Nene meets Kenya for lunch wearing her Navajo wisdom throw in order to try to determine if she is delusional or not, she also takes safety measures by keeping her sunglasses on to deflect the glare of the greezy ol’ raisin face. Everybody knows Miss Nene only hangs with people that are keepin’ it 100. They discuss the Anguilla blow up between Kenya and Porsha, but Nene wants to cut the shit and drill down to the straight dope on Walter. She calls Kenya out for losing it on Walter and taking the “anything can happen in three days” comment and running with it. Nene tells the camera that if Kenya just wants a baby she can hook her up with the dude on the corner and a turkey baster. Kenya maintains that Walter has discussed her ring size and where their children would go to school so she knows what’s up, but Nene boils it down to what we all know is true… “he’s just not that into you.” That has to be the understatement of the year.
Porsha has invited Cynthia and Kandi over for champagne, shade, and two, count ‘em two, kinds of cake. They discuss having children and Porsha explains her African village yam theory, which Kandi immediately shoots holes in by stating that the women from the same African village could be having twins because it’s hereditary. It’s a little too advanced for Porsha, she’ll stick with her yams. Kandi reveals her hopes to have more children and she mentions that Todd has been hinting about marriage. Perfect segue to discuss crazy Kenya and Walter who are clearly not on the same page. Hell, they are not even reading the same book. They don’t waste too much time talking about crazy raisin face and Porsha concludes the convo by saying she is just puzzled over their relationship. Yeah, and puzzled over a lot of other things too. Maybe next week we can move on to basic shapes and colors, Porsha.
Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law, is taking a meeting with Kenya Moore, crazy raisin face. Kenya touts her production company and describes some options for the Donkey Booty Workout Video. She really feels the video would fill a void in the market for folks out there who desire to build up their posteriors and just can’t find the resources figure out how to do squats at the gym. Phaedra thinks Kenya is speaking her language and she hears gold coins coming out of Kenya’s mouth. I guess that would make Kenya a crazy slot machine. Kenya asks about budget and Phaedra explains that money is not an object. Now she be speakin’ Kenya’s language. Kenya tells the camera that Phaedra is clearly a novice and she’s annoyed that Phaedra wasn’t more prepared, after all missed USA’s time is valuable. All these behind the scenes confessionals should make for some fantastic reunion fodder. Kenya gives Phaedra a copy of her latest straight to DVD movie, autographed by two unknown actors. Kenya points out that she plays a hooker in the movie, but it was just a role of course. Kenya takes the opportunity, once again, to cross the line and she asks Phaedra and Apollo if they ever role-play. When they bypass the awkwardness, they start arguing about how long the video should be. Apollo disagrees with the 30 minute approach and Phaedra doesn’t want his extreme Floyd Mayweather, Evel Knievel bullshit. Hey Phaedra, not so fast…do you see what Evel Knievel is up to these days…
Kenya tells us that they started arguing like little children in front of her and she found it to be very unprofessional. Pot. Kettle. Black.
Cynthia and Peter are grocery shopping for gluten free pizza and Peter receives an alert on his cell phone stating Phaedra and Apollo are headed for divorce. Is it just me, or is it odd that Peter is receiving alerts about Phaedra and Apollo? Stalk much ol’ man??? Cynthia pounces on it and says that in Anguilla, Apollo and Kenya were being inappropriate and she has heard that Apollo frequents the strip clubs. Peter jumps in to defend, apparently going to a strip club is the norm in the south, like going to the office. She asks Peter how often he frequents the strip club and he says “about every six months.” When asked when his last visit was, he replies “the day before yesterday.” Insert sound effect of needle scratching across record here. They proceed to get into a detailed discussion about strip clubs, why Peter goes, and the fact that the women wear nothing and they make sure that the customers see everything. Peter’s explanation is simple “Apollo is 32 years old, he’s been locked up for six years, looking at men for six years, maybe he just wanna catch up on the ass game.” As odd as it sounds, this does make sense. That would make Apollo only 26 when he got locked up, he’s got a lot of ass grabbin’ to do. At any rate, Cynthia wants to get her model brain around all this strip club stuff, so she suggests they do a double date.
Walter is waiting for death in a little coffee shop and he is mopping brow feverishly with a small napkin, what is it with this guy? Is the towing uniform he constantly wears made of wool? Kenya shows up and intends to get to the bottom of things by rehashing her distorted view of the Anguilla trip. Walter gets this confused look, like he has just shart himself. Kenya explains that she stormed away from him in Anguilla because of her experience with domestic abuse in the past and she was sensitive to his elevated tone of voice. He actually has the balls to laugh in her face because he realizes that she really is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. She basically tells him she is on a six month timeframe and she is a “wife, not a girlfriend”. He laughs at her again and tells her he won’t be pressured, and by the way…if she is such “wife material”, why at her age is she still single. Ooohh…ouch…I’m actually surprised she didn’t leap across the table and stab the dick wagon in the throat with a fork. She asks Walter how he feels about her and he tells her he loves her like a sister, but not enough to marry her today ever. She tells him she has heard enough, he has to go tow some cars and she breaks out a line from a Bonnie Raitt song “I can’t make you feel something that you don’t.”
