15 Minutes of Figurative Fame…44 Minutes of Real Shame

It’s round two with the bat shit crazy bitches from Jersey, hang on to your wigs and keys, it’s going to be a bumpy finger wavin’ ride.  We pick up where we left off, brass knuckle Rosie is going ape shit, “rip her head off…cut her effing tongue out”, etc.  Kathy and Teresa continued to go at it on stage and backstage, Lap Band Lauren talks Rosie off the ledge.  She reminds our fair Rosie to keep it together so she can make her father proud.

Melissa finally puts her fury on display and she lets Teresa have it, screaming at her about playing victim.  We are only into this hot ass mess about four minutes and the crazy train is completely off the rails.  OHAC finally gets some semblance of control back and he says he was trying to steer the discussion in a positive direction and he welcomes brass knuckle Rosie to the stage.

We reflect on Rosie’s struggles throughout the season, and we learn that Kathy didn’t have issue with Rosie’s sexual preference, however, she was concerned with an opportune-id-ist-dic female Rosie encountered along her bedazzled pathway to stardom.  As soon as Rosie tries to explain her differences with Kathy, Teresa butts in and it escalates to more yelling.  Overall, our beloved Rosie endured the pain and struggle, but she is in a good place and she’s “real single”.

We reflect on the RV trip to Napa and toast-gate, where Teresa intentionally snubbed Kathy.  Teresa denies it was intentional and Kathy apologizes for calling Teresa’s mother a liar.  Teresa moves back to her side of the couch as a symbol of accepting Kathy’s apology.  Because just saying “I accept your apology” is not dramatic enough, and hell, she needs to show off that hideous green pageant frock.

Speaking of apologies, Caroline explains that She won’t accept Teresa’s apology because it’s insincere. Teresa doesn’t understand, Carolyn explains “you called me a C!”  To which Teresa replies, “well what do you want, I was drinking wine, what’s wrong with that?”  Knowing Teresa, she is asking what’s wrong with drinking wine, not what’s wrong with calling Caroline a vile word that isn’t even in Juicy’s vocabulary!  More on that later…

We moved onto the subject of Caroline bullying Teresa.  Teresa regrets the way she treated Danielle now that she is feeling the heat of Mama Manzo’s wrath.  Caroline asks Teresa about 48 times to give her one example of how she bullied her, however Teresa’s only answer is “the whole season, the whole season!”  Hey Manzo, a punk bully is a bully is a bully!

The subject changes to Teresa being hurt about Melissa and Kathy joining the show without telling her.  Carolyn tries to turn the tables and ask “how do you think I felt when I saw you with my sister Dina?”  OHAC asks Caroline what the status is of her relationship with Dina and Caroline reveals they are still not speaking.

We turn to the much more important subject of Melissa’s singing career and the fact that Teresa still doesn’t believe that Melissa can actually sing and she lip-synchs all of her performances.  When put on the spot Melissa sings a verse from her God-awful “How Many Times”, but that’s still not good enough for asshole Teresa, she wants her to sing the whole song.  I beg of you Melissa, for the love of finger pointing, do not sing any further.  Teresa says she can sing too and she breaks out into her own version of “On Display”.  Carolyn can hardly contain her laughter and the look on Melissa’s face is priceless.  Then like a snot filled Kleenex, Jacs starts becoming soggy and lilted and she puts her head down and pretends to go to sleep.  Melissa takes a potshot at Teresa’s cooking skills claiming her mother cooks the food and Teresa just tweets the photos of it, taking all the credit.  In order to refute this, Teresa starts yelling for the crew to bring her various meats so she can demonstrate her cooking skills.

OHAC asks Melissa why she is selling her home and she admits she doesn’t want her kids going to school with Teresa’s daughters.  She can see how this legacy of evil is festering and she doesn’t want Antonia to be ganged up on by the Goo-duh-chay girls.  Hell, Milania is the one to watch…that kid is going to grow up to be a bail bondsman.

We flash back to the gold digger comments and Melissa goes off on Teresa again.  Melissa tries to address the old rumors about her speaking to Danielle and admits she was mad at Teresa and she took the bait.  Somehow, out of this, Teresa claims Melisa wrote “On Display” about her.  Teresa claims that she let go of the grudge she was holding against Melissa and Kathy for coming on the show.  Melissa points out the only reason she let it go was because she didn’t have Caroline and Jacs in her corner anymore.  Teresa’s response is to genuflect in front of the Home Goods coffee table and perform a praise Jesus move.

Juicy Joe joins the mix and as he is being prepped for the camera, he eradicates a few boogers and slams a red bull.  This pile o’ steaming hillbilly turds just oozes class.  OHAC eases into his line of questioning before the one two punch about the phone call heard ‘round the world.  But alas…the Goo-duh-chay family code of honor, “Deny, Deny, Deny” will not be broken!  He admits he shouldn’t have called her the “C” word, heck that word “isn’t even in my vocabulary.”  Ummm…except when it is, you intolerable douche nozzle.  He maintains that he was talking to a co-worker and he started speaking Spanish because the co-worker allegedly put the pizza guy on the phone who only spoke Spanish.  Oh well, that clears it up!  But wasn’t he speaking Italian???

He tells OHAC that the airing of the clip where he called Teresa names cost him a lot of money at the jewelry store in order to make it up to her.  Apparently, the jewelry store in Franklin Lakes, NJ takes Monopoly money?  OHAC asks Juicy how he feels about Teresa “bringing home his bacon”, which he denies she does.  Teresa says they both make their own money “my money is my money and his money is my money.”  Good to know the Teresa brain trust is hard at work managing the finances.  That will come in handy when that tub o’ goo she calls a husband is in the clink.

Jacs is asked to weigh in on the Goob-duh-choy marriage and she doesn’t want to “go there”, but with a little bit o’ needling from Teresa, Jacs finally blows.  She says the Goop-doo-f*cks call each other names all the time and they punch each other.  Teresa has caught Juicy cheating many times with the secretary and the babysitter, heck Tre even confided in our girl Jacs when she caught him with a woman on his desk.  I.  Just.  Threw.  Up.  In.  My.  Mouth.  On.  Behalf.  Of.  Everyone.  In.  America.

More screaming ensues, Teresa calls Melissa an “opportune-id-ist”.  Melissa labels Tre and Juicy “dumb and dumber”, Juicy asks “Why am I here?” and he tops it off with a chunky belch.  Again, oozing class, this guy is.

Next week Teresa turns into Mothra shrieking in her outdoor irrational skank voice.  Part three looks like a real barnburner!

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