Brother, Can you Spare a Whine?

Part three also known as “thank God this madness is coming to an end”, starts out with Mama Manzo apologizing for some of the comments she made about the Goo-duh-cahy marriage, but Juice man doesn’t want to hear it.  He keeps making his side comments calling Mama Manzo a “know what all.”  Well, at least she knows something, like how to form a sentence.  More on that later…

It wouldn’t be part three of the excruciating New Jersey reunion without the beating of a bedazzled horse.  IN TOUCH WEEKLY MAGAZINE…AGAIN!  I hope that rag gets a check for 0.03 cents every time it’s mentioned on this show.  OHAC asks Juicy what he meant by the comment he made in Napa about the deal they had with the magazine and Juicy tries to answer in his cro-mag language, but can’t say anything.  Jacs pipes up “C’mon what did you rehearse, what did she tell you to say, try to remember your lines!”

We move on to Juicy’s legal woes and the fact that he attempted to obtain a duplicate license under his brother’s name.  Jacks butts in because she has to make it known that her husband advised against him doing that, to which Teresa shrieks “Oh my Gawwwd Heckel and Jyde!”  Juicy tells us his lawyer gave him a wonderful pep talk, “there’s a saying…you can indict a ham sandwich.”  So I guess this means Juicy’s future is about as secure as loose, fatty meat?

Teresa goes off the rails and starts bitching about how she asked her family not to speak about the legal problems on the show and they did anyway.  OHAC points out that he read about the legal woes in an “In Touch Weekly” magazine.  We still can’t quite decipher the difference between spilling your legal issues in print versus on television.  Teresa spouts off again “Am I speakin’ Chinese?”  Why yes, you stupid, stupid hag, you are because none of us can f*cking understand what your problem is.  Melissa points out how she would’ve preferred not to be called a stripper or a gold digger on television, but Teresa did so anyway, and now they are even.  Touché, girl with the gold, glittery eyelids.

Jacs decides to bring up an old wound about Juicy claiming that Chris and Jacs met in Vegas, where she was a stripper.  Juice adds fuel to the fire by saying that Chris was also engaged when he met Jacs.  While she is still yelling he says “Your husbands are mo mos and that’s all, who cares!”  Her reply is “You piece of lowlife shit, I hope you go to jail.”  Something tells me, that may happen!

The house husbands join the stage, Joe Gorga hasn’t seen Teresa or Juicy in a year, not since the Posche fashion show.  We take a trip down memory lane and reflect on the time the men spent together.  Joe reflects on his relationship with Juicy and said they used to get along when they were younger, they were like cousins.  Then Juicy flipped the switch to the juicer.  Joe said Juicy started hating him because he succeeded in life and Juicy did not.  Burn Juice man, burn in the easy bake oven of hell!  We revisit the argument about the un-returned tools and Juicy launches into some weird story about jumping jacks and a $3000 piece of equipment he loaned to Joe.  I am about as interested as Jacs, as she inspects her hair for split ends.

We Talk about Joe being naked all the time and then we end up discussing Richie’s healthy erection.  Kathy called it “my alarm clock, like clockwork every morning!”  I threw up in my mouth for you, America.

OHAC asks Joe if the issues with Teresa existed before the show and he states they did, but Teresa says they spoke all the time.  I guess they were “tick as teeeves!” in Teresa’s mind.  Joe disagrees and says he actually came on the show in an attempt to become closer with her.  Chris tries to moderate, but Tre and Melissa get into it again.  Juicy tries to blast Melissa and asks how she really met Joe Gorga.  It’s Joe vs. the Joecano…Gorga goes ballistic, veins pop out of his neck, and he just starts railing Juicy… “You’re a joke, I laugh at you, ya’ bum!”  Juicy spouts back “yeah, pay your bills!”  Pot.  Kettle.  Black.

Jacs can’t let her own stripper rumor scandal go.  Jeez Jacs, why do you have to hog the spotlight on stripper rumors?  She keeps attacking Juicy about it and the slimy worm pole keeps turning.  Chris tries to set the record straight and says he met Jacs at a trade show in Chicago, but Juicy changes his tune, now Chris was engaged and was seeing Jacqueline and got caught.  He starts his usual murmuring “I don’t know, maybe I heard wrong, who cares!”  Kathy pipes in, asking why he brought it up if he didn’t know and he tells her to “go scratch”.  There’s a lot of screaming going back-and-forth and then Teresa accuses Caroline (who has been very quiet) of saying Jacs was a stripper.  Joe becomes annoyed, he doesn’t understand what the problem is with being a stripper and Chris doesn’t understand why they’re talking about strippers like they’re serial killers.  Actually, I think Charles Manson is more civilized than this pack of rabid howler monkies.

OHAC segues into Joe’s sordid stripper past with the Chippendales.  Joe openly admits to being a stripper for a year while he was in college in order to make money.  He went to college? says he wore an elephant G string and Teresa pipes up and said she found it in his drawer.  Jacs snaps out of her benzo haze and wrangles insult of the night with “yeah she was probably smelling it!”  Yeah…after he loaned it to Richie!  In case you need a visual:

OHAC asks Juicy if he regrets not supporting Teresa and Joe’s effort to mend the relationship.  He replies, and this is verbatim, “look, what family wants family to fight?  But they continue to fight.  They’re doing what they’re doing, he’s got the little thing, whatever thing it is, and you know, whatever, and that’s it, whaddaya gonna do?”  Not only is he a disgusting slug, he is an inarticulate one too!

