Ham and Cheese

We begin this week with Andy Cohen’s America’s favorite housewife, Nene.  She is gearing up for the L.A. Pride Parade and her fans are out in droves as she throws “I’m Very Rich” tee shirts to the crowd.  As the heat from the L.A. sun beats down on her in the back of “The New Normal” convertible, it melts the ice around her cold, black heart…she gets a bit emotional at all of the fanfare and recognition and it actually seems sincere.

Meanwhile at the corner of Peachtree and Peachtree, Kandi and Phaedra hook up at the BBB Bottle Bar Buckhead.  Kandi has invited Kenya to join them so they can immerse themselves in crazy.  When Kenya shows up, the first thing Phaedra zeroes in on is her big ol’ donkey booty.  Phaedra makes tactical error number one and calls her “Miss America”.  Sheesh Phaedra, NOBODY CARES EVERYBODY KNOWS she was Miss USA!  Get it straight, girlfriend.  Kenya mentions she is originally from Detroit and Phaedra says “so you will go ham and cheese on somebody”.  Translation:  She’ll cut a bitch.  They get into a perfectly scripted discussion about the JET Beauty of the Week judging at Cynthia Bailey Agency.  Kenya said Cynthia didn’t speak up, but her little minion did.  She has no shame in admitting that she was all like… “bitch please” and had her security guard throw Cynthia’s assistant out.  Gay assistants who weigh 105 pounds are a real threat to this beauty queen!  At least she recounts her behavior somewhat accurately, so you can’t call this psycho self-unaware.  She stands in her truth crazy.  Phaedra sucks up the drama like filling from an oversized éclair and tells us this is the funniest shit she has heard all day.  Kenya equates Cynthia to the scarecrow looking for brain and Phaedra says “I am enjoying you!”  Yes for now, until she sinks her teeth in to your man like a rabid meerkat.  Previews lead us to believe Kenya sets her sights on Apollo, but that could all be editing.  More will be revealed…

Meanwhile Kim plays with KJ for 2.8 seconds before sending him off with the nanny for a nap.  Sidebar:  KJ is a spitting image of Kroy.  Kim and Sweetie take a meeting in Kim’s office to break down the housing situation.  Yes, Kim the unemployed, has an office, I guess she uses it to count her wig money.  Sweetie, the unexpected voice of reason, suggests that Kim go back to live in her townhouse.  Kim is very concerned, it’s not the 70,000 square feet she’s grown accustomed to waddling around in.  The townhouse doesn’t have a pool, a basketball court, or doorways wide enough fit her head through!  She would rather rent the top floor of the “W” Hotel.  Spoken like a true homeless person.  All of this crazy talk of Kim living in such squalor has tuckered her out she calls for her nanny, she needs a nap.

Kenya greets her aunt Lori, who brings flowers and Kenya immediately criticizes them and calls them Wal-Mart flowers.  Kenya shows Lori her office and explains how she will hang pictures of herself everywhere.  Lori calls it “narcissistic but that’s you!”  The pair sit down over champagne and strawberries to discuss Kenya’s love life.  Lori is pissed that she hasn’t met Walter yet and they have been dating two years.  Lori brings up Eric, “a real man”, and Kenya defends Walter and turns on the water works.  Disapproving Lori is not yet immune to crocodile tears, and she caves in “if you like him, I’ll like him”.

Cynthia, Nene, and Phaedra all get together for a faux-workout with Dexter the trainer.  Nene shows up in grey pajamas and no shoes.  After about two minutes, they’re all exhausted and they cop a squat on a germ ridden floor mat and sip Perrier.  Cynthia wants to throw a “Women in Power” party for Nene and even Kim will be invited.  Nene inquires on the status of Kenya, asking “Who is she what she all about?”  Nene’s shampoo girl spotted Kenya, Phaedra, and Kandi and the bar having lunch.  Cynthia gives her version of how the Jet casting went and asks Phaedra what was said about her at the lunch.  Cynthia gives Phaedra a sassy smirk, and Phaedra responds “I’m not one for gossip…”  Nene puts her eyeballs back in her head and Phaedra brings up Miss America.  Nene gets line of the night so far “Child, where was she miss America honey, how many years ago was that, this year is 2012!”  Phaedra wants them to give Kenya the benefit of the doubt but Cynthia is a no go.  Everybody knows there’s two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth.  Word up sista!  Dexter returns after running 12 miles to tell them social time is over.  Now Dexter, you know they only came to the gym to gossip and so Phaedra could make her ass wink at you.

