  Kandi passes around the Kegel balls and OMG, Nene sniffs them.  Ugh…why Nene, why?  Kandi gives Porsha a pregnancy test as a joke and they all want her to take it, but she will not share that moment with these hags.  They have a sexy strawberry eating contest and when Phaedra eats hers, Kenya gives her the “you disgust me death glare.”  Kenya takes her turn and Phaedra makes a comment “nasty noises capt’n crunch, somebody might like it, but it don’t look like Walter do.”  Holy f*ckballz, rude and uncalled for.  Kenya is going to go ballistic.  They play the next game, which is to answer a relationship question.  Kenya puts in a question about what to do when someone who you thought was your friend hurts you and then pretends it never happened, oh and said friend is a dead ringer for a one PHAEDRA PARKS.  Kenya owns up to submitting the question and calls Phaedra up to the podium to answer it.  Phaedra says she also felt hurt and it is a two-way street to bitter town.  Kenya tells Phaedra that she said negative things about her character, “you cut me to the white meat”, which must be reeeeeeeal deep because Kenya is solid chocolate bunny.  Cynthia suggests they both apologize and sign a friend contract in blood, but Nene bulldozes over it by saying they just need to knock the shit off because bitches will never be friends.  Next week, Kordell puts the hammer down on Porsha, reducing her to Barbie tears and Walter shows up at a party where Kenya may be looming.

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