OHAC asks Joe how he felt about seeing Juicy call Theresa at the “C” word on the show.  Joe says normally he would take a baseball bat to his head, however he felt nothing.  Juicy chimes in again, but can’t mutter anything intelligible.  Somehow he turns it around on Richie and accuses him of calling Teresa names and says the fact that Joe did not stick up for Teresa makes him a loser.  I see what he is doing…two, two, two insults in one!  At least he’s an efficient trailer turd!  Juicy makes some weird joke about Richie saying “better call security, somebody stole his shoulders.”  …the f*ck, Juicy?  Juicy and Richie start to go at it and the whole line of insult hurling is just off-the-wall.  Juicy then attacks him about not owning his own business, “You worked for EGG-ZON!”  Oy…a collective OY!

Chris has a moment to discuss his relationship with sister Dina.  He doesn’t really want to throw Teresa under the bus, but basically says he knows what Jacs experienced with Teresa and Teresa probably has something to do with his falling out with Dina.  Sidebar:  Dina has publicly maintained that their family feud has NOTHING to do with Teresa.  I think she may have cut them off until they are off the show, due to the way Dina left, being threatened by Danielle and all…ah…ancient history!  But until they are out of the public eye, no Grandma Wrinkles for YOU!  Joe tries to get Teresa to own up to what she has said and done, but she will not.  Then Joe looks straight at her, very soberly, and says “Teresa, you called my wife a stripper, your own father told me you did.”

DUN DUN DUN…

He says she “could have cut this out a long time ago” and he brings up the salon and her conduct at the fashion show, chasing Melissa into the bathroom and acting like she was all panic stricken.  Well Joe, in all fairness, her heart was beating 500!  She should have technically been dead…if only…

Joe tells Teresa he will forgive her right now, he tries to convince her that they could be a family again if she will just drop it and leave it alone.  Teresa plays the “you’re breaking mommy and daddy’s heart” card and Joe about loses his shit, he’s about ready to break down and cry, reminiscent of the ill-fated christening.  He says Teresa took mom and dad away from him and his children.  It gets ugly, Teresa turns to Juicy for support, screaming “tell him, tell him I didn’t do that”.  But no support exists in the disgusting tub o’ shit she calls hubby.  She keeps screaming and then both Joes blow… “F*ck you…no f*ck YOU!  You shut the f*ck up…no YOU shut the f*ck up!”  Teresa says that she never talks about Joe to her parents and Jacs screams “YES YOU DO!” and Teresa has her Mothra moment.  She gets up and lunges toward her, luckily OHAC breaks it up before Teresa goes into a full blind rage.  There is more screaming and Jacs pulls a Whitney Houston and yells “KISS MY ASS!”  Teresa says “kiss my titties”, well because that is just such an appropriate, well thought out, intelligent retort!

Now let’s get down to crux of why we all sat through the last 45 excruciating minutes…Strippergate (a.k.a. – at least there is no pachyderm undergarment involved here).

Kim D. is brought out to clear this up once and for all.  Caroline says “oh dear God” and Melissa says “I smell shit!”  Kim looks pretty Botoxed up, her mouth is a hot mess, and she has two glassy, slightly lazy eyes.  I guess she is a “mastermind on crack” of sorts…

Before Kim can answer questions, Joe apologizes to her for how he treated her, which she appreciates.  Plus, it gets her to fold like the blubber on Juicy’s gut…she admits she had a beef with Melissa, something about Melissa promoting another shop that has the same name as her shop.  How is “Forever 21” similar to “Posche”?  When the gang tries to conclude it was a set-up, Kim doesn’t quite see it that way, she calls it “convenient”.

Well, isn’t that conveeeeeeeenient?”

Hey Kim, this is convenient too, it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea:

This crazy crack-house rat has been bumpin’ more rails than Stevie Wonder driving down the freeway.

Kim admits that Teresa knew something was going to go down and Melissa was the target, but she covers Teresa just enough by saying Teresa didn’t know exactly what it was about.  Kim also says everyone knew except for Melissa and Kathy.  Teresa brings up the mystery texts Jacs was receiving that night and OHAC asks the million dollar question, who was texting Jacs?  She will not reveal her source and Teresa calls her a calculating witch.  Juicy can’t take anymore and he tells Teresa he wants to go have dinner, he gives her the “oh come on, I love you” and kisses her.  All for the camera, no doubt, but I have to agree with him on this point, I’ve had enough!

Teresa has another Mothra moment and she starts screaming that she never called Melissa a stripper.  Melissa is done with her, she says “have a relationship with your brother if you want, but I will never look at you again!”  Regardless of what is true here, I have a hard time believing that Teresa didn’t know what was going to go down at the fashion show.  Even if she didn’t, she knew something was up based on the incident at the salon that same day.  She could have given Melissa a heads up.  Oh, but wait, that would mean she actually has to give a f*ck about her sister in law.  Teresa digs her hole deeper an tops it off by calling Melissa “contrived” (big word, Tre!) and says she learned a lot in that strip club!  …as a bartender, of course!

Before the men leave, OHAC asks Joe if he will ever mend things with Teresa.  He isn’t so sure and Teresa gives an Oscar worthy performance about how she only wants the best for them.

OHAC has an arm Full of Teresa’s bronzing glitter from trying to hold her back.  Teresa says she lost her voice, OHAC says he lost his hearing.  I have lost my patience and I think Bravo should shit can the lot of them.  OHAC asks what happens next and Mama Manzo waxes philosophical… “the only way to heal is to admit the truth and admit your wrongs.  Where there is love there is hope and you don’t have this much pain without love.”  Ugh…there’s a book there somewhere, you heard it here first.

Until then, the Gorgas and Goo-duh-chays will remain torn apart, just like Juicy’s arsehole will be when he hits the slammer.  Soap on a rope, my good man, soap on a rope!  Until the ATL premieres, I finally get a break from this madness.  I have never, ever been so happy to hit “Delete” on my TiVo.  PEACE!

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