Two Scoops of Poise

We start episode three with Nene, so far she has had the opening sequence on all episodes this season.  I’m sure the break out star has it in her contract with Bravo and she is clearly Andy Cohen’s favorite housewife.  Nene and Gregg are at “Prim and Polished” getting manis and pedis.  Gregg is trying to woo her still, he drops the “L” bomb, annnnnd cue eye roll from Nene.  He is complaining about the foot water being too hot, it’s so hot you could boil a chicken.  Because.  That’s.  Romantical.  Nene is headed out to NYC and Gregg asks her for a key, not only to her house, but to her heart.  Cue eye roll #2 and throw in a little vomit in mouth for good measure.  He flaunts his heart shaped key ring, there are two silver keys, for the front and back door, and one gold key, for his heart.  His heart, which is gold, and old, and desperate for Nene now that she is a D-List celeb.  He recites a poem he wrote “I want a key to your door, like I never have before!”  Nene tells him to “keep it real”, and she will make him a list of things he needs therapy for.  “Change will get you a key”, she tells him, which spurs another poem.  “This time I’m going to do it right because again, I will make you my wife.  Runtelldat.”  Miss Nene has no intention on running or telling dat to anyone.  The whole time, the pedicurist is cracking up at this shit show.  Gregg commandeers the lotion from the pedicurist and starts massaging Nene’s feet.  Lawrence walks in as Nene is about to die from embarrassment.  Lawrence doles out some advice, “be sincere and genuine, and you wait on the universe to respond back.”  Gregg likes the “elementary” knowledge and threatens to write another impromptu poem.

Meanwhile, at Phaedra’s House of Booty, Apollo is fixing a snack and he tells Phaedra he received his certification for being a nutrition specialist and a personal trainer.  I guess the funeral gig isn’t going to pan out for him, but now he can assist her with the donkey booty workout video.  What won’t can’t these two do?!?!?!?  Phaedra wants the video to be for beginners so she doesn’t have to sweat and let her hair go into “stages of Afro-isms.”  Her concern is that Apollo will go all “Arnold Schwarzenegger on baf salts” during the work out.  (yes, you read that right…baf salts).  Apollo goes on about something about black people having big butts because of Brazil and something something…Phaedra says she was born with a donkey booty, she asked for “two scoops”.

Meanwhile in da’ ghetto, Kim, Sweetie, and Kroy continue to squat and act like they are not being evicted.  Kim finally concludes that they will go back to Big Papa’s the townhouse.  Kim is dictating notes to Sweetie, telling her to “rip every last mother f*cking flower out of this house”.  Kim can’t take all this move talk any longer she needs to go get some pizza and retire to her room.  At this point, Kim really should move off the show.  She is boring these days and if she isn’t acting ass bag crazy, get her off my TV.

Finally, we meet our newest housewife who has arrived to the series fashionably late.  Picture perfect Porsha Williams is married to Kordell Stewart, she’s very rich bitch, and she’s as vapid as they come.  Good thing I set my sights low, that way I won’t be disappointed.

Kenya meets with Porsha and right out of the gate Kenya insults the café they are having lunch in.  Bitch, puh-leaze.  Porsha explains that she is the granddaughter of the founder of the Hosea Williams foundation.  Her grandfather was Martin Luther King Jr.’s right hand man.  Being a celebrity, Kenya is happy to oblige Porsha’s request to attend her upcoming benefit for the foundation.  Porsha takes a left turn at Valley Girl and Dumb Hooker and starts asking like personal questions about like marriage and like children.  Kenya wants to stab Porsha in the neck with her fork.  Seriously, Kenya is visibly rattled by the marriage-n-baby like conversation.  She should be, when she broached that subject with Walter at dinner the other night, he proceeded to dump a gallon of tequila down his throat and it went less than stellar.  She has all her eggs in one non-committal basket, pun intended.  Porsha tells Kenya she wants to be done having her babies by age 35 and Kenya gets the “unhinged” look in her eye.

It’s the same look she gave Walter when he said he asked Kandi out in the dark ages.  Porsha offers to get some info from her aunt who is 45 and is seeing an Asian fertility doctor.  Kenya immediately orders everything on the dessert menu as she listens to Porsha drone on about the event.  It will be women only, but Kenya gives her a push otherwise in case there are men that would like to come and donate sperm to Kenya’s cause to the Hosea Williams Foundation.

However, our little Porsha insists, women only women in power, women with influence, women in spanx.  Great, we know where this crazy wonder woman train is headed.  Kenya talks about the other ladies she will invite, but Porsha is familiar with Kandi, Nene, and Phaedra.  Those bitches come, take pictures, and leave.  Porsha asks Kenya her to wear her tiara and “satchel” and Kenya tells her “hell no” that shit will cost her extra.  Kenya pegs Portia as the cheerleader type and give us her best valley girl impression.

