Mean Girls

It’s reunion time!  The drama, the heartbreak, the tears, and oooh the ruthless name-calling.  Jacs showed up this year ready to put Teresa on blast, but she was not without her share of snot filled Kleenex.  OHAC (Our Host Andy Cohen), greets the ladies, Teresa, so proud of her three cookbooks, Melissa with her auto-tune songs all over the iTunes chart, Carolyn with her longer hair and a book coming soon, and Kathy…well Kathy and her rearranged face.  Let’s face it, part one of the reunion was one hot ass mess of epic proportion, let’s hit the low lights:

Jacs discusses why she did not attend the reunion last year and Mama Manzo talks over her the entire time.  I guess Jacs’ answers don’t meet with Mama Manzo’s standards, or she is just being an asshole.  More on that later…Carolyn explains she was terrified for our little Jac’s, her guttural sobs on the way home from the fashion show had her extremely worried and she was not in the reunion state of mind.

Teresa is still denying any involvement with the fashion show fiasco but Jacs insists not only was Teresa involved, but she tried to get Jacs to participate.  Teresa continues with her delusional mudslinging trying to blame Jacs for ruining her family.  I want some of what Teresa is smoking, she is just off the chain horrid.

OHAC asks Teresa if she has seen anyone since the Posche blow up and she said she had only seen Melissa at G to the ia’s birthday party.  Then she goes on to bash Melissa for RSVP-ing via Hollywood.com and therefore only showed up for publicity.  Melissa give her truth version which was that she attended a red carpet event the same day of the party and when asked by Hollywood.com if she had seen Teresa she expressed that she would be seeing her at the birthday party later that day.  Jacs brings up a little nugget about Teresa assaulting Melissa in the parking lot at the birthday party when Melissa was leaving, but of course, Teresa denies that too.

Jacs attempts to answer some questions regarding the bankruptcy with Chris’ apparel line and she points out the contrast between her bankruptcy and Teresa’s.  Teresa immediately interrupts her and Mama Manzo quips back “Please let her talk if you’re not to let anyone talk, then we may as well all go home…please let me go home. I’m hungry.”  Amen sister, me too!

At this point, we’re 17 minutes in to this train wreck and if we were playing a drinking game where we took a guzzlette of our cocktail every time the phrase “You’re LYING” was uttered, we would all be completely gacked right now.  Melissa and Teresa start to go at it and Jacs pretends to be drunk asleep again.

The hideous display takes a serious turn and we spend a bit of time talking about Jacs’ son Nicholas and his struggles with autism.  In a very touching moment, we see footage of Nicholas saying “I love you”.  Jacs is sobbing hysterically because Nicholas has regressed and has stopped speaking.  Carolyn sobs as well and assures her that he will say “I love you” again.  Now this is a real problem people, not the stupid meatball problems that Theresa keeps yammering on about.

Sidebar:  I can’t take Kathy’s face, I can deal with the nose job, but the lips are botched.  She must have gone to the same plastic surgeon that Jacs used.

The discussion continues about Nicholas and Teresa blurts out something bizarro about how Nicholas was Audriana’s boyfriend and they broke up.  Mama Manzo tells her to shut up and stop making it about her or she’ll go berserk, “You and your Christmas pageant dress just shut the f*ck up.”

We reflect on the footage where Jacs and Teresa fake make up and Jacs tells us that later that night she heard Teresa through the window of her RV saying “I hate Jacqueline I can’t even look at her effin’ face!”  Teresa asks who she was saying this to and without hesitation, Melissa says “You said it to ME!”  It must be so glorious to go through life saying so many rotten things that you can’t even remember them or have any remorse.  Ahh denial…the new heroin.

Our Host Analyst Andy wants to probe deeper into the root of the horrible Jacs/Tre rift.  Jacs finally loses it and starts screaming at Teresa about how she wanted Jacs to do all her dirty work call Melissa out about being a stripper and call Kathy out for not having a designer handbag until she was 40 and for living in a shitty house.  Wow, those are worthwhile goals.

