Gettin’ Schooled

School is back in session!   Melissa packs lunches while Joe serves the kids some pancakes before sitting down to their morning coffee with a side of scripted conversation about the end of the Napa trip.  Joe felt Caroline ruined the trip and Melissa has plans to call Jacs since she didn’t get to say goodbye before they hastily cut out of Napa.  Jacs had become a full-blown narcoleptic the minute the argument between Tre and Caroline erupted.


Across town, Teresa is waking her girls up for school and we learn that Milania is starting kindergarten and Teresa is worried about what will come out of her mouth.  Be afraid…very afraid…about as afraid as I am of that crazy feathered dress we see Teresa in, AGAIN!

Teresa calls to Juicy “you making the girls’ sangwiches?” and we see Juicy in a dead sleep underneath the leopard print sheets.  In the bathroom, Teresa is prepping the girls and it looks like Milania is going to wear a purple tutu on her first day.  Way to make an entrance, kid. 

There is an exchange between Milania and her older sister Gabriella.  Milania asks Gabriella if she will see her during the day and Gab explains that they will see each other at recess.  She quickly adds, “I cannot play with you, but I can see you.”  Solid plan, ice out your bat shit crazy little sister on the playground.  I can picture Milania behind the jungle gym, smoking a cigarette, “yeah, my older sister, she’s a real troll!”  Careful with that cigarette Milania, it will melt the tulle on your tutu faster than your mother can spin another “In Touch” story.

Juicy, the dumbshit, has stumbled out of bed looking like he just left Mickey Rourke’s hotel room, and he ends up sticking Milania’s name tag on the inside of her lunch box.  Gabrialla “schools” him and says Milania needs to wear the nametag on her shirt!  He mumbles “fo wha?” and Milania shouts “because no one knows my name!”  I am sure by the end of the day, everyone will know and fear Milania!  Meanwhile, at the Gorgas, Melissa is too busy videotaping Antonia’s walk down the three mile driveway and they miss the bus.

Rid of the children over age two, Juicy and Teresa sit down at the kiddie table in their kitchen to re-hash the Napa trip with their kiddie brains.  The episode wouldn’t be complete without these dueling scenes between the Goo-duh-chays and the Gorgites.  Juicy says he enjoyed the attack and Teresa said she is done with Caroline.  Juicy comments that he shouldn’t have said any of the nice things he said in his toast at Caroline’s birthday dinner, he should have told her to go dye her hair.  “Oh, you saw her roots?” Teresa asks.  I swear these two have such meaningful conversations.  They start Kathy bashing and Juicy says she looks like a stress doll, when you squeeze it the eyes pop out.  Teresa says that she trusts her husband in spite of the rumors going on.  We are treated to a flashback of shady Juicy behavior over the past few episodes.  Juicy is ready to leave the teeny tiny table of titillating talk, he has a “meeting” and needs to go.  She tells him if he cheats, she will kill him and he says he will bring a girl to the house, “just like old school”.

Rich and Kathy are having a parenting conversation over a glass of vino regarding Victoria going away to college.  Victoria comes out and Kathy asks what her plans for the day are, “going to the gym, the mawuhl”, oh and she set up a tour at the University of Maryland.  Much to Kathy’s chagrin, she is a bit worried about letting her baby go, but Richie is excited about having Kathy to himself.  Kathy gets teary, but tells Richie as soon as Victoria is gone, he will be a hot mess.  Which is true, we all saw how Richie treated Victoria’s prom date, which is child’s play compared to the open season it will be for Victoria when she is out of her parents clutches!

Jacs visits Melissa so they can break banana bread and re-hash the Teresa bash.  Meanwhile, Teresa stops by Kathy’s house to retrieve her shoes she left at the scene of the crime hot tub in Napa.  Kathy has prepared a salad and miniature quiches with a dollop of spite on top.  Sidebar:  It must be hot and humid in the Garden State, because Kathy’s hair is a frizzy mess and Teresa’s face is shining like a beacon.  Kathy brings up being left out of the toast and Teresa says that she left them out because then she would’ve had to mention Caroline’s kids.  Kathy calls bullshit, but quickly lets it go.

Meanwhile, Melissa and Jacs discuss the difference between being angry and hurt, then they move on to basic shapes and colors.  Bottom line:  Jacs is pissed she hasn’t heard from Teresa since the trip.

It must be the next day, because Melissa arrives at Casa de Caroline sporting her fedora and a bottle of wine in a leopard print gift bag.  However, Miss Caroline has no time to wallow in the Napa shrapnel.  She is working on her talking points for her upcoming Sirius radio show.  Melissa gets excited and wants Caroline to play her song, to which Caroline replies “I don’t know about that!”  She would rather star in a Tijuana donkey show.  Caroline shows Melissa her story board, which is largely inspired by the Teresa experience.  Her main topic is “when to end a friendship”, Melissa argues that she and Tre will get past this, but Caroline assures her she is El Manzo Dunzo.

