GTF (Gym…Tan…Find out Who is Texting Jacs)

We pick up right where we left off at the Hot Ass Mess Posche Fashion Show.  Angelo (a.k.a. Mr. Clean) is still talking to the ladies and Kathy gets an uneasy feeling.  Teresa sits there saying nothing and Melissa pretends like she can’t remember who he is.  Teresa’s heart is still beating 500 and Kathy asks if she had too much coffee.  The conversation dies down and the fashion show starts.  Jacs notices that everyone is having fun except Teresa and she senses something is “off”.  The ladies watch the skanks parade down the runway in the highly flammable acetate glitter gowns.  Melissa is not impressed and if she doesn’t like it, well then you know the shit is bleak my friend…the shit is bleak.

Kim D. screams into the mic… “we’re gonna dance our asses off and have f*ckin’ fun…F*CKIN’ FUN!”  Way to class it up Kimmy D.  Teresa and Melissa take a bathroom break and Teresa plays dumb and starts pummeling Melissa with questions about Mr. Clean.  Teresa forces Melissa to feel her heart beating 500, but Melissa can’t feel it.  Well you can’t feel what she doesn’t have!  Teresa comes clean about Mr. Clean and tells her Melissa she met him at the salon that day and relays what he said about her being a dancer at his club.  Melissa gives her a look like “guuuuurrrl please” and she explains that she was a bartender at a club and she clarifies that it was not a strip club, but a bikini bar where they made big tips and it would have been stupid not to work there.  She says Joe knew all about her past working at the club, but when they met, Melissa was teaching 2nd grade.

Meanwhile, Mr. Clean is bee-bopping around the party telling some unknown person that Melissa used to dance for him and says “Johnny calls me up and says something like Kim and Teresa wanna blow the whistle on her because she plays like the holier than thou.”  Jacs is receiving a text from a mutual friend of hers and Teresa’s stating that drama is gonna go down, stick around.

Back in the bathroom Melissa swears on her children that she never danced.  Teresa tells the camera (in her scary outfit) that she isn’t so sure, it seems kinda “cowinkadinka”.  Melissa is questioning why Teresa didn’t tell Mr. Clean to get lost and she feels set up.  Melissa calls Joe to see what he thinks about this chach-bag and Teresa flips out at the thought of her brother’s involvement.  Melissa says this is what you get for even entertaining this crock of shit, and Teresa quickly flees the scene.  Teresa looks guilty now as she wields her sequined machete through the crowd.  She must tell Mr. Clean to split before Joe shows up.  Sidebar:  Teresa running frantically through the crowd at the fashion show is reminiscent of last year when she left the baby UNATTENDED!

Of course Joe thinks the whole thing is crazy, Melissa won’t even dance for him, let alone in a club for greezy bald men.  Joe says he is on his way and Teresa is still searching for Mr. Clean.  Meanwhile, Jacs gets more texts indicating that Melissa is the target of whatever is going down.

Teresa finds Kim D. and she tells him Mr. Clean left and Teresa storms off.  She goes back to the booth and sits down rather ungracefully (she pulls a Britney)…ugh.  Teresa and Kathy start discussing and Lauren, Mama Manzo, and Jacs are smirking as they listen.  Kathy points out that it makes no sense that Mr. Clean started this shit and then just left.  If what he was saying was true, he would have no reason to flee.

Kim D. comes running up to the table and apologizes for the scene with Mr. Clean, which couldn’t have been more fake since she knew all about this.  She was salivating like Pavlov’s dog when she got the dirt at the salon.  This mess has Kim D. written in graffiti all over it!  Melissa tells Kim skank to “shut up and take a walk”.  Teresa fesses up that she and Kim D. saw him at the salon earlier, so Melissa is uber-pissed that Teresa was fully aware of this prior to the event.  Teresa’s brother in law, Juicy Pete, comes by and grabs Teresa from the table and they go to the bar and do shots.  The gals at the table show Melissa the texts Jacs received and she says “un-f*ckin’ believable!”

Melissa and Kathy walk outside to get some air and while Melissa gives her the story in a nutshell, Kathy gives her some Billy Idol lip.  Seriously, what was up with Kathy’s lip?  Jacs and Mama Manzo come outside and they spot Richie and Joe.  Richie is sporting a white polo shirt, collar popped, moobs protruding.  Joe is sporting his cat burglar knit cap…they are ready to f’n rumble.  Mama Manzo talks Joe down and Melissa tells Joe that Teresa set him up.  “Buckle up bitches!”  Joe goes inside and they find some guy who knows Mr. Clean and says he worked for him for a day and they try to call him???  This just keeps getting WTF-ier.  Melissa tells Teresa she heard that it was a setup and Teresa starts flipping out again.