OHAC reads a viewer question for Mama Manzo, which calls her a “bitter ginger with a twist of lemon face.”  Mama Manzo owns up and takes a little heat for her general rotten demeanor this season and cops to being a little bit bitchy.  OHAC brings out Caroline 2.0 in the form of a slimmed down Lauren.  She discusses her lap band surgery and says she still has to work hard.  She is actually a bit ahead of her progress in the wardrobe department because her dress is a bit small and she is about to pull a Britney when she sits down.  They discuss Caroline’s constant negative talk toward Lauren this season, specifically calling her an “asshole”.  Caroline admits, “Lauren was acting like an asshole and if she did it again, I would say it again.”  Okay, at least she is consistent???

Teresa answers a question about Caroline’s kids and says “well now they have black water, but before they like, didn’t have jobs.”  Carolyn looks like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup and then just goes off the rails on Christmas pageant dress.  Teresa goes for the low blow of the night and says “look at your rolls, blubber, blubber, blubber.”  Then Teresa adds “Archeologist” to her repertoire and she spews some nonsense about Carolyn having a tummy tuck, which Carolyn reveals she did at 39.  Talk about slinging ancient history, Carolyn just turned 51.

Lauren brings up the fact that Teresa wrote in her blog that she feels sorry for Lauren because of the way Caroline talks to her, but Lauren says she feels sorry for Teresa’s kids.  Which let’s face it, these kids are headed for poles and clear heels in their future.  Lauren goes off about Teresa not even writing her own blog and then the gauntlet is thrown down, “SPELL NAPALM” she shouts.  Teresa looks horrified, she can’t spell it and she can’t define it.  She doesn’t write her own blog, which doesn’t surprise me because she can’t even speak her “unscripted” lines.

OHAC brings up the tabloid Teresa apology and the ladies are unrelenting.  Melissa yells at Teresa to “turn around, I’m tired of looking at your weave!”  Teresa denies having extensions on and Jacs says “yes you do, you wore them last year!”  This is Teresa’s moment to shine, she screams about how everyone is obsessed with her and they want to be her.  She then accuses Melissa of copying her, once again, by wearing the same glitter eye shadow she wore last year. Carolyn looks astounded and about to crack up “oh yes they only made one pot of that eye shadow and then they discontinued it!”  Melissa is mortified and can’t even believe what she is hearing, she says “I wore this glitter eye shadow list year, you Whackadoo!”

The conversation turns to Kathy and Richie and then we flash back to some of the many insults Richie has delivered about Teresa.  The convo turns to Richie versus Juicy Joe and who could pick up more chicks.  Teresa is gagging over the thought of Richie and his yellow teeth and thinks Juicy could pick up more women, hands down.  Jacs slips in a wee li’l dig “well that’s been proven.”  As if anyone would want anything to do with either of those hillbilly butt nuggets.

Kathy and Teresa start going at it, there’s a lot of yelling, and then Teresa throws something out about Kathy and her in-laws, almost a divorce, Teresa heard that from her mother, and then Kathy calls Teresa’s mother a f*cking liar.  Teresa moves over to the other couch next to Caroline and Mama Manzo takes a moment to try and prove a point to Teresa about how comments can hurt people and that the 15 minutes of fame is going to be gone before she knows it.  Teresa can’t stop herself and she keeps slinging mud at Kathy, finally delivering the lowest of the low “my father was there for you more than your own father!”  Kathy goes ape shit over this comment about her late father and then we hear brass knuckle Rosie yelling backstage “I will rip her f*cking had off, I swear to Christ she better watch her f*cking tongue because I’ll cut it right the f*ck out.  I don’t care if I get locked up!”

Wow.  Just.  Wow.  The crazy train is careening out of control and that was only part one.  Kathy’s uncharacteristic outbursts and facial reconstruction reek of the hopes of a contract renewal, but OHAC should shit can all of these horrid assholes.  Next week looks like it’s going to get a little bit juicy (pun intended).  Juicy Joe on the hot seat about his indiscretions and it looks like Melissa finally blows and plays the victim card.

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