We have a bit of unfinished business with Miss Kim, so we pick up where we left off at the brunch o’ lies-n-excuses. Kim makes a dramatic exit, shoving the camera and then Kroy jumps out of the car to her rescue and they shout “get that camera out of my f*ckin’ face”, they threaten a lawsuit, blah, blah, blah. Bitch puh-leaze, you signed a contract with Bravo to have your bullshit life taped. We revisit Kim’s confrontations throughout her housewife journey, who could forget black baby gate? Phaedra axing for documentation proving Kim is a nurse, and one of my personal favorites, Nene lunging over Kandi and Don Juan towards Kim’s throat on the tour bus. Nene says of Kim’s departure “Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.” So long Wiggs McGee, you won’t be missed since your life has taken a boring turn.
Back at the restaurant, Cynthia hypothesizes that Kim doesn’t have time for the group anymore due to her new family status, however “We all have kids, except Kenya, and we work it out.” Wow, that comment was like a hot poker in Kenya’s cold, black heart. Somewhere, Walter is sitting on a hippity hop in an empty apartment eating pork rinds, sucking on a Corona, and watching “The Three Stooges” on an old black and white TV. Don’t know why, but that is the impression I get from this guy. Speaking of the lifeless, dead in the eyes, chap, Kandi asks what Walter does for a living. As soon as Kenya reveals he is in the trucking business, Kandi realizes she knows him, but diplomatically plays it off “he’s friends with one of my best friends…” Nice save Kandi, it’s too early in the ep for Kenya to become completely unglued.
Kenya goes on to say her career in Hollywood is going well and Nene about whips her own head out of joint. In a masterstroke of bitchery, Nene pipes up says her album is dropping next week and she starts law school in the fall. God I love Nene, she is a sarcastic asshole extraordinaire. The ladies all have a good laugh and they joke about her new single titled “Excuses” and Nene will rock a baby bump in the video.
There is a brief scene with Mama Joyce and Kandi discussing Todd, but Kandi is playing Todd close to the vest. Mama Joyce admits she likes Todd, which is a good start. Kandi fills her in on Kim’s latest drama and Mama Joyce reminds us that Kim had her own mother escorted out of her wedding like a common criminal. While I appreciate Kandi’s ability to be understanding of the assholes who surround her, she has to realize that Kim was a shitty friend. Let’s not forget the “Tardy for the Party” debacle, which is now the theme song for Kim’s spin off. Kandi needs to cut her losses with wigs and move on.
Cynthia and Peter are waiting for Porsha and Kordell for dinner, only to find out that it’s Porsha only, Kordell won’t be showing up. Peter is disappointed as he has a man-crush on Kordell. Porsha suggests getting together the following week, perhaps Kordell can make it then, and Cynthia explains they are going to Anguilla. Cue invitation to invite Porsha on the hell bound Bravo trip. Cynthia tells Porsha that Kenya invited herself on the trip, so naturally Porsha should go. Good buildup to some drama, now these two newbies can go at it like cats in a pillowcase. Cynthia is all for it, “Any enemy of Kenya’s is a friend of mine.”
They arrive at the airport and Peter is like a giddy school girl meeting Sean Cassidy. Peter and Kordell have the makings of a fine Bromance. Kandi arrives sans Todd, and she is sporting a slick Jeri curl. Kenya arrives and gives Porsha a dis of epic proportion by totally ignoring her. As they all dig into the goody bags provided by Cynthia, Todd sneaks up behind Kandi and surprises her, now she won’t have to face the crazy alone. Cynthia films everyone on the flight with her flip cam and we learn two very valuable pieces of information: 1) Phaedra’s grits make Apollo have to “dookie” and 2) Kenya thinks she is on “The Bachelor” and hopes Walter is going to propose to her while in Anguilla. Ugh, I can’t with this girl. These two have about as much chemistry as Larry King and Snooki.