Kim D. comes outside and asks “what’s the problem” in her best Benson & Hedges voice.  She is on this shit like a drunken hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Joe has his “ah-ha” moment… “this is Kim D’s fashion show, she and Teresa are “butt buddies, the whole thing is f*cked!”  He tells Kim D. to “go sniff a line” and calls her “scum of the earth”.  Well, now that you mention it little Joe…Kim D. does look like she’s cut more lines than a crippled kid at Disney Land.  Kim D. retorts “you’re a midget, you are nothing!”  They continue to hurl insults and he says “go sniff another line, ya’ dirty ass f*ckin’ whore.”  Oy zio Joe, keep it classy!

In typical Teresa fashion, she is inside whoopin’ it up with her brother in law while all this shit is unfolding in front of the restaurant.  This proves Teresa knows she is going to get her ass handed to her, the shit is about to hit the fan so she will pretend like it’s not happening.  Jacs tells us that a mutual friend told her that Teresa knew this was gonna go down two weeks ago.  She finds it ironic that this is happening when Teresa and Melissa have never been closer.

Joe starts yelling that they are never coming to this fashion show again, Mama Manzo tells them to go home.  Lauren and Mama Manzo tell us that Teresa had told them some time ago that Melissa was a stripper.  Joe asks Jacs for her synopsis of the sitch and it boils down to a setup and Jacs will forward him the text messages.  I still want to know who is texting Jacs!

Teresa emerges in her purple disco dress and she confronts Jacs about telling Melissa that it was a set up and Teresa knew about it.  Of course, Teresa swears on her kids she didn’t know the guy, blah blah blah and she looks at Jacs and says “obviously someone is trying to set ME up and maybe you’re involved!”  Teresa tells the camera that Jacs is a C-U-Next-Tuesday.  Wooh…clearly the wheels have fallen off of this crazy train.  Jacs finally has her “ah ha” moment and she realizes Teresa is scum for trying to turn this around on her.  Welcome to the planet, Jacs!

Melissa tells Joe to shout at Teresa out the window of the car and he does, so now Teresa runs over there and they start screaming.  Joe is pissed that Teresa didn’t stick up for Melissa and he brings up the fact that he threw the female lawyer out of his Christmas Party for Teresa.  Oooh…two points Joe!  Then Joe yells “you take him by the hair and throw him out!”  Hmmm, Mr. Clean has no hair…minus two points Joe.  They finally drive away and Teresa is wandering around plagued by a mixture of exhaustion, drunkenness, and general hysteria.  Wow…just…wow.  What a waste of an outfit and a wig (shout out to my ATL Housewives!)

Sidebar:  Where is brass knuckle Rosie in all this runway melee?  She would have set these beyotches straight!

Teresa goes back into the party and Kim D. and her friends start gossiping immediately.  Teresa tells the camera that maybe Jacs started this because she feels guilty about her own stripper past.  Ahh…Teresa Giudice, you are the queen of delusion. 

Teresa finally walks away from the people at the party and says she doesn’t want to hear it.  We cut to 12 hours later at the Season 3 reunion when Jacs was not present and Caroline explained Jacs couldn’t look at Teresa.  So that ‘splains that.

The show ends with updates on each housewife:

Caroline has not spoken to Teresa since the Reunion was taped. (Well, like, duh!)

Lauren had the LAP-BAND surgery and Cafface is thriving.

Albie and Lindsey broke up. (Well, like, double duh!)

Kathy’s homemade cannoli kit has hit the shelves and Victoria decided to go to college locally.

Kathy is speaking to Teresa, but only via text.

Melissa’s single “How Many Times” hit #4 on iTunes.

The Gorga house is on the market for $3.8 million and they want to move far away from Teresa.

Teresa wrote another NY Times bestseller.  Juicy is waiting for trial date, if found guilty…greybar hotel.

Teresa has not spoken to Joe since the Posche blowout, except for a text he sent her saying “you’re dead to me”.

Teresa recently apologized in a magazine to everyone except Kathy.  WTF-ery at its finest!

Poor Jacs is alone in her mansion crying like a baby over losing a friend.  Oy vey Jacs, what have you really lost here?  Once she comes out of the fetal position, Jacs will be focusing on CJ and Nicholas and her relationship with A$$lee is thriving.  She has not seen Teresa since the blowout at the fashion show.

Season 4 reunion part 1 of 43 should be a real barnburner.  Teresa is going to get nailed to the wall.


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