HAM Booty


Cynthia is judging at the big time Bronner Brothers Hair Show, hair is everything, mmm hmm…work it girl.  Kenya arrives and she and Cynthia appear to have bonded over their disdain for Phaedra and they are acting civil, for now.  Kenya discusses her plan for a Stallion work out video with Cynthia, Lawrence, and Derek.  She garners their support and says in a voice over that she doesn’t need an army of people to cram on 10,000 pairs of spanx.  I guess she is implying that Phaedra does that, which conjures up a memory of the first reunion where Phaedra appeared.  Her spanx were so tight she couldn’t breathe and she almost passed out.  Kenya may not need spanks for her booty, but her ego could use a pair.

Nene and Gregg are babysitting Bri’ Asia.  They attempt to assemble a cradle, but it’s like the blind leading the blinder.  They move the pieces around, lose the screws, and then scrap the idea completely and opt to fawn over the baby and check to see if she pooped.


Kandi is getting her hair did by Derek J. and he gives her the straight scoop about the booty video wars.  Kandi says “you dayum lyin’!”  She tells the camera that Phaedra will go “HAM BURGER on her [Kenya’s] ass”.  I love how Kandi wants to stay out of it, but immediately whips out her cell phone and calls Phaedra to expedite the impending drama.  Phaedra handles it in stride and says nobody wants “no six flags scream machine booty with all those lumps and umps everywhere.”  She throws in a bath salts comment for good measure and they hang up.  Kandi tells Derek she will bring it up “nicely” to Kenya to get her side of it.  Way to stay out of it…Derek says the lesson learned here is, do not tell Kenya what you are doing!

Cynthia is in a grade school gym conducting a walk off with children for an upcoming fashion show she is organizing to benefit children with HIV.  Phaedra and Apollo show up with Ayden, but Cynthia doesn’t have a lot of confidence in Ayden’s runway walk, or lack thereof.  Put a Thomas the Train cake at the end of the runway, he’ll do just fine.  Porsha also shows up and blows smoke up Cynthia’s ass about how great she is, but as soon as they walk outside after the practice, Porsha busts out the “I told you so” in her own special way.  They chat about the booty video wars, but Phaedra seems none too concerned, there is no love lost between she and Lifetime Movie Crazy.  Porsha is a bit pissed that Phaedra was “Team Kenya” Anguilla and wants to hammer home her “told you so” point.  Phaedra writes off Kenya’s Anguilla behavior to being drunk, then we cut to Phaedra telling the camera that Kenya drinks like a fish and then acts like a fool, which is indicative of a problem.  Phaedra tells the girls that she thinks Kenya has a chemical imbalance and may be bi-polar.  And away we go…I sense an insult hurling match coming on at the reunion.  Hang on to your wigs and spanx!


Kenya brings her dog Velvet and Kandi to visit one of Kenya’s production designers so that Kandi can get some red plexi-glass for Riley’s room.  They happen across a piece of the donkey booty set and Kenya discusses all the exhaustive pre-production work she did.  They get into the details of the Stallion video and Kenya explains she plans to take the distribution deal she secured and Kandi calls her a bootlegger.  Tim, the production designer, is so annoyed with this drivel, he excuses himself to go do some real work, which he should have done about four minutes ago.  Kandi winds it up by telling Kenya to have a conversation with Phaedra about the whole mess.  Way to not meddle, Kandi.

Not to be outdone, Phaedra is meeting with “Watch it Now”, which is a firm who produced videos for her good friend, Jane Fonda.  After the gratuitous name drop, Phaedra explains a bit more to the directors about the donkey booty concept and Apollo demonstrates some moves.  For some reason, he decides to do hip rolls and it appears a bit x-rated. 


They all get a good laugh and the producers are on board.  Phaedra says she is so glad that they aren’t going to “chug down a liter of vodka, twirl around in a circle, scream obscenities, and run out the room at the end of the meeting”, À la Kenya Moore.  Dayum Phaedra, two weeks ago you and Kenya were BFF and now you are going at her hard.

Porsha and Phaedra meet for coffee, they are dressed alike and can’t stand Kenya, so they are already bonding.  They talk about pregnancy and marriage and Porsha says she had a difficult time over the last year adjusting to being a stay at home housewife.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  I will give you a moment to re-hinge your jaw.  Porsha wastes no time throwing out the Kenya card and Phaedra throws more shade and admits that Kenya has been manipulative.

We cut to Cynthia’s “Runway Red” fashion show.  The girls show up one by one and Cynthia and Phaedra engage in a spelling bee in front of Ayden so that he doesn’t hear any trigger words, like R-I-D-I-N-G T-O-Y, S-I-P-P-Y C-U-P, and G-U-M-M-I B-E-A-R-S.  Really, ladies?  The show starts and all the kids do really well.  Apollo walks down with Ayden on his shoulder, but Kenya isn’t smiling.


She is seething over the fact that Phaedra is all BFF with Porsha.  Backstage, Kenya, who is dressed like your grandmother’s couch, chews Nene’s ear about not getting any back end from Phaedra.  Nene strokes her ego as well and loves the stallion idea.  This show should be called “The Real Shit Stirring Housewives of ATL”.


Phaedra bops her booty up and everyone becomes silent, “what did I miss?” she asks.  Without an ounce of hesitation, Kenya tells her that she is making a Stallion booty work out video.  A post fashion show glare off ensues as the group discusses the pros and cons of stallions and donkeys.  The ever cool as a cucumber Ms. Parks says “well imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”  Kenya thinks Phaedra is suffering from “full of shit-it is.”  I bet Kenya is a carrier, and on top of it, she looks like she would smell like taco grease and ass cheese.  Apollo calls Kenya a “biter” and she doesn’t know what that means, so he clarifies that it’s a “copycat.”  In that case, Kenya will be “copy catting all the way to the bank.”  Kenya does her signature move and twirls out of the room.  Don’t let your mouth write a check that your fist can’t cash, “Miss Ratchet U.S.A.”


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