Kim and Kroy take a romantic dinner on a docked boat for her birthday.  He has all of her favorite hillbilly foods and Dr. Pepper on ice.  Kim has decked herself out in an ace bandage and a skirt.  He gives her a gift, which is the diamond bracelet she wore on their wedding day.  The bracelet was her “something borrowed” and Kroy spent that last rent payment on it, so it is no longer borrowed.  They have no home, can’t afford to take the boat for a cruise, but he’s buying expensive jewelry.  Whatevs…the birthday scene is so hillbilly, in case you missed it…

Kenya and Walter sit down for their own romantic dinner and she tells him a story about a big black snake she encountered while hiking and she immediately called her aunt Lori.  Somehow she Oprahed the situation into being a sign that Kenya is adjusting well to change.  She’s 40 years plus and she wants to see where she and Walter are going.  Sidebar:  up close Kenya has horrible skin, either that or a blind makeup artist.  

Walter keeps raising eyebrows, pulling faces, and taking triple shots of tequila.  Kenya asks him about skeletons in his closet and he tells her he “axed out Kandi, but she shut me down.”  This sends Kenya into complete and total orbit.  He doesn’t see what the big deal is because Kandi turned him down.  However, in Kenya Land, this is even worse because now Kandi has that juicy nugget in her back pocket.  Kenya gives him some big ass speech about big asses and tells the waitress to pack her food to go.  Walter is wishing with every fiber of his being that he hadn’t told her this and he says “pump the brakes”.  There are no breaks Walter, this bitch is careening down the crazy trail.  Kenya leaves for several minutes and finally returns from pouting in the bathroom.  Walter placates her with sweet talk and as soon as he says he loves “all that chocolate” she melts, pun intended.  Her face looks like a Nestle Crunch bar that’s been in the sun too long.  They toss another half-gallon of tequila down their gullets and call it a night.  Something tells me we may see Kenya portrayed on an episode of “Snapped”.

Kandi and Todd welcome Phaedra over to their new home and we learn that Phaedra is afraid of dogs, but only live ones.  Phaedra is very excited about the new home and responds completely opposite of how Kim did during her visit.  The two get to talking about the faux-workout Phaedra had with Nene and Cynthia and she throws out the invite to the “Women in Power Party”.  Kandi has a laugh, if the party is for powerful women, she better be there.

The power party is “very highbrow and very pedestrian”, Phaedra says.  They wait around hours for Cynthia and Nene to show up.  Nene has a wardrobe malfunction and Cynthia has no excuse.  Kim and Sweetie arrive and get pissed off and bored within 45 seconds.  Kim is sneaking out and runs into Nene and it’s a Mexican standoff at the elevator.  Nene tries to convince her to stay for a few minutes and Kim finally concedes, but says she must “go Tee Tee first”.  Then Kim and Sweetie bolt out the door like assess.

The rest of the ladies gather by the pool and Cynthia gives a toast to Nene while Kenya mercilessly mocks her the entire time.  Cynthia calls Nene a “real grinder” and I am not sure what that means.  Is Nene a hoagie, is she a slutty dancer, is she a gay man lookin’ for love in aisle four of Wal-Mart?  I’m so confused.  Kenya grabs the microphone and says “enough of the clown show” and gives her own speech.  In all the years of housewives, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a new castmate behave so ballz out, over the top, obnoxious.

Kenya then takes Nene aside to make sure that they can be BFF despite her and Cynthia’s rough start.  Cynthia pops over like Honey Boo Boo on Go Go Juice and Kenya calls her a “talking head”.  Cynthia hits Kenya where it hurts (her age) and asks her what year she was Miss America (ahem…she wasn’t) and if she was before or after Vanessa Williams (1983).  Nene tells us that Cynthia can “read people, I mean reeeaaad!”  Cynthia demonstrated that by zinging Kenya about her age, and it was actually a good one.  Nene gives a quick, blunt speech, and high tails it out.  Could our Nene really have turned over a new leaf?  Looks like next week the new housewife shows up to tangle with Kenya.

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