Hot Tub Time Machine…From Hell

We pick up right where we left off at the Lancaster Estate dinner table and Teresa’s deliberate shun of a toast.  Holy awkward.  To break the tension, Joe does what he does best, suggest they get into the hot tub.  Always the first to get nekkid, he strips off his pants much to Melissa’s chagrin.  “Those are good pants”, she shrieks.  Aww…what will little Joe Joe wear on his first day of school now that his “good” pants are ruined?  Juicy Joe follows and the Boyz II Manzos ponder “when does this, uh…get gay?”  It just did Boyz…It just did.

Teresa and Melissa join their hubbies in the hot tub and they ask Kathy to get in.  She finds this to be the perfect segue into not wanting to ruin the “family love” and she brings up not being mentioned during Teresa’s toast.  Teresa is back in her freaky Bjork/Johnny Weir outfit telling us that it wasn’t intentional, but the toast was not about Richie and Kathy, they didn’t do anything worthy of a mention in Teresa’s toast.  Richie and Kathy finally acquiesce and splash down.  Richie comments “it’s like old times!”  Oh you have no idea Richie, how OLD it’s about to get.  Eventually, only Teresa and Kathy are left in the hot tub, which quickly turns into a way back machine of grudges.  Kathy starts hammering about being on the outs with Caroline, Teresa’s defense is “I’m only one person”.  Yes, Teresa is only one person and with the laundry list of people she needs to work on her relationships with, she is busier than a one legged man in an ass kickin’ contest.  Teresa can only tackle one thing at a time.  First her brother, then Jacs, then maybe YOU Kathy, Caroline…not so much.  Newsflash Tre, when your list of asses to kiss is that long…you’re usually the asshole.  Jus’ sayin’!

Anyway, the brainiacs are talking loudly enough for the non-hot tubbers to hear the whole exchange.  Caroline is furious and first wants to hold Teresa under the boiling hot tub water, but ultimately she wishes Kathy would just stop the conversation, she will not be able to infiltrate the “fabulicious haze”.

Now that the hot tub has caused things from the past to boil over, Teresa leaves to go change her robe and Kathy wanders back by the other ladies.  Kathy explains to Caroline why she started the conversation with Teresa, but Caroline doesn’t want Kathy to get caught in the middle of the madness.  Caroline is done with Teresa anyway, all she sees is an “ugly” human being and she wants no part of it.  Teresa returns mumbling “Hiiiiii” in her annoying voice and joins the rest of the women.  Jacs informs her that they all overheard the irrational skank voices coming from the hot tub of horrors.  Teresa starts in with Caroline somewhat passively, as if there is a possibility that she and Caroline can reconcile.  Caroline won’t even look at her, but the ol’ bulldog can’t help herself.  Caroline wants Teresa to tell her what she really thinks of her and Teresa gives her the “I love you”, and Caroline is about to pop off.  Caroline whips out her list of grievances, and they are as old and haggard as Mama Manzo herself.  They re-re-re-re-hash the magazine articles, Caroline questions why Teresa didn’t put out the truth when her family was being bashed, Teresa claims she did.  Caroline calls her a liar, the fingers start going and she wraps it up with “you are a disgrace!”

The men have a discussion as well, Juicy admits they only deal with “f*cking In Touch” magazine.  Chris questions the article about Teresa having a baby boy and Juicy says that it was another bullshit magazine.  Chris quickly Googles it and pulls up “In Touch” magazine reporting “A Baby Boy for Teresa”.  Juicy admits they make up “bullshit” and they get paid for it.  I guess that is sort of like Dancing for Dollars?  We’ll call it Bluffing for Benjamins.  Juicy thinks Chris would do the same if given the opportunity and Chris enlightens him that Jacs turned down a $50K offer to do a story about Teresa.  Juicy says “you should have, you f*ckin’ moron.”  If that is true, that Jacs declined such an offer, that really speaks volumes about her.  Much more than a certain someone with a seven cover deal collecting a paycheck for false and sensationalized stories.

Meanwhile, in the background, the women’s convo is heating up and the Shiraz is about to hit the fan.  Caroline keeps digging into her vault of grievances and wants Teresa to admit what she did by insulting her in the cookbook.  Teresa continues to deny that she did it intentionally.  Throughout all this bickering, Jacs is pretending to be asleep.  Caroline continues to call Teresa a liar, a fraud, and a DISGRACE!  Teresa is speechless at this moment as she sits there, stunned, with her broke down nutria hair weave.