The Wakile’s take a road trip to the University of Maryland to tour the school.  Richie asks if there is a bar on campus and Kathy tells the tour guides that he will basically be a complete ass for the duration of the tour.  Kathy turns into a freak and asks questions about where kids go grocery shopping and how they learn to do laundry, ummm…is there like, a class?  One of the tour guides says she did her own laundry in high school, “uht oh, someone is behind the eight ball already” says Richie.  The real kicker is the tour of the dorm room.  Victoria is shocked and she realizes how spoiled she is, especially when she realizes that TWO people share a room.  Kathy is dumbfounded by the cramped quarters, small closet space, and cinder block walls.  She compares it to prison and thinks maybe Victoria will back off of the whole “going away” thing.  Hmmm…a spacious room at home and folded laundry on your bed, albeit under Kathy’s clutches, or a life of underage binge drinking, no curfews, and hanging out with boys…unsupervised?  Joseph rather likes the dorm room because it’s bigger than his own room at home.  It’s obvious Victoria is the princess at the Wakile household.

Teresa is preparing to go to her “Fabellini” party and Melissa is babysitting the girls so that Teresa can get hammered and blow smoke up everyone’s asses in peace.  Melissa caravans the girls away for manis and pedis to a special children’s spa that is complete with a runway.  The girls are actually really cute and happy, having a nice time.  They talk about being cousins and Melissa lectures them about how important it is to be special cousins forever and they seal their special bond by purchasing friendship bracelets and posing for the camera, blowing kisses.

The Wakile’s take a tour around Washington D.C. and discuss the fact that the Capital Building is not the White House.  Richie waxes philosophical, reflecting on his first visit to D.C. in the 70’s.  Victoria admits she is a bit fearful of going away, but Kathy is starting to realize what a great opportunity it is.  Joseph does a fake sob and they all bond on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

The Manzo clan is in NYC to do the Sirius radio show and they take a moment to warm up and Lauren brings up the weight issues and how the Boyz II Manzos relentlessly teased her.  For someone so sensitive about that subject, Lauren brings it up quite a bit.  We get it, your brothers are ass brained chucklef*cks.  Serena, the program director, sees that there won’t be a lack of things to talk about.  Yes, it will be riveting.

Teresa is walking the red carpet at her Fabellini party and she has only invited close friends and family.  Which means none of the current housewives, but apparently one of her closest friends is a Liza Minnelli look-alike who is either having a seizure or poorly cutting a rug by the DJ table.  Jacs was not invited, “because she hurded me for no reason” says Teresa.  Of course, Jacs is also hurded by this, but what doesn’t hurded our fragile Jacs?  I wouldn’t want a friend that says “hurded” anyway!  The Fabellini party is hoppin’ and Juicy Joe screams “Give me a Fabellini before I FAB YO’ ASS, mother*cker!”  He is so charming, and socially presentable.

Once inside, Juicy Joe is slamming down some red wine, but Teresa tries to force feed him her latest libation cash cow.  He snubs the drink and says “I want my wine!”  Doesn’t Juicy realize that this sugary, bubbly, sparkly, alcoholy, pink substance that his wife is peddling is going to pay his cell phone bill?  With all that texting he does, he is surely over his data plan.  Outside, Caroline’s sister Dina walks up in some ridiculous shoes that cause her to trip and twist her ankle and the step-n-repeat backdrop, with a very disgusting drawing of Teresa’s face on it, falls to the ground.

Caroline is busy doing her radio show, but the phones are not ringing and she is dyin’ on the airwaves, dead Sirius!  Caroline takes a break to “wet her whistle”, the program director gives her some coaching on how to get the listeners calling.  Caroline tries to talk about the road trip on the radio show and she finally gets a phone call asking about the worst fight they had on the RV trip.  Caroline talks about knowing when to walk away from a friendship.  The next caller asks about Dina feud and Caroline explains that they are “not on the same page right now.”  However, Caroline tells us that she holds Teresa responsible for the wedge between her and Dina.  Because I am sure it was nothing YOU did, bulldog!  Actually, both Caroline and Dina have claimed that their rift has nothing to do with Teresa.

Back at the Fabulicious Fabellini party, Teresa tells Dina about the last night of the Napa trip and she flat out asks Dina if she thinks what she wrote about Caroline in the cookbook was offensive.  Dina soothes her, “no it was lighthearted and fun!”  Teresa says that Caroline doesn’t want to be her friend anymore and Dina says that is so 4th grade and the validate Teresa fest continues.  Although, Dina leaves Tre with this parting thought “If you ever write something bad about me in your book, I’ll f*ck you up!”  And I don’t think she is kidding.  Don’t let that face fool you, she’ll cut a bitch.

Next week, it’s the annual Posche Fashion Show!  Kim D. is back with a broke down road kill weave that even Honey Boo Boo wouldn’t be caught dead wearing.  Melissa’s alleged checkered past creeps up on her like an ill-fitting thong.  Looks like the pole plot thickens as we draw closer to the season finale.

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