Booty Call

We start this week with a continuation of Kim’s moving ordeal, which is over played.  If she would actually move her ass instead of standing in various doorways complaining about it, she might actually make some progress.  What is humorous about this moving segment is that Kimmy has thrown in a new twist to veil the real reason she must move…all the sudden the “Dream Home” has turned into the “Haunted Mansion”.  Kim is just trying to take an embarrassing situation and dip it in magic shell to make herself look like less of an idiot, which I don’t think is possible at this point.  Kim stands in yet another doorway arguing with Sweetie about not having her necessities for her hair, makeup, and washing her ass.  This sends Kim into a tailspin and her head starts turning around and she takes it out on the movers in the basement.  They are throwing her already ill-organized stuff into boxes and labeling them “basement mix”, which sounds like a bad mixed tape you may have made in the ‘80’s.  In one box, she finds a Margarita maker Santa Claus statue and in another box, we have a car seat and lampshades.  After Kim goes off, Sweetie lectures her about being a bit more courteous to the movers.  Nene gets a moment off camera where she breaks it down for the audience, the truth is Kim can’t afford the house so now she claims it is “Hunted”.  Haunted…Hunted…Tomato…Tomahto!

Meanwhile, across town, Phaedra takes Ayden for a haircut.  Ayden keeps saying “I’m sleepy!” which is code for leave me the hell alone.  Maybe that’s where Kim learned that, anytime shit gets complicated, she needs a nap.  We learn here that repo man, nutritionist, fitness trainer, Apollo, is a master barber by trade.  The work release program at the Georgia Department of Corrections must be excellent.  While Ayden squirms in the barber chair, Phaedra discusses the upcoming $20,000 burfday party experience.  Yes, you read that right…Burfday.  Ayden is turning two, so they must feel the need to spend $10K for each year.  Apollo finishes Ayden’s haircut, which makes me wonder why they took him to a barber shop when they could have done it at home.

While Kim is in the midst of a nervous breakdown, our girl, Kandi is leisurely unpacking her stuff and tells Mama Joyce how Kim dissed her new neighborhood.  Kandi gets the line of the night “At least all the people in my neighborhood OWN their homes.”  Oooh…burn Kim, burn!

Porsha gets a small, excruciating segment, where she discusses the difference between Miss USA, Miss America, wha?  Hubby Kordell points out that it was janked up of his wifey to introduce Kenya with the incorrect title, but he hits the nail of dysfunction on the head when he chalks up Kenya’s anger to something deeper.  Porsha is happy to throw the seeds of “low self-esteem” at Kenya’s issues, but Kordell is right…Kenya’s issues run deep.

Kenya “Cray Cray” Moore is taking Walter to meet her aunt Lori, uncle Mark, and cousin Milan.  Kenya seems to have a bit of laryngitis during this scene, PRAISE JESUS!  Walter bills himself as the “Martin Luther King of towing.”  Really, this is what we’re doing now?  Kenya’s cousin, Shay, is a chef at the restaurant where they are dining and she comes out to meet Walter.  Shay asks how they met, but the stories are a bit different.  Walter downplays the whole ordeal, said they met via a mutual friend while they were bowling.  Kenya insists he chased her for a while, in her dream.  Walter has no recollection of this and aunt Lori sides with him.  Kenya throws stink eye and as they discuss marriage, Walter makes it clear that he doesn’t want to rush things.  The fam loves him and his ol’ fashioned values but methinks he and Kenya are not only not on the same page, they are not reading the same book.

We are treated to a reprise of Dwight, experience coordinator extraordinaire, with an even more janked up nose.   He has planned Ayden’s second burfday party at the aquarium.  Phaedra and family make a grand entrance with a marching drum band and they ride in on a train, the Hot Mess Express.  In some bizarre southern tradition, Kandi attaches $100 bill to Ayden’s shirt with a binder clip.  Shocker of the night, Kim calls, Phaedra puts her on speaker, and Kim can’t make it to the party.  Phaedra and Kandi say things to stroke her battered, evicted, ego and then proceed to talk shit as soon as they hang up.  Dwight moves the guests to phase two of the burfday party, which is a private dolphin show that Phaedra equates to Broadway.  Everyone is falling asleep and Dwight is poking his botoxed cheeks in order to stay awake.

