Please Don’t Feed the Animals

Nene is prepping for the visit from the Atlanta Peaches, which is sure to be fraught with peril.  She runs over her list of details and comments that they will need to concoct a special drink for Kandi since she doesn’t drink alcohol.  Gregg suggests “sex on the beach” and she points out that it must be alcohol free, so he suggests “sex on the street”.  Nene ignores his joke, she must be immune to him.  Cynthia calls and Nene asks about the latest drama, “it’s still the Kenya and Phaedra thing”, Cynthia reports.  Nene warns that she has “a little splash o’ crazy and a whole lotta bitch in me” (now there’s a name for a cocktail), so her plan is to remain neutral.  This is the first warning, the Peaches must be on time, Nene’s big dinner party begins promptly at 9:00 p.m.

The ladies arrive in L.A. and they are cruising along in a Hummer stretch limo built for the Jolly Green Giant.  The driver comes to an abrupt halt because the vehicle won’t fit up the windy hills.  Cynthia calls Nene at 7:00 p.m. to let her know that Phaedra missed her flight and they can’t get up the street in their gargantuan ride.  While Nene shuttles down in her Escalade to retrieve the precious peaches, leave it to Kenya to start arguing with the driver about the turning radius of the oversized Hummer.  If they were in Atlanta, maybe they could call Walter for a tow????  Nene gets everyone safely to the vacation house she rented for the Peach squad, because she doesn’t want chunks of weave in her own drains.  The house is spectacular, however I am sure these bat shit crazy bitches will find something to take issue with.  Nene confirms the 9:00 p.m. dinner again, but the girls can barely muster up a crap.

GuestHouse

Three hours later at 10:00 p.m., Phaedra finally arrives announcing she has a headache and she is sleepy, but Kandi tells her to fluff, freshen, and get her glad rags on because they have to get to Nene’s, STAT!  They pile back into the Hummer and since it’s now 11:13 p.m., they are literally tardy for the party.  I am wondering how they got back into the Hummer, maybe it took them an hour to walk down the hill?  Or maybe it’s all production fueled drama.  Cynthia decides to finally call Nene, which is another thing that doesn’t make sense.  The crack rat will call Nene to discuss the color of her coochie crack lint, but in this case, she couldn’t have picked up the phone two hours ago to inform their gracious host that they are running late?  Nene’s splash o’ crazy has already kicked in before she answers the phone, she tells Cynthia they don’t need to come, “just keep it moving” and she hangs up on her.  Make no mistake, Nene may live in the Hollywood Hills, but she still knows how to “get hood!”

Kenya is convinced that once they get there, Nene will soften her disposition, but as the Hummer pulls up at 11:40 p.m., Nene and Gregg are already waiting outside to tell them to get bent.  Phaedra realizes the “Krunk Nene” is resurrected and tries to stand down.  Gregg points out that they spent a lot of money to put together a nice dinner and it’s disrespectful for them to arrive three hours late.  True dat.  Leave it to Kandi to ask for a to-go box.  Nene gives her the death glare, but Gregg concedes and goes inside to fix them a plate.  While they wait, Kenya and Kandi descend on the front of the house like insane trick or treaters, peeking in the windows and marveling at how wonderful everything looks on Kenya’s old dining room table, which she “loaned” to Nene.

Nene holds firm and insists the Peaches bounce back where they came from.  Kandi clearly has no f*cks to give and thinks Nene should have accommodated them.  Kenya defends Nene’s position seeing all the time and money she put into the dinner party.  Still, no f*cks given by Kandi, but I guess that’s what you do when you wipe your ass with $100 dollar bills.  Kandi admits to the camera that she gets pissy when she is hungry, but if that’s the case, throw a dayum Slim Jim in your purse!  Cynthia and Kandi are overcome with bitchiness and hunger and make an executive decision to challenge the Hummer’s turning radius and they re-route to Fatburger.

The next morning, the new and improved “Zen Kenya” is up early having her abs sprayed on and then she makes a full breakfast in order to get the Peach Pits out of bed and keep them on schedule.  She is not psychotically stabbing at film covers on Lean Cuisine trays, she is legit cookin’ it up.  Pancakes, bacon, grits, the whole breakfast enchilada.  Porsha offers to help and Kenya directs her to make coffee, but Porsha can’t figure out the Keurig machine.  The rest of the gang tumbles down the stairs, they have one hour to get out the door.  Phaedra wants to stay on CPT, but Nene has set up an improv class at The Groundlings, which Kenya tries to take credit for by saying she so wanted the gang to have the experience.

