Bindi, Baldy, Bitchery

Melissa is preparing to meet a VP of a record label and she enlists the help of her makeup artist, George Miguel, to help her decide which skanky heels to wear.  The choices are diamondy or leapordy.  He votes for the leopardy and they are ready to call it a day.  But not so fast!  Kim “D.” from Posche calls and she starts out with a half assed apology to Melissa for trash talking her hubby.  Then she invites Melissa to the Posche fashion show and Melissa says she will think about it.  Melissa doesn’t feel that Kim D. was sincere, but hopes that her motive for inviting her is because Melissa is the biggest celebrity Kim D. knows.  While that statement may be true, you are hardly JLO, Miss On Display.

At the Goo-duh-chay house, Teresa is giving the girls Italian lessons.  This will be Teresa’s next business venture, “Learn to Speak Italian, The Joo-Duh-Chay Way!”  Milania is resisting with all of her might and G to the ia can’t stand her mother’s gross ineptitude anymore.  She shoves her mother aside and takes over, teaching the girls how to say “Prostitution Whoo-ahhhh” en Italiano.  Milania’s interest is piqued and she stares intently while eating her pencil eraser.  Saved by the bell, Kim D. arrives to talk to about the Posche fashion show.  Teresa can’t wait because it’s always a ball-busting good time.  We take a sashay down memory lane and we are reminded of all the fun, Danielle Staub getting her extensions ripped from her head and Kathy saying one of the many forbidden words to Teresa, “unattended.”  Sidebar:  Can we talk about Kim D’s weave?  I don’t know who Kim thinks she is fooling, but the weave is as haggard and broke down as she is.  Kim D. tells Teresa that she will invite the whole gang, including Caroline.  Teresa reminds us how she feels about Mama Manzo…“In my eyes, you’re dead” she says in Italian.

Boyz II Manzos are hosting brunch for Mama and Papa Manzo and their little wayward sister Lauren.  Albie’s girlfriend Lindsey is cooking away and Christopher serves up his “Manzolini” cocktail and some breakfast sandwiches.  Mama Manzo starts reflecting on how far her children have come and Lauren announces that she has signed a lease at the old Chateau Salon for her new business, Cafface.  Mama Manzo gloats that she and Albert are free to retire.  Albert, who has remained silent, pipes up with “what if we retire and realize we can’t stand each other!”  Ouch, no wonder Mama Manzo is such a bull dog!

The Wakile’s walk into Bindi to pitch ideas for Kathy’s desserts.  She presents a poster with her mug on it and it says “Dolci della Dea” (Goddess Sweets).  I think it should have a picture of her riding down a unicorn on a rainbow, just to class it up a bit.  Kathy has to remind Richie to zip it because he is notorious for busting out his vulgarities during her business meetings.  Kathy talks about “happy endings” and Richie makes a typical “Richie” comment.  Kathy loses points on that one, she should have known better than to use that phrase.  She says, “let’s call it sweet finish”.  Richie makes a comment to the camera about Kathy being his favorite dessert and then there is some dubbed in comment “tastes like fish and she gets it done”.  Clearly, that was dubbed in out of context.  If not, well he deserves to be kicked in the ballz for that.  Kathy seals the Bindi deal, despite her inappropriate hubby, and she is excited that she will finally be able to afford the nose job she wants.

The Gorgas arrive at the Russian Tea Room to meet with Corte Ellis and Jason Kpana from the record label.  Kpana orders a Ciroc and something and Melissa says “Ciroc, oooh are you P Diddy?”  Not. At. All. Racist.  Kpana is impressed by the fact that the Gorga’s want to do the singing career thingy on their own, but Melissa is worried about not being as successful without the backing of a record label.  They converse until Melisa sees stars, she is ready for her “THS” on the E! Channel.  Whoa Meliss…you’re putting the cart before the horse.  How about you perform at a real venue and not some rickety side stage at stompfest.

Jacs and Caroline arrive in the rain at Posche and Jacs immediately gushes over Kim D’s weave.  Jacs tries on a polyester mini-dress and she comes out with her jeans around her ankles over her ankle boots.  Flattering look.  Kim D. launches into her hard sell on getting them to attend the fashion show.  Caroline reflects on the history of the fashion show not turning out well combined with coming off the heels of a huge blowout.  Recipe for disaster, bad ingredientses, nothing good can come from this.  Jacs seems to think things are fine between her and Teresa and the fashion show should go off without a hitch.  Caroline is indifferent at this point, she can be cordial…“pass the salt, nice dress”.

At Casa de Joo-Dee-Choy, Milania is busily applying temporary tattoos and Teresa tells her she looks like a freak.  Really, Tre…isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?  Jacs arrives with Nicholas so they can have a play date and Melissa arrives with her little ones and two boxes of sprinkle cookies.  Milania and Antonia walk hand in hand out to the water slide/bouncy house.  Too cute…the bouncy house thing is pretty cool, too bad it will likely be repo-ed soon.  Jacks isolates herself on the swing set with Nicholas in order to give Teresa and Melissa some alone time.  Teresa and Melissa sense the tension and think it’s weird.