The gang boards a boat to their island and the captain lets Kenya drive. Ever the show off, she guns it and everyone is tossed about in the back of the boat. Cynthia’s boob tumbles out of her dress and Peter dives on top of it, Nene’s hair about takes flight, and drinks are spilling everywhere. Once on land, Nene, Greg, Peter, and Cynthia take a private car and the rest of the gang rides in the Rock of Love Bus. Throughout the bus ride, Kenya points out all the diamond stores and keeps hinting to Walter. He continues to rebuff her and rather than get the memo, she laughs it off.
They arrive at the hotel and Kenya immediately starts mouthing off about the “Junior Suite”, which is supposed to be a “Master Suite”. Apparently, all it is missing is a larger closet and a bathtub and since the bitch invited herself on the trip, she should be grateful she even has a room. While she lays on the bed, forlorn and having a meltdown into a pillow, Walter asks her if she took her medicine. Not sure if he’s joking, but this could be some interesting foreshadowing.
Meanwhile, leave it to Phaedra and Apollo to add some humor in the midst of this dismal mess. While in their “Master Suite”, they get into a comical debate about hot tub safety. Phaedra claims her doctor told her they were germ-infested cesspools and she is not going to mess with her “honey pot”. Apollo is just as susceptible, what with his “pee pee hole” and all, but everybody knows, Phaedra Parks simply does not have the time for bacterial vaginosis. Apollo, failing to understand any of this, calls the doc to verify this information and he backs up Phaedra. Do you hear this ABC and MTV???
The gang assembles by the pool and Kenya pushes Apollo in and receives a round of stink eye from the ladies. Apollo throws Kenya over his shoulder and jumps in the water with her. Phaedra is totally pissed and she’s got her trigger finger on the tazer! Walter is also in the pool floating around with his true love, his cocktail.
The next morning, Phaedra sends Kenya a message via her flawless, solid-chocolate donk wrapped in a thong and a fishnet mermaid dress. She needs to fight fire with fire and she has brought out the big guns buns.
They take three boat rides to another island and everyone goes their separate ways for some alone time. Kenya, the unhinged, continues to pressure Walter while they walk on the beach and suggests they elope. He chokes on the cherry in his bay breeze, gives her a brotherly kiss, and manages to allay the convo for three more days.
Kandi and Todd sit down for a drink and the waitress offers the drink menu “We have F*ck me Sideways, F*ck me Up, Get me Laid, Panty Dropper, and Margarita.” Did Kim write the menu? Kandi goes with a virgin colada and Todd goes sideways. No drama here, these two are having a nice time.
Phaedra has arranged a cultural extravaganza with the minister of tourism, and guess what, Kenya flirts with him too. They have a dance academy entertain and then the ladies join in to learn the dance moves. Nene reminds us of her stripper past “You ain’t teachin’ me nuttin’ new, I know all this shit, I been work in the pole for years”. Again, another reason to love Nene. Kenya does the Jersey turnpike in front of Peter, or as Phaedra calls it “Don’t rub yo’ funky booty up against his genetalia! Uckkkk!” Amen sista!
Kenya meets the general manager from another hotel and she flirts with him as well. All this girl needs is a penis and a pulse. Jeff is a tall Filipino man and Kenya asks if he is married (yes, wah wah) and if he wants to donate sperm to create a Black/Filipino baby (uh no…you psycho hose beast). She admits she is trying to get a rise out of Walter “in more ways than one”, but she is failing miserably on both counts. Walter can barely seem to muster up a shit. I’ll whip out one of my ol’ classics here, Kenya, if desperation and neediness were attractive, they would be Calvin Klein fragrances. Get a grip, girl!
Phaedra is clearly annoyed with Kenya at this point and to add insult to injury, Kenya saunters up, throws her arms around her and Apollo and asks which two friends Phaedra would agree to give Apollo a “free pass to have fun with”. Phaedra’s face says it all and she tells the camera “don’t put yo’ paws on Apollo!” Amen again, sista. She tells Kenya to move along before she gets pissed off. I have to give Phaedra props for keeping her cool, for now.
Next week it looks like there is a wedding (vow renewal) and Nene and Kenya finally scrap with a dash of Porsha thrown in.