Cynthia and Nene are in NYC and they sit in the hotel room and gush over Nene’s success.  Nene says “the higher I go the less I have to concern myself with petty jealous people, like Kim.”  You know what else Nene is not concerned about?  Reprising those Fred Flintstone bong water grey pajamas for the second episode in a row.  Cynthia is already talking Emmy nomination for Nene as hair and makeup arrive to apply more makeup and do more hair.  Cynthia is determined to get Nene to ride the subway instead of taking a car service.  She wants Nene to see NYC the “broke” way.  Nene concedes, but she draws the line at eating a hotdog on street and trading her spiked Louboutins for flats.  Cynthia – minus one for acting like a dorky tourist.  Plus one for Nene – I would rather be chauffeured around NYC in a Town Car too, have you been on the subway?

Kandi is getting around to packing up her Grammys and framed platinum records to move to her new house because a tenant is moving into the old house.  She is very rich, bitch because she didn’t have to sell the old house.  Heck, she could have rented the old house to Kim and then evicted her just for shits and giggles.  Kandi’s Uncle Robert is on hand talking about various crazy things like lifting a refrigerator by himself using a “hump strap” and then Kandi finds one of her “Bedroom Kandi” boxes in the mess of things.  Uncle Robert says he would have no need for her product, he subscribes to taking “boar hog root”, it’s better than Viagra, he claims.  WTMI Uncle Robert, WTMI.

Phaedra meets her new bestie, Kenya, at a bar and where they drink and eat gelato.  Kenya is screaming “barkeep” over and over in her outdoor irrational skank voice.  What’s with the old timey words Kenya, Barkeep?  Were you born in 1920?  Anyhoo…Phaedra tells the camera she likes Kenya even though “she’s an odd bird”.  Phaedra embraces the crazy, because hell, she’s a bit bat shit her own self.  Phaedra speaks of her workout video and Kenya jumps in and offers to film it because after all, she has her own production company.  Do I smell a recipe for trouble a cookin’?.  They start talking about having kids and Kenya tells Phaedra her story.  Given up by her psychotic mother, raised by her grandmother, terrible things done to her.  I want to feel bad for Kenya, but her abhorrent behavior makes it hard.  Kenya claims she has worked through her anger and said she used to be hell on wheels.  Really, used to be?  Kenya discusses pushing Walter in the direction of marriage and family and Phaedra says “hey, a closed mouth don’t get fed.”  Kenya leaves out the part about going bunny boiling psycho on Walter when he spoke about asking Kandi to go out for a milk shake in 1982, but seriously, she’s ready for a mature, committed relationship.

Meanwhile, back in NYC, Nene is on the subway and about to vomit, but some kids from a performing arts school recognize her from “Glee” and Nene perks up and tells them to follow their dreams-n-shit.  Cynthia and Nene disembark after two stops and Cynthia chows down on a hot dog from a street vendor.  Wah wah…these two are boring the hell outta me.

Kenya arrives at Porsha’s event with her overblown ego and her friend named “Kanya”.  All she needs now is Kanye to show up, oh wait, no men allowed.  Except for Porsha’s hubby, Kordell, who shows up with a Chanel Bag for Porsha and a donation.  Porsha does kick him out and then she stammers through her unrehearsed valley girl speech and she makes a huge blunder by introducing Kenya as Miss America 1993.  Kenya corrects her, “Miss USA” and is clearly annoyed.  She equates it to introducing Michelle Obama as the First Lady of Zimbabwe.  I equate this to Kenya grasping at the straws of relevance.

Porsha notices Kenya’s disdain, then Kenya leaves claiming she is too cold.  Kenya calls Lawrence and squawks “that heffer called me Miss America!”  Porsha walks up on the shade throwing and goes back in, but then comes back out again and they start arguing.  Kenya calls her event “whack” and they argue about who is being more disrespectful. 

I can understand Kenya being a bit miffed that Porsha couldn’t even get her title correct, and the event was a tad hokey, but isn’t a Miss USA supposed to handle these situations with grace and poise.  Isn’t that the first rule of pageantry…POISE COUNTS!  If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye.  Now if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times – poise counts!  It’s just as important as the others.  Swimsuit!  Evening wear!  Talent!  POISE!  (See Seinfeld, The Chaperone – It’s a classic!)

A somewhat uneventful episode, but certainly setting the stage for drama.  Next week, looks like a donkey booty butt dial starts a fresh controversy.

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