Welcome back ATL fans…oh how I have missed these crazy broads and now we have two new ones to boot. Let’s start by remembering our fallen housewife, She by Shereé. The ride was good while it lasted honey, but if I had to look at your man face and listen to you talk about the pile of dirt that is Chateau by Shereé and your ill-fated clothing line for one more season, I might stab myself. And thank goodness, we are rid of the insidious Marlo, although she was never a real housewife!
We have some new tag lines for the opening this year. Nene has arrived, Kandi is small, but her empire keeps on growing, Cynthia knows that beauty fades, but class is forever (Tell that to the countess!) Kim asks, believes, and got herself a wide receiver (actually a defensive tight end), and Phaedra is still our southern gal…brains, booty, and all business. Kenya Moore is the latest addition and she is letting us know up front, she won Miss USA, not miss congeniality! And boy does she set out to prove it in the season 5 opener.
We catch up with Nene and Gregg, he comes in the front door with some mail and he is reciting her catch phrase from last season “I’m rich bitch!” I’m guessing there was a Trump check in the mail. He wants Nene to “kiss the mail man” and he says she has a “beautiful back, but I need to see yo’ front”. Eww…Gregg…Just…Eww. Can’t you two just go back to having tension ridden stare downs while sitting at the breakfast nook? What is all of this gratuitous fawning??? Apparently, Nene and Gregg are “dating”, whatever that means. I think it’s more like “estranged spouses with benefits” if that is even a valid status. Nene discusses her plans, which don’t include Gregg. She’s got the bug and she is going to move to L.A. to shoot her new show “The New Normal”. Sidebar: If you have a chance to check out “The New Normal”, it is quite funny, but Nene is a minor player here. The real stars of the show are Ellen Barkin and Andrew Rannells.
But I digress, Nene’s commentary about the “New Nene Normal” wouldn’t be complete without a Kim insult, she said she will move into her trailer where Kim was raised, oops…where she will shoot the new show. Nene and Gregg review the status of their relationship and what went wrong we are treated to a flashback of Kandi and Kim listening to a sound byte of Gregg trash talking his then wife on the radio, saying she squandered $300K of his money and that she turned into a fame whore. Slightly fightin’ words…however, Gregg vows to get his “sexy back” and to not only get Nene back, but to see her front. If that wasn’t repulsive enough, let’s throw in some platitudes Greggy, “We may have given out but we didn’t give up.” He asks for a house key so he doesn’t have to ring the bell like a UPS man but, Nene laughs at him and exits stage left. Sidebar: What’s up with Nene’s crazy wig from the Brett Michael’s collection? In case you missed it…
Kandi sits down to dinner with her new boyfriend Todd. Her boo, her love, all of that and above. And can we just say America, he is foyyyyyynne! Kandi spoke about him briefly at the reunion last year and Todd was part of the production crew during last season’s Africa trip. At dinner, they talk about moving into their new house, marriage, and children. Todd and Kandi have one daughter each so they would like to have a son together and name him Kash, which Kandi points out is also how they paid for their house, in cash. Now who’s rich, bitch? Actually, we’ve known that Kandi is the richest one on the cast, her net worth is about $35 million. Sidebar: We learned at the reunion last season that Kim was pregnant again and she has since had the baby and named him Kash. Hopefully Kim’s stupidity will save Kandi from giving her child a ridiculous name and they will name him something sensible like “Icouldbuyandsellyoubeeyotch”. In all seriousness, happy for Kandi and thankful she is keepin’ it real!
Speaking of Kim, we catch up with her and she is wearing the same shirt as Nene, bright blue with shoulder cutouts. Foreshadowing? Will this dynamic duo of hate reunite this season? Kim is opening presents for KJ’s first birthday and she receives a card from her parents with a $25 check. She tosses it aside and we learn that she has not spoken to them since her over the top wedding where Kim practically threw her mother out for using the indoor bathroom. Kim should have known better, it’s hard to smoke meth in a port-o-potty no matter how crafty you are. We see that Kim has also re-hired Sweetie the Slug and they are prepping to move, again. The house they are renting and were planning on buying apparently appraised for 1 million less than the asking price and the evil landlord, Kendra the decorating witch, will not extend the lease. They need to move in two weeks or be evicted. Kim receives a call from a moving organizer with a quote on moving costs of $101,000.00. She laughs herself right off her chair and calls him a douche. Kroy is kneeling at the counter, shoveling corn chip rounds and jarred salsa into his mouth and doesn’t seem to care much. He’s ready to knock Kim off her pedestal, return it to Rent-A-Center, pack up the Escalade with only what it can hold, and just drive. Kim can’t deal with all of this activity, she has a headache and needs a nap.
Phaedra and her donkey booty visit a veterinarian to discuss her next business venture. Phaedra does not want to limit the mortician business to just people, she wants to expand it to everything that can be buried. Phaedra explains to the vet that she’s from the old school, her dogs “just went for shots and just kind of died”. She doesn’t really know what they did with the dead pets, for all she knows they could be laying in the creek. She tells the vet she wants to be the go to source for any of her clients that have a need for a pet funeral. The beleaguered veterinarian smiles, “It’s a deal, let me show you out.” Annnnnndddd…scene!
