Finger Lickin’ Good

What’s going down in Russian River Valley, California, you ask?  Melissa is trying to take a picture of Teresa and Juicy, but sad Juice man won’t smile when commanded to “say cheese!”  So, Teresa tries any professional photographers go to phrase, “you wanna bang me in the ass?”  Which, actually just ends up annoying him more.  She then asks him if he wants to “stick your finger up my ass?”  OY vey, my veterinarian does that to my dog, and let’s just say, it doesn’t elicit a smile from anyone.

Teresa tells us that Juicy gets very cranky without his “hanky panky” once a day.  As evidenced by the relentless promos of Juicy taking a phone call in private, we shall draw our own conclusions about where is hanky is pankied.  It’s not on this RV trip and explains his crankiness.

Richie takes the wheel of one of the RV’s and Sassy Greg reminds him that it isn’t a magic carpet.  Meanwhile, in the Laurita/Manzo RV, Jacs dishes to Matriarch Mama Manzo about the crazy, half-assed make up sesh between her and Teresa the night before.  Cut to Teresa dishing her side of the story with Melissa.  Melissa ain’t buyin’ what Tre is selling.  She is trying to explain the root of the issue to Teresa and tells her that she gave up any right to her privacy when she spilled to the tabloids.  She also encourages Teresa to stop shit talking about everyone in the magazines.  Melissa is ready to move onward and upward and she is optimistic.  Teresa tells her about how she and Jacs cried and hugged it out and everything should be rainbows and lollipops.

Jacs is still a little wishy washy, but Lauren bottom lines it for her.  She has to stay superficial with Teresa because she is a shady bitch.  Caroline looks on with her haggard, bull dog, disapproving face.  Caroline announces she is done with Teresa and Jacs feels like she knows her boundaries with Teresa now.  Lauren doesn’t understand why she wants to hang around with someone who is screwing people over all the time.  Neither do we Lauren, but it makes for good ratings.

Teresa insists that Joe pull over so she and Juicy can have sex in a vineyard and wants to take a video.  Melissa comments that a video will really do a lot for her career since she is such a media hooo-ahh.  Teresa snaps “that’s not nice!”  I snap…well played Melissa, well played!

The gang arrives at Lancaster Estate and it looks like the plush surroundings Teresa had in mind when they first arrived at the campground/parking lot.  Chris is a bit worried about the impending drinking and spewing.  This is, after all, an important business trip for him.  Good thing he brought all of these ass-bags with him.  The gang gets ready to go to on a tour of the Levendi Winery, which is the wine that Chris and the Boyz II Manzos will be marketing.  Juicy and Teresa strap on the red Solo cups full o’ wine and Chris lectures everyone about being on their best behavior.  What he sadly fails realize, is that they are on their best behavior.  This is as good as it gets Manzo man, this situation is fraught with peril.  The rug rats get a tour of the winery and of course, Juicy Joe is a big fat menace.  He tries to one up the tour guide over the cost of barrels, he scoffs at the cabernet wine sample, and then tries to get Richie to leave with him so they can go eat.  Really.  Quite.  Embarrassing.

Teresa senses the irritation of the Manzos and she doesn’t understand why they are not having fun.  The two Joes start horsing around throwing grapes into each other’s mouths like two stooges off the street.  Chris is annoyed, but he really should have known better than to invite this motley crew on a business meeting.  Fraught.  With.  Peril.

Back in the bus, Papa Manzo gets so irritated with Juicy that they actually get into a shouting argument about the location of a KFC.  Papa Manzo even drops an f-bomb, which I f*cking love and raises his voice to the Juice man, “you’re a loser!”  Caroline hangs her head in agony, ready to jump from the careening shuttle bus.  I have to say the KFC argument was the highlight of this episode.  Finger.  Lickin’.  Good.