Lauren and Caroline go to the rental space and we reflect back on Lauren’s journey.  Caroline is hoping the salon will give her a jump start and she wants the real Lauren Manzo to please stand up and realize how fantastic she is.  I think that is the first compliment Mama Manzo has dealt her daughter this season.

Meanwhile, Jacs is skyping with A$$lee and A$$lee talks about her high gas bill because she didn’t, like, turn the gas to the stove all the way off, and it like, ran for three days in her apartment.  Jacs comments how she could have died or blown up and tries not to make the cringey, oh migawd how could you be so stupid face.  At least for those three days, A$$lee smoked her blunts elsewhere, so the building didn’t blow up.  Jacs asks about her new job and A$$ talks about how she got to interview one of her favorite bands on her second day of work.  A$$ shows off her new skull tattoo on her wrist and then fesses up to another new tattoo, “Veni, Vidi, Vici” on the back of her neck.  Jacs is pissed, but keeps it at bay because the A$$ is doing well and they are improving their relationship.  Once the Skype connection cuts out, Jacs throws herself down on the couch agonizing over the additional tattoos.

It’s the day of the Posche fashion show and Melissa is already in hair and makeup and Kathy arrives to have her face sprayed on as well.  Kathy hopes there is no drama, she just wants a cocktail and a little conversation.  Good luck wit’ dat’!  Melissa is prepared to drop the Kim D. grudge and let it go.  Across town, Teresa and Kim D. go to Allure Salon to get themselves done up for the big night.  Angelo, the PR Manager for the salon, escorts the ladies upstairs to get their makeup done.  Then we see Teresa, once again in her Johnny Weir and Bjork had a baby outfit, saying that she usually has her makeup done at home and hopes that she doesn’t look weird.  No Tre, you would never look weird with that Herman Muenster hairline and shiny face.

Angelo brings Kim D. and Teresa some champagne and conveniently strikes up a conversation about how Melissa used to dance for him at a gentlemen’s club.  I have to give Teresa some miniscule props for putting the kibosh on the conversation and saying she didn’t want to talk about her family like that and she dressed Angelo down a bit and told him to shut his pie hole.  It feels weird saying something nice about Teresa.  Something tells me, however, that Teresa will turn this on Melissa at some point.  It wouldn’t be a Bravo show without some overblown scandal.  Kim D. keeps instigating the conversation and says she thought Melissa was a bartender at this gentlemen’s club, not an air dancing, thong wearing, prostitution whoo-ahh.  She says maybe Melissa went from “porn again to born again” and that’s why she’s all with the Jesus-n-stuff.  Angelo returns to apologize to Teresa, but Kim D. won’t let it go and starts asking pumping him for the deets.  How long ago was it, how long did she work there, what was her stripper name, did she nail the dismount?  Teresa flees the room to slug her champagne in the corner.  Angelo tells Kim D. that it was about 7 or 8 years ago and she only worked there about 8 months.  He said she was a pretty hot commodity and the customers were sad to see her go.  Shocking!  Melissa, who likes to dance around in shorts the size of an air mail stamp…a former stripper?  Teresa comes back and tells Kim D. to “shut the f*ck up” and she doesn’t want to hear it.

Everyone starts arriving to the show and it’s all pleasantries, for now.  Melissa does an impression of Kim D. for the camera, which is amusing.  It makes up for her hideous outfit from the Reynolds Wrap Collection of horrors.

Caroline and Jacs arrive and all the ladies are seated in a big, round, cozy booth.  The cocktails are free flowing, which is always a good way to avoid drama between beyotches that hate each other’s guts.  Teresa’s brother in law, Juicy Pete, comes up to the women saying hello, giving kisses, etc.  Kathy is pissed because she could have brought Richie if she knew that men were invited.  No Kathy, this is a GIRLS NIGHT, oh wait I am confusing cities, that’s New York where bringing a man to girls night is a cardinal sin.  Teresa asks Kathy if her face is shining, well at least she is aware of it.  Buy some blotting papers, Tre.  Oh wait, I forgot, you’re broke!

Creepy Angelo saunters up to the table and pours on the smarm.  “Melissa, do you remember me?”  A look of sheer terror comes over Melissa’s face and she nods her head and says “hello, how are you” through her clenched veneers.  After he finally leaves, she whispers to Kathy that she doesn’t remember where she knows him from.  Teresa comments that her heart “beating 500 again” and we get a “To Be Continued…”

That’s all for this penultimate episode, previews for the finale would lead us to believe that Teresa set this all up to expose Melissa’s sordid past and Joe is dragged into it and another feud erupts.  There’s speculation, texting from a mutual Teresa cohort, shady, disgusting behavior is going down in large quantities.

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