Gone With the Crazy

We pick up where we left, off with Phaedra about to kick Kenya’s ass for her inappropriate comments and pawing of Apollo.  Nene is highly suspect of Kenya’s behavior and she asks Kenya if her relationship with Walter is even real.  Kenya assures her that it is, but Nene ain’t buyin’ the bag o’ crazy this chick is sellin’.  As the gang files inside, Cynthia must remain predictable and she echoes what Nene said by gossiping with Porsha about the validity of Kenya’s relationship.  Kenya has been rubbing her junk ass booty all over every man, except alleged boyfriend Walter.  Kenya gives Phaedra a half-assed donkey booty apology and Phaedra tries to explain that this type of behavior is how rumors get started.  Plus, you’re 40 Kenya and you are not at a rave party.  Phaedra delivers a great line to the camera “put some ice in your panties, because it’s just not a good look for you.”  WORD!

Gregg announces that he is going to cook dinner and everyone has about 45 minutes to fluff, freshen, ice down their naughty bits, and get to the table.  Cynthia and Porsha continue to chat about Kenya and Porsha says “you got caught up in a sandwich!”  Cynthia did not realize that Kenya “dropped down” in front of Peter and she was “puttin’ some extra sauce on her sandwich.”  Cynthia decides to let it pass given the fact that everyone was having fun while dancing and she knows where Peter’s $5.00 foot long was last night.

The group settles in for dinner and Peter calls a man meeting to tell the guys that he planned a vow renewal and would like them all to be there.  Sidebar:  Walter’s ears are square, they have sharp angles.  I would think that would be a deal breaker for Kenya.  Anyhoo…Peter will surprise Cynthia by telling her they will go to a white party, because “black folks love white parties.”  I did not know this.  The guys are all in and Gregg even offers Peter two Viagra.  Wha…wha???

Gregg-Viagra

At dinner, Cynthia talks about pulling the “third shift” the night before and she is very tired.  Apparently, all the couples, except Walter and Kenya, were pulling all-nighter quality time.  Kandi and Todd had some hot tub time and we are reminded that Phaedra doesn’t do hot tubs that she has not personally sanitized.  Walter and Kenya sit with heads down, chewing on their snap pea salad and their body language suggests they have not gone beyond first base.  Finally, Walter pulls Kenya away from dinner and Kenya suspects that this is the “proposal”.  The gang jokes that they are off to have some alone time, but Nene comments that she hasn’t heard a peep out of them.  The group continues to joke about Kenya’s relationship and we flash back to Kenya’s inappropriate flirting with the owner of the hotel.  Walter braves some alone time with Kenya without a drink in his hand and he awkwardly tells her about the surprise vow renewal for Peter and Cynthia.  Kenya is disappointed to find out that she won’t be the bride.  Wah wah…we hope Walter sleeps with one eye open.

The next morning, Nene is in hair and makeup and she has invited the other ladies to partake in her staff’s services.  Nene presses Kenya for further details about Walter.  Her excuse is that Walter “thinks a lot and is laid back”.  I think “barely breathing and half in the bag” would be a better description.  Porsha enters the scene and Kenya continues to act like nothing happened between them.  Kenya leaves and Porsha advises Nene that she is keeping her distance because Kenya is “crazy as hell”.

Cynthia has arranged for pool side massages and Nene is having trouble undressing under the sheet.  She is a bit pissed off that she has to take off her jean shorts and bra, “Now I’m in bed, outside.  This is some bullshit.”

Nene-Massage

The ladies are finally relaxing and Nene broaches the marriage subject with Kandi, but quickly moves on to Kenya.  Kenya states that she and Walter had been talking about eloping and Nene tells the camera “Biiiiiiiitch, who are you in a relationship with?  Because it certainly ain’t nobody on this damn island.”  Nene keeps doubting the legitimacy of Kenya’s relationship and Kenya defends, saying they are both “different” and that is why it works.  Yes, different…if your definition of a “different” relationship is no chemistry and barely interested in one another.  Nene is like a damn dog with a bone and won’t back down on her opinion which ends up with Kenya saying “I don’t give a f*ck about what anybody think!”  Kenya assures us she “got this handled”…annnnnd scene!

The ladies take a bus ride to the alleged “white party” and Nene is reveling in the fact that Cynthia hates surprises.  Meanwhile, at Sandy Island, the preparations for the vow renewal are coming together.  Peter reflects on his first horrifying wedding with Cynthia and he is so happy to finally do this right, the way Cynthia originally wanted.  Cynthia is totally caught off guard, but once she gets over the fact that they will not be meeting the Prime Minister, they begin the touching ceremony.  Cynthia throws the bouquet and Nene dives in front of Kenya to catch it and Walter takes a celebratory Jager Bomb.  Each couple sends a wish lantern up into the sky and Kandi and Kenya’s lanterns both crash-n-burn, which Kandi takes as a bad sign.  Maybe Theresa Goo-duh-chay will send Peter and Cynthia a card… “Congratulations on your re-done wedding.”

Wedding

The ladies convene for a nightcap and of course Kenya waltzes in like a gentle breeze, twirling her nightgown from the Peaches-n-Cream Golden Girls Collection.  They rehash the vow renewal and Nene says she is happy they all took the trip and since she has heard so much shit about Kenya, she was glad to get to know her non-crazy side.  Annnnnd cue Porsha to bring up her first impression of Kenya and all the gory, but accurate, details. 

Kenya&Porsha

Phaedra watches with anticipation as she eats straight whipped cream out of a bowl delivering priceless facial expressions.  Kenya doesn’t want to talk about it and Porsha says Kenya is a “non-factor”, which sets Kenya off like explosive 2:00 a.m. Taco Bell diarrhea.  Porsha throws down the age card.  Insults, robes, glittered ponchos, and housecoats are flying…“hood rat”, “bitch”, “tramp”, “tamp with a tramp stamp”.  Nene tries to hold Kenya back, but more insults are hurled and as this argument progresses, Porsha keeps aging Kenya.  First, Kenya is 40, then she won her crown 20 years ago, then 30, and finally before Porsha was born.  If there are only 265 days in a year according to Porsha’s calendar, I don’t see how Kenya could be more than 12.  At least she acts like it.  Can someone please call SECURITY!  Nene finally gets the two wildebeests separated and Nene talks Kenya down.

Nene-Kenya

Trust her girlfriend, she speaks from experience, Nene has pulled enough wig-n-weave in her time while trying to find her way out of a billowy poncho.  You’re 40, put a lid on it, Detroit.  Kenya spews her final brilliant insult over Nene’s shoulder toward Porsha “read a book!”  Yeah, way to settle an argument!  Kenya proceeds to talk about her pedigree and continues twirling her peach majesty fantasy nightgown.  She reminds me of a little girl wearing her first billowy dress, allowing her to discover twirling for the first time.  This chick is bona-fide bat shit crazy and she needs a color consultation.  “I’m gone with the wind fabulous” Kenya says as she twirls her way out of the scene.

Kenya-Twirl

Uhhh…seriously, Kenya.  This is what we’re doing now?  Nene gets line of the night “I was like, uh, bitch…is it movie night?”  It looks like next week, Kenya’s fauxmance is gone with the tide.

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