The next day, the crew is greeted by the owners of the Lancaster Estate to go on the tour of their winery.  The crew is shown into a cave and the wine maker is doling out samples.  The two idiot Joes start jumping around on a sculpture that they think looks like Joe’s “junk”.  I swear to God, these two are like 12 year olds.  Chris Manzo is about to blow, and I really don’t know why.  Isn’t that what you do on a winery tour, dry hump the sculptural artwork?  Lauren puts a blind fold on Caroline and everyone arrives to a lovely dinner set in the middle of the vineyard.  The Manzo Men planned the special dinner for her 50th birthday.  The Boyz II Manzos gives a nice toast, which makes Caroline a wee bit misty.  It’s Lauren’s turn and Juicy pipes up like an idiot and Melissa tells him to stop, “it’s the children’s day.”  Later, Christopher asks Juicy what he was going to say and he goes on about “go back a long time…clients of yer restaurant…whadda ya’ call it…continue the friendship…nevermind the bullcrap…that’s it.”  Teresa starts crying and Richie ribs her and says it must be the onions in the salad making her cry.  Or it could just be that deep down she knows she is a flaming shit heel.

In the middle of dinner, Juicy excuses himself to take a work phone call.  Oh Juicy, a work call, really?  You forget that you are unemployable, unable to drive, just generally a slug, and you are wearing a mic?  He grumbles to the person he is speaking to and then his tone changes, he’s being flirtatious, if that is possible for a Mucinex slug.  Teresa is annoyed and she gets up to walk over to him, he says “Hold on.  Here she comes.  My bitch wife.  She’s such a c*nt!”

Well, there you have it folks, in subtitles as plain as day.  As she stands there he calls her a “retard” and then he pretends to speak Italian on the phone as if he is talking to a worker.  It’s painfully obvious that she knows what’s up.  Even if this trash bag isn’t cheating on her, he is verbally abusive and now she has it documented for her divorce attorney.

 

The gang calls them over for a group picture, but Teresa and Juicy walk away.  She leads Juicy out to the vineyard to entice him into a little “ape in the grapes” “splendor in the vines”, which is really just pathetic given the situation.  He rebuffs her and calls her a “f*ckin’ whore” and the rest of the group can hear them and they become concerned.  Caroline doesn’t understand if they are fighting or what and Melissa can see Teresa lifting up her dress.  Teresa just oozes class and refinement, doesn’t she?  Richie narrates a play by play and then really sums it up with a final blow “this guy doesn’t want you in the bedroom, what makes you think he’s gonna do ya’ in gravel?”  Ouch.  Juicy hoists her up, “just get it over with.”  Annnnnnddd…there’s your sex tape!

The next day, Teresa is still trying to get fresh with Juicy and he swats her away like a mosquito.  Their status has gone from pathetic to just plain sad.  The gang prepares for their final dinner and Jacs is helping Teresa with her hair and they discuss how the men are getting along.  Jacs suggests that Chris and Juicy have a talk and clear the air over the tension between them.  Teresa continues to trash talk Kathy and brings up those GD recipes because everybody knows we can’t possibly let that go.

Meanwhile, Kathy is assisting Caroline with her hair, co-wink-ee-dink?  Kathy asks about the Teresa/Jacs status and Caroline thinks they have agreed to disagree.  Jacs enters and Kathy touches up her curls while digging deeper into what actually went on.  Jacs says she is fine with the “arrangement” she and Teresa have reached.  Caroline points out that she has seen Teresa moving toward Melissa, but not Kathy.  Which stirs the pot is a good segue into the final scene.

The group sits down for the last supper and Teresa wants to “say a toast”, where she thanks Chris and Jacs for inviting them, to Joe and Melissa for spending time, getting along, blah blah blah, and then a happy 50th Birthday to Caroline.  Caroline refuses to raise her glass to raise her glass to a mean toast and the Manzo clan scuttlebutts about the painfully evident toast diss.  Kathy is embarrassed and feels left out.  Richie says Teresa is a “F*ckin’ loser”, and speaking of losers, all Juicy has to say during dinner is that cheese makes him poop.

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