Pastor Pollard and Phaedra go over to Kandi’s new home to bless it. After they are done, Phaedra segues into wedding talk with Todd, but Kandi doesn’t want to pull a Kenya. Phaedra then goes off on a tear about Apollo and how she wants to murder him on a daily basis for all the idiotic things he does, such as leaving the toilet seat up, not doing the dishes, and trying to be conversational in the morning. Kandi and Todd stare at her awkwardly, since murder is not particularly a normal reaction to these minor marital headaches, but they take it in stride and stay cool.
Porsha and Kordell are popping bottles of Dom and settling into their hot tub for some relaxation time. She comments on his greasy lips, to which he replies “you know the older I get, the ashier I get.” Thanks for the info Kordell, sadly this is about as interesting as he gets. They discuss the Anguilla trip and how nice it was, Kordell describes it as “everything was copastetic.” He is so excited that he bonded with the men and he says Peter is “so black, that dude is blurple.” Seriously…whatever. Kordell lectures Porsha about being careful about who she lets into her life, but Porsha intends to clear the air with Kenya and move past it.
Cynthia and Peter are driving to the strip club she asks him how much he’s got and he says he has “enough to make it drizzle.” They arrive at the Clermont Lounge, which Cynthia allegedly selected, and the place is beyond seedy. There’s tater tots and mini-franks on the buffet and a toothless hooker showin’ her stuff. Apparently, the Clermont Lounge is the last stop on a stripper’s career and where they recycle body glitter. Peter and Cynthia order a shot of tequila and, I really wish that I was joking right now, but it was served in a Dixie cup. Phaedra and Apollo arrive and Apollo explains that strip clubs are his “outlet” and then he starts yammering about how he doesn’t live within time restraints and time is for people who have to live by “a sector of the time scale”, which he does not. Phaedra rolls eyes, Peter and Cynthia look at him like he’s speaking Portuguese. He then goes off about how marriage has made he and Phaedra have forget who they really are and it’s making them bitter. He wants to go back to being the funny, “jovial” guy that he used to be, before juvie. Phaedra says she doesn’t feel comfortable in clubs, and as she says this, she screams to a stripper who has a Georgia Bulldog tattoo, which is Phaedra’s alma mater and she gives her all the tip money she had. Peter and Apollo decide to make it drizzle and they all have a good laugh at the gravity-challenged strippers.
In a brief moment, we see Nene prepping for an Ebony Magazine photo shoot. She is wearing a gown made of money, shouting “I’m rich, bitch!” I am a little disappointed that we didn’t get more air time on this segment, wah wah!
Everyone (except LA Nene) gathers at Peter’s place, Bar One. The ladies sip on a peach Moscato, which Cynthia is endorsing. Peter hauls out the real stuff and he and Apollo start shooting Don Julio. Kenya shows up in a yellow frock, which is fitting since she’s from planet bananas. As the men take more shots, Peter comments how Apollo loves his tequila, which prompts Apollo to discuss being in the tank for six years. Peter inquires further and Apollo reveals that he hadn’t gone outside in 16 months, then he volunteered for trash detail and when he got outside, he cried because he almost felt free for a moment. Props to Peter for becoming the new shit stirring housewife and keeping this shit fest interesting.
Walter finally shows up, blows right by Kenya and makes a beeline for the shots. Peter finally prods him to go say hello to Kenya and when he approaches her, they have the most painfully awkward exchange I have ever seen a fake couple have. He says he arrived about 10 minutes ago and was hanging with the guys. Kenya immediately levitates into full throttle, pedal to the medal, nitro burnin’ bitch mode, and decides they are leaving. But…not before Porsha can stop her at the most inopportune time to discuss their lack of friendship. Kenya pretty much dismisses her, tells Kordell to butt out, and leaves with Walter. When Porsha briefs Cynthia on the sitch, Kordell butts in again and tells Porsha if she apologizes one more time, he is going to have a problem with her. Porsha dismisses him as just being a drunk asshole at the moment, but Cynthia finds him to be freakishly controlling.
Peter broaches the divorce rumor with Apollo and he says they are not feeding into it, but he takes a moment to vent. “I’m dealing with a god damn beast man, my wife is on one million every day, high tempo.” Peter says marriage is a team sport and gives a football analogy that makes Kordell’s brain blow out. He doesn’t even get it, clearly the men need more shots. Apollo makes his way over to the ladies and cracks a joke about Phaedra divorcing him and then they proceed to eat each other’s faces off. Even Bedroom Kandi Coated Nights is appalled, she tells them to “get a room” and Apollo says they are like “porno stars in the bedroom.”
Kandi vomits on Derek J’s platform wedgies and Porsha motions and says “shots” to Kandi, which apparently explains away any bad behavior. Most of the couples are running with scissors tonight, except for Cynthia, which makes her feel much more confident in her own marriage.
Next week looks like Kenya and Walter bicker more while fly fishing. Fun. Times. Everyone have a safe and happy new year! See ya’ in 2013.