Meanwhile, Nene sits poolside practicing her scene for The New Normal.  Gregg tells her not to be angry at the girls for being late and encourages her to move on.  She will workshop that idea.

The gang arrives at The Groundlings class and the instructor asks them about their acting background.  Kenya goes first and rattles off her bit parts, most notable would be “Waiting to Exhale” where she played “Inmate #12”.  Cynthia follows up with her “small spots” on The Cosby Show, which causes the instructor to salivate and Kenya’s thunder is stolen.  The instructor notes one party is missing, and of course, Nene is purposefully late.  The instructor asks Kenya to perform a physical movement and to make a noise, then the rest of the girls have to replicate it.  She makes a pterodactyl noise and does a booty shake.  The only thing I gathered from this exercise is that Miss Phaedra needs to shave her dayum armpits.  She has some serious 12:00 shadow going on.  The next exercise is to yell compliments at each other.  Kenya yells at Phaedra that her “bunions are so beautiful”, which pisses Phaedra off and she whips out the “Home Depot booty purchased in the silicone department” comment.  Nene finally arrives and Kandi thinks she should be locked out, given a plate of cheese, and sent on her way.

The ladies go over to Paramount studios so Nene can drive them around on a stretch golf cart and give them a tour.  Nene is giving us “whale tail” realness with her neon pink thong poking out the top of her shorts.  Nene manages to crash the cart and practically get Kenya decapitated by a security swing arm.  But never fear, Kenya’s ego and rhinestone crown are still intact.  The ladies peer inside of Nene’s trailer, they ooh and ahh, then they walk around taking cheezy photos.  They ask a stranger to take their picture and Kenya all but asks him for a sperm donation.

NeneTrailer

Next stop is Hollywood hotspot, Crustacean.  Kenya and Phaedra are seated together, but Phaedra isn’t worried, she has her “Phaedra Sparks” stun gun.  The ladies note that Porsha isn’t drinking any adult beverages and speculate that she may be expecting, but in an epic editing fail, Porsha is later seen sipping a martini.  Kandi talks about how Kim stole her baby name “Kash”, but stealing seems to be the theme with this group, which is a perfect segue for Porsha to ask Phaedra about the Donkey Booty Video.  Cynthia turns the convo to Kenya and we find out that “Kenya Moore’s Booty Boot Camp” will be out in December.  Kandi asks Phaedra what hers will be called, but she will not reveal.  Although we already know about “Phine Booty”.  Phaedra’s airbrushing team is relentless.

Phine_Body_2

Kenya and Nene exchange snarky looks.  Nene talks about how she loves an independent woman and Keyna says that men use money to control women.  Another perfect segue for all inappropriate conversation topics, Kandi to ask Porsha if “No offense, but do you feel that way sometimes?” (read:  do you feel controlled by your overbearing, bucked tooth, meat-head, misogynist hubby?)  Porsha rebuts that her dream was to be a housewife, so nice try serving that shit cocktail.  Kenya announces that she and Walter broke up, which seems like ages ago.  Cynthia asks what the protocol should be about future contact with Walter and she knows Peter may invite Walter to an upcoming event.  Nene says she liked Walter and Kandi is back at her shit stirring, “he came to Porsha’s party the other day…”, which Kenya was not invited to.  Porsha takes the opportunity to rub salt in the wound by saying Walter had such a great time and Kenya is ready to go HAM on her.  Zen Kenya as we knew her for 20 minutes ceases to exist.  HAM Kenya storms out with Nene hot on her heels navigating the stairway of death in Louboutin’s.

HAM_Kenya

While Kenya explains to Nene why she is pissed, Phaedra talks about Walter to the others, saying that he is quite the ladies man around town, which I find hard to believe.  The guy was about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room.  Downstairs, Kenya tells Nene she is ready to punch Phaedra in the face, annnnnnd scene!  Next week, Vegas Baby, where the stakes are high and Cynthia’s afro is higher!

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