Kim still dicking around with her move and Kandi comments to the camera that Kim should have kept the “dream home” debacle on the DL instead of engaging in a twitter war with the land lord.  It’s bad publicity for the wife of an Atlanta Falcons Football player.  Kim sits her ass in the kitchen and chalks it up to “the higher you climb, the more people want to tear you down.”  I think it’s more like, the less often you pay your bills, the more your land lord wants your ass out on the curb, pregnant or not.  Sweetie is the shocking, ball busting voice of reason here, cracking down on the movers and making a small bit of progress.  Kim’s daughter Ariana finds an empty cardboard box, which could be foreshadowing of what her future home will be like.  The smart kid decides to meditate in said box and stay the hell out of crazy Kim’s way.

Cynthia and Nene meet for lunch and Nene revisits the run in with Kim and Sweetie at the “Let’s gush over Nene’s success party.”  Is it just me, or are these party themes getting out of hand?  Nene does an impression of Kim and yammers on about her excuses for moving, the dream home is “hunted”.  Hunted, hunted, hunted…Nene says it enough times, I start to believe it’s hunted.  Nene swiftly changes gears and informs Cynthia that Phaedra hates her guts and she has the incriminating voice mail to prove it!  Phaedra apparently butt dialed a mutual friend of her and Nene’s and left a message saying “I don’t give a f*ck about Cynthia coming to Ayden’s party.”  Cynthia needs to hear it one more time, “she really said I don’t give an F-U-C-K about her coming.”  Phaedra is caught red butt handed.  Cynthia thought they were cool after the dust up between Peter and Apollo, but apparently not.  Cynthia and Nene bag on Phaedra, “I don’t drink, smoke, curse, I just walk around with my prayer cloth and sit here with my hands clasped.”  Nene hollers “Lord Jeezuz where’s Willie Watkins!”  The two have a good time poking fun at Phaedra, but Cynthia plans to call her out.

We learn a bit more about Porsha, she has younger sister, Lauren.  Lauren is six years younger and they are competitive.  They take on a climbing rock wall and Lauren smokes her like a crack pipe while Porsha falls to the ground screeching about her va-jay-jay be painin’.

Shift back to bat-shit Crazy Kenya feverishly stabbing at two frozen dinners and dumping pre-prepared salad in a bow.  Walter is eminent and she hides the Trader Joe’s bag of evidence.  She even has the audacity to put some of the cooked pasta in a frying pan to give the appearance that she cooked the meal.  Sheesh…EVERYBODY KNOWS…you don’t cook pasta in a frying pan.  This chick is full-blown bunny boiling psycho and she will do whatever it takes to get Walter to put a ring on it. 

Walter arrives in his “DeKalb Auto Towing” shirt and they descend the steps to dine outside.  Kenya freaks about the sounds of the bugs and frogs, but really she knows they are chanting some secret frog message to Walter advising him to GET OUT WHILE HE STILL CAN!  She perpetuates her bullshit lies and claims she would stab at frozen meal trays like a serial killer cook a fabulous dinner for him every night.  She drones on about how much time it took her to make this meal…what part of YOU ARE ON CAMERA are we not getting?  The rest of the dinner convo goes like this “I want a baby like yesterday, laser focus, no pressure, not ovulating, trying to be subtle!”  This bitch is like an oxymoron stream of consciousness.  She drops hints about wanting to be preggo in five and a half months and Walter responds “keep on drinking boo, keep on drinking.”  Translation, I have no plans on marrying you, you nitro burnin’ hose beast.

Cynthia and Phaedra meet for a drink and Cynthia presents her with a burfday gift for Ayden and proceeds to call her out.  Cynthia confronts about the butt dial, carefully spelling out the curse word, which I think is funny.  Phaedra quickly deploys the first lesson from law school, deny, deny, deny.  Cynthia offers to play the voice message, and Phaedra defers to the second lesson of law school, “I don’t know, I don’t recall.”  Cynthia gives her the death glare and Phaedra finally pulls her chute, “Hmmm… somethin’ bit me on the boob, do you see that!?!?!”  Cue Cynthia eye roll, annnnnd scene.  Score one point for Phaedra her “somethin’ bit me” diversion tactic.  Minus two for Cynthia for not having the sack to steer Phaedra back on confrontation course.

The Zolciak clan arrives at the rinky dink Townhome and it’s a hot ass disaster with more shit-n-wigs everywhere.  Kim and Sweetie hog down on donuts and Kim waxes philosophical about how God has bigger, better plan for her.  The moving truck arrives with her dead palm trees and murdered plants, and this is a living breathing example of cutting off your medically altered nose to spite your botoxed face.

Next week drama starts to percolate with Kim shoving cameras and Kenya flirting with Apollo.

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