An Ash for an Ass

We start this week with dueling work out scenes, Kenya is at the gym working out some of her aggression and Phaedra “the original badonkadonk” is doing a photo shoot for her video packaging.  Of course, Kenya tells her trainer about the video deal and Phaedra’s refusal to pay her, because we can’t let it go and we have to tell everyone we come into contact with.  I’m sure by now Kenya’s mailman and cable guy know about this travesty.  Phaedra comes bouncing out from behind her wardrobe scrim in a less than flattering green unitard, lookin’ like a green bean.  She hops and twirls around and barely gets any air, which makes me chuckle.  We toggle between Kenya’s intense workout and Phaedra’s fluffy, x-rated at times, photos.  For all the money Phaedra isn’t paying Kenya, Ms. Parks needs a stylist…there, I said it.

Phaedra-Apollo-WorkOutPhoto

Kenya has invited Porsha to meet for lunch and Kenya tells the waiter to remove the knives from the table.  Kenya, the only crazy bitch launching over a table in a restaurant with a butter knife is YOU.  Kenya talks about her issues with Phaedra and she wants Porsha to hear her side of the story.  Porsha is clearly annoyed because Phaedra has nothing to do with the fact that she and Kenya have not gotten along.  Porsha isn’t going to get into a “he said, she said” conversation (Kenya being the “he”).  I have to give Porsha props for staying out of it and seeing that Kenya is up to her usual shit, which is trying to win unsuspecting housewives over to her side.  Our resident twinkie housewife is unflappable in her position and since Kenya doesn’t get her way, she insults her by saying she can’t have a woman to woman conversation because there isn’t a woman in front of her.  They both get up and leave while arguing, pissing off all the other customers in the joint, namely two men at the bar just trying to get through their workday with a lunchtime cocktail.  Porsha is pissed that Kenya and her ashy feet drug her away from a scintillating episode of “The Maury Povich Show” for this tired crap.  Kenya throws some insults back, ripping on Porsha’s wedgie sneakers, green eye shadow, and Diana Ross hairdo from the 1950’s.  At least she has lotion for her ashy issue, but apparently, she hasn’t implemented that solution.

Nene and Gregg are at a furniture store to look for accessories and Nene asks the owner of the store if he would come out and do a personal consultation.  So much for watching her budget, Nene oozes over alpaca goat hair ottomans and monkey statues.  Gregg tells him to “come by tomorrow, bring two pepperoni pizzas, and we’ll give you a budget of $300…make it happen!”  They all laugh like it’s the funniest shit they have ever heard, but I have to think the store owner is laughing at them.

Cynthia has met with Cy, a pageant planner, because she wants to coordinate a pageant to keep the hopes and dreams of aspiring wannabes alive, and to turn a quick buck for the agency by squeezing $1,200.00 out of each contestant.  They check out a venue for the pageant and Porsha joins them to help Cynthia because Kenya “doesn’t know how to hold it together in a public arena.”  NO SHIT SHERLOCK!  Cy thinks the venue is too big and they would just be setting themselves up for failure.  No Cy, the venue is not the problem.  The problem is that Cynthia has lined up ZERO contestants and she has named the pageant “Cynthia Bailey Presents Miss Renaissance 2012.”  Let the freak fest begin.  Cynthia appoints Porsha to be her “check list girl”, because she has no job and has nothing to do anyway.  Now, now Cynthia, we know Porsha has had a rough year adjusting to being a stay at home wife with no children.  Aside from that cutting remark, wasn’t Cynthia touting the pitfalls of mixing friends and business last week?  Subtle foreshadowing of another blow up.  Porsha offers to sing as the entertainment and I beg of you Bravo, not another housewife single.

Kandi meets Porsha, her friend Shamiya, and Cynthia at a Moroccan place called the Imperial Fez.  They talk about belly dancing, booty dancing, and then Phaedra arrives just in time for Cynthia to segue the convo into the donkey booty video controversy.  Phaedra is calm, she has it all goin’ on and her plan is on track.  Porsha tells the gang about her lunch with Kenya and Kandi is boggled as to why the eff these two keep trying to talk, they need to accept that they hate each other and call it a day already.  Cynthia talks about the pageant and how Porsha volunteered to sing, Porsha describes her singing voice as Mary J. Blige, Beyoncé, and Rihanna, a mixed “congloberation”.  The girls want her to sing a bit, but she makes excuses, then finally sings two words and then the belly dancers come out with some loud music playing, sparing all of our ears.

Kenya is hitting golf balls and Cynthia arrives dressed like Russell Simmons and starts dishing about all the negative comments that Phaedra has made about Kenya.  I’m not sure why all of the sudden Cynthia is on Team Kenya, but she has just served up a shit martini, shaken and well stirred.

Kenya meets up with Lawrence, Housewife Team Jumper, for a drink and she starts up on Phaedra.  Lawrence doesn’t seem surprised and advises Kenya not to talk to Phaedra about anything.  He claims Phaedra threw shade on him one time by saying she didn’t like men in heels.  Oy, however Laurence fires back by saying Phaedra “is not up to par with what she should look like as a woman of 2012.”  Dayum!  Kenya plans to nip the Phaedra feud in the ass and keep it movin’.

Nene is launching a shoe for Shoedazzle and all the girls show up for the event.  As the gang trickles in, we see Kenya and Lawrence plot on the car ride over.  Kenya is wearing an outfit, which pays homage to Phaedra’s thong bikini outfit in Anguilla.  Kenya has taped some butt pads to her ass, I guess to insinuate that Phaedra pads her ass?  Who the f*ck knows, but Kenya belongs in a padded room.

Kenya-Booty

The ladies all get a good laugh and Kandi explains to Phaedra that she is being mocked.  Phaedra tells the camera “she’s just not normal, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.”  What was your first freaking clue, counselor???Phaedra-OhLawd

Nene is loving every sick minute of this and she coaxes Kenya to “clear the air” with Phaedra.  Kenya and Phaedra go at it, discussing what Phaedra said about the chemical imbalance and drinking problem comments, which Phaedra owns up to and adds that she said those things right to Kenya’s face.  Poor Porsha is begging the waiter for mass amounts of wine to get through this night.  If anything, these two nut jobs are gonna Porsha a drinking problem!  Phaedra and Cray Cray continue to argue and everyone is just shaking their heads and laughing.  Kenya comes at her with both butt cheeks “you shouldn’t be doing a work out video, because your body ain’t there.”  Kenya says certain things like that just shouldn’t be said (right after she said it!).

Nene-LovinIt

What do you think?  Does Phaedra have a Phine Booty as her video cover suggests?  Y’all saw her in that heinous green unitard, can we say “heavily airbrushed midsection”???

Phine_Body

 

Looks like next episode, Walter makes a reprise, Bedroom Kandi goes Gospel, and Kenya’s full-of-shititis flares up.

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