Cynthia and Peter are getting ready for dinner and her ex-husband, Leon, comes down the stairs to join them. Peter decides he wants to heat up some leftovers instead of eating Cynthia’s meal and she flips her lid. Leon lectures them, “why don’t you two act like you got company?!?!?” Leon asks Cynthia about their daughter Noelle’s schooling and she explains she is still being home schooled because Noelle was not flourishing at school and was sad every day. Weren’t we all sad about going to school every day when we were 12? What is truly sad here is the thought of Cynthia homeschooling anyone. Let me guess, lesson number one: Friendship Contracts, The Do’s and Don’ts. Leon wants Noelle in regular school and be around other kids. Cynthia implies that Leon is not around enough to be making these kinds of judgment calls and they decide to ask Noelle what she wants to do. Noelle lays it down, “I never wanted to be homeschooled in the first place, I want to go back to school!” Leon: 1 and Cynthia: minus 10 for being so out of touch with her daughter.
Kenya meets with Lawrence, who seems to have quickly forgotten about his fallen comrade, She by Shereé. Kenya gushes over how good he looks and he attributes it to “eating properly and a combo of stress and bullshit.” Kenya contemplates the chicken queso soup and asparagus fries and her boyfriend, Walter. Walter sports a 1990’s hi-top fade haircut and he wants to get married, but she’s been proposed to six times and she could ever take the next step. Her and her 7,000 square-foot house in the country are very happy together. Kenya, never tiring of talking about Kenya, tells us she is an actor, producer, author, director, a hustler, a model, and the second black woman to be crowned Miss USA. She’s a tough girl but “don’t let the Louboutin’s fool you, I will beat a bitch down.” Now there’s a tagline! Kenya Moore makes Marlo Thompson look like a cuddly kitty cat. Kenya moved from L.A. back to Atlanta so she can be on the show cultivate her personal life. Turns out Kenya was raise by her aunt. Kenya’s mom never acknowledged that she even had a child. This should make for some juicy television, but that is actually very sad and explains her fear of commitment. Nevertheless, Kenya reveals her ultimate goal is to get Walter to put a ring on it. Nice stank face…
Kim and sweetie arrive at Kandi and Todd’s new home for a visit. Kim is literally bitching right out of the gate…really…she is bitching about how only one side of the gate opens to allow her to drive up to the house. Kim and Sweetie the Slug spill out of the land rover, which is filled with judgment, bitterness, and resentment. Kim is already commenting about how the house was a foreclosure, it’s in da’ hood, and she is appalled that Kandi doesn’t already have the entire home re-done. I guess when Kandi finishes the home, Kim will send her a card saying “Congrats on your re-done home”. (Shout out to bitter, feuding cast members of RHNJ!)
Anyhoo…Kandi gives Kim and Sweetie the Slug a full tour and the insults are tossed around freely. Kandi takes them over to the guest house (yes, it’s actually two houses) and admits that she is getting a little peeved at Kim’s comments, but it’s likely that Kim is jealous because Kandi is moving into her own dream home and Kim’s dream home is becoming a nightmare. Kandi shows them the indoor pool and Kim exclaims “well that’s perfect, you don’t need sun. If I was black I have an indoor pool too!” Not. At. All. Racist. Kim announces her brilliant plan it to stay in her home and let Kendra evict. Kandi points out it will occur right after the baby comes, but Kim is nonplussed, chaos follows her wherever she waddles.
Nene takes a meeting with Ryan Murphy, a real director/producer. They workshop some ideas for Nene’s character on “The New Normal” and she reveals that she’s dating Gregg again, that’s her new normal. Ryan is really interested in writing that story line into the show. Nene Leakes practically writes herself. Nene decides it would be fun to call Tyler Perry and she gets a disconnected message. They throw their heads back in laughter, it doesn’t Matter that Tyler Perry changed his number and gave Nene the shake because Nene is a big star now and she is snapping necks and cashing checks.
At the Bailey Agency, School for Streetwalkers, Cynthia has an open call for Jet Magazine, Coochie Crack Beauty of the Week. She invited Kenya to be a judge and something tells me this will not end well. They review the various models and find some potentials, but let’s just talk about the girl with the tattoo of a two headed pit bull for a moment, shall we? They ask her about the tattoo and she says she has multiple personalities all of which have vicious potential. Foreshadowing??? As if that wasn’t bad enough, it looks like she hasn’t shaved her armpits and she’s got a bad case of the Summer teeth. Kenya is being an asshole, there’s no other way to crack it. Cynthia’s patience is wearing thin, and the people from Jet look appalled. The next girl comes down the runway in a very skimpy bikini and Kenya is going on and on about her ass crack showing. Then she starts in on her coochie crack and says “clearly you didn’t have time to shave.” Kenya notes the model also didn’t have time to get her ass to Target and buy an appropriate swimsuit. Ironically, Kenya is lettin’ all her ugly bits hang out tonight.
Kenya can’t believe that she has to be subjected to these hot ass messes. At this point, Cynthia’s assistants start speaking up to Kenya, asking her to tone it down and not be so disrespectful and they get into a full blown meow down. Kenya yells “Bitch PLEASE… SECURITY… SECURITY!” and Kenya’s goons swoop in to cart the assistant out of his OWN PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT! Cynthia “If I only had a backbone” Bailey should have asked Kenya to leave, but she attempts to keep the peace and lay down some “rules”, which Kenya wipes her crack with. Without further ado, Kenya jumps up to give a speech to the finalists, basically stealing Cynthia’s thunder. In a too late attempt to maintain her authority, Cynthia gives a speech basically saying the same thing that Crazy Kenya did. Kenya spits some side comments “I just said that!” She tells us that she can see Cynthia is clearly intimidated by her and she doesn’t have an original thought in her own head. Cynthia is gearing up for a battle…bitch please it’s on.
It looks like it should be a drama filled season, and I’m sure Kenya will bring on da’ noise, bring on da’ funk. One new cast member, Porsche Stewart, was missing in the premiere, but she looks just as drama filled.