Back at the men’s table, Chris confronts Juicy Joe about telling a bottling guy that he was “shady”.  Juicy gives him the “whatever” treatment and Chris is pissed.  He says that if anyone said Juicy was shady, he would tell them to eff off.  Juicy asks for a kiss to make up, they do cheek to cheek kisses.  Joe and Richie find it hilarious and they decide to kiss cheeks too.  It’s like once the men spit this inane bull shit out of their mouths, they see how stupid they are, and they’re over it.

The ladies argument continues to escalate, Teresa cries about how rough her year was and Caroline snipes back “always the victim”.  Caroline says she is happy the way things are, she can look at Teresa and tell her “you suck”.  Teresa is so quick on her feet, “you suck too!”  Teresa stands up to leave and when Caroline tells her she is running, she sits back down and tries to drag Juicy into the fight.  He starts screaming at Caroline and the Boyz II Manzos are ready to fight.  The men heat up for a moment, but it quickly defuses because Juicy is hammered and Papa Manzo says it wouldn’t really be fair, four Manzos to one Juicy slug.  They decide to let the girls hash it out.

Lauren jumps in wearing her “World Peace & Love” shirt and starts to rail Teresa about the 1/16th Italian comment.  At this point, Teresa becomes unhinged.  It’s hard to determine what exactly is going on, but I think Teresa has claimed she doesn’t read the stories the tabloids put out.  Caroline calls her “insane” because who agrees to be on a magazine cover and then doesn’t read the story.  So, if my powers of deductive reasoning are functioning on all cylinders, I think we are back to the fact that Teresa is a liar.  Then Teresa is screaming so much all I gather is that she can “prove” something to Caroline and she swears on her kids.  While Caroline cautions her not to swear on her children, Teresa grabs Kathy’s face, and Kathy tells her “whoa whoa whoa, don’t put your hands on me.”  Don’t mess with the porcelain rainbow princess, she’s from Patterson.  She will f*ck your shit up.

Teresa keeps touching Kathy on the chin, demonstrating and re-demonstrating how she touched her face, “it was like this”… “I just went like this”… “it was just this”.  She feels the need to very aggressively demonstrate how non-aggressive the face touch was.  OY VEY!  Would someone just pop this bitch already!?!?!?  Where is brass knuckle Rosie when you need her?

After more Teresa screaming, Kathy decides to Google some scathing things Teresa revealed to a magazine about how Melissa, Caroline, Kathy, and Richie are always confronting her about reckless spending and asking her how many times she went to the mall this week.  Kathy explains how Richie said that to Teresa’s face as a JOKE.  Teresa goes haywire “it’s not a joke to me!”  Kathy tries to illustrate a point, the mall comment was not a joke to Teresa just like Teresa’s comments in her cookbook were not a joke to Caroline.  “It’s the world according to Teresa”, says Kathy and Caroline comments “I didn’t get the manual.”

The men tell Juicy to go get Teresa out of there.  He walks over and gives her a line about leaving early so he can take care of business.  Yes, “business”, important business with the woman he’s been texting.  She squeals with delight at the thought of leaving and she is so excited to go home and see her girls and she leaves to go pack.  Melissa scolds Kathy for starting the conversation with Teresa because they were doing so well.  Then like the rowdy three year old who won’t just go to sleep, Teresa comes storming back out and screams at Caroline that she never said one bad thing about her in a magazine.  Caroline tells her “it’s over” and Juicy escorts her away from them again.  Caroline tells Kathy she doesn’t want a toxic person like Teresa in her life.  She pulls out one of her phrases from the archives “you hang around garbage, you start to stink!”  Melissa asks Caroline what Teresa said about her, but Caroline won’t go there.  She will, however, go there for the audience.  “I’ve heard gold digger, whore, family wrecker, copy-cat, she wants to be me, stripper.”  Caroline tells Melissa that if there is ever a problem with her being around, Melissa should tell her and Caroline will disappear.

Joe and Melissa decide to change their flights also and go with them as a show of solidarity, after all blood is thicker than cabernet.  Joe will back up his sister no matter what.  Kathy goes in Teresa’s room to tell her that it wasn’t her intention to start this and Teresa hasn’t quite let go of the Kathy-face-touch issue.  She demonstrates again by swiping at her chin.  Enough already!  Kathy keeps trying to talk with Teresa, but she is too preoccupied with re-demonstrating the chin grab and hastily packing to flee the scene.

Caroline saunters away for the evening looking like she just got off Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  As soon as she is off camera, she breaks down in her room.  All we hear are her sobs and “I can’t”.  Overall, a boring, draining episode, I am so tired of these arguments about ancient history and they are not even intelligible anymore.  What would Milania think?

Next week Dina Manzo makes an appearance, maybe we will finally find out what the hell is up with